Yesterday I went to see Sophie. I was very excited!
They put Maya to bed pretty much straight away and were free to enjoy the evening.
We had some tea together with her and her husband, and we chatted about everything!
I think they love meeting people just as much as I do and we were ego to find out about each others lives.
Towards the end we agreed to go swimming together on Saturday - it should be really nice.
When I was about to go home, Harry called. It was 19:10, I told him that I was on my way. About 5 minutes later he called again, the man is obsessed!
And of course the drama was awaiting me at home! He was telling me off what a terrible person I am, that as soon as I am with friends, I forget all the important things in life (notably him and his dinner!). He went on and on and on complaining, how he can not understand my behaviour. The food was actually pre-made (it was fish rapped in foil), and he could have put it in the oven even before I came, but he did not. So he waited for me to cook and would not help, and kept saying how hungry he is and how terrible it is that he has to wait. In fact there was risotto from last night, and he could have easily heated it up, if he was as hungry as he was claiming to be.
But no, he needed to be angry and complain. We were at the table by 19:40, it was not much later than usual (he often does not even get home before 19:35), so all this drama was totally unnecessary.
When after dinner I came to sit with him on the sofa, and the TV was too loud, I asked to turn the volume down, but he hesitated, and then made some nasty comment.. I left the room, he is too full of shit.
I then wanted to work on my CV, but he came and wasted more of my time arguing and explaining how he had done nothing wrong the entire evening and how everything is my fault. I did get angry last night, I begin to feel the old hatred and “devils” are coming back. I was speaking to him in quite an unpleasant way.. why do I always have to be nice? I am no longer scared of him in any way, and if he continues like this, I will only be away from home more often in the evenings, I want to teach him that he’s been taking it for granted, but this is now over.
When he left, I was relieved. I finished my CV and even applied for 2 jobs on line. The main thing is to start. Getting better income will certainly help me being more decisive about leaving him. I got quite excited in the process…Though I am very scared of change, and not at all sure of my abilities. At the same time I know things have to change, the time has come!
I had very bad dreams, I was sick in my dream, with headache and fever.. and inside the dream I was in Moscow in Madina’s dormitory, and I was unable to get home to Yuri, and I also decided not to go to work the next day.. But when I woke up I got up and went to work, of course. Not feeling great again. The weather is so beautiful outside, but in the office it’s very cold for some reason, and having open shoes only makes it worse.

Oh, almost forgot, yesterday we had lunch with Carolyn, she told me about he unsuccessful love story with Andy, and about her interest in Guy. I kept telling her how obvious it is that he likes her! We had a lovely time, and food was very good too.

This weekend was quite eventful.
It started with a happy Friday night, when I tried a new recipe (meatballs) for the main dish, and also made the blackberry crumble with the fresh berries that I collected that day. I was so excited about the new food, it all “contaminated” Harry and Yuri and we had a very happy dinner together, with a little bit of wine too. Harry was very impressed with the food and was in a very good mood.
On Saturday I left home about 11am to meet Camey in Reading. She was late, cause she missed her train, and then had to queue up for a very long time to get her tickets to get out of the station. I did not mind, it was still so exciting to see her and Ben.
She hardly changed in 5 years. And it scares me to think that we’ve known each other for 13 years already. My memories of those days are still very clear and precise.. She was always so friendly to me while serving me at that tiny coffee shop in Parkview square. We could not have imagined at that time what the future was holding for us.
We had an amazing dim sum lunch at a Chinese restaurant that I spotted some time ago. It was like travelling back in time to Guangzhou days. I had way too much food, but it was so perfectly delicious, I could not have done otherwise. We chatted about lots of things. Camey has achieved a very strong position (economically speaking) from her marriage. She has a very comfortable lifestyle, she manages the family money and can use as much as she likes (including supporting her family back in China), and she can travel home as many times as she likes (free BA tickets). So from the material point of view, she is very successful. She also has a lovely son, and friends and family who meet her emotional needs. The price for all this is tolerating her husband’s incredibly bad temper. Luckily he is not home much due to all his placements abroad, so it is working out for her. At least she is honest with herself, she needs his money, so this is what she is getting.
And her hope for true love, all seems to be stuck with the man she likes so much. Making the choices it comes down to more real things (like economical well being, which she is not willing to give up for a possibly happier love life).. why do choices have to be so hard?
Anyways, we had a really good day together, and I got home around 17:00. Don’t remember much of the evening, just recall that I felt very full and did not have dinner.
And I was thinking about all those china days, things we used to do, and dreams we had back then.
On Sunday morning we went to the swimming pool all together. I wish we stayed longer, but Harry counted exactly 1 hour, and that was it for him – we had to go. I hate doing fun stuff with him, as he spoils the fun instead of enjoying himself. Yuri slept for a long time after that, he was so tired. Harry went to get some food for dinner – we were expecting Winston (our neighbour from downstairs) to come over with his girlfriend and daughter. I had a bit of time to relax and made a few calls. When Harry got back, he started going crazy about making the house perfect. I will never understand this, but whenever someone comes to our house Harry wants to show off and clean everything to the highest standard. He is so scared that there might be a slightest imperfection that other people may see.
Though I have done a lot of cleaning on Saturday and some on Sunday, he still thought I have not done enough, and was getting nasty. Don’t want to go into details, but I did not enjoy the preparation together with him at all, to the extend that I would rather not have guests coming to our place than experience his behaviours.
Anyways, the evening turned out absolutely great. It’s the very first time we had people round for dinner and the first time we used the big table. The food was excellent, the conversation stimulating and exciting. We kept laughing and joking, it was great. Winston’s daughter is very outgoing and confident, and very interested in everything, it was great pleasure to meet her. We finished a a reasonable time, and I went straight to bad. So I am not too tired today, luckily I only had 1 glass of wine.
We did not discuss the evening with Harry, he tidied up everything today, and I just need to put the dishes in the dishwasher. It’s great fun entertaining, I wish I could do this at least once a week.. if only Harry did not make it so complicated…
Anyways, I know it won’t happen, as most friends live too far away.
At least the weekend was good, and though overall Harry has not been too bad, some of his old traits are coming back, and the eternal question is returning into my head.

I have gained even more weight during and after my trip to Moscow.
It's getting totally out of hand - I have never been so heavy before (not including pregnancy and first 3 months after birth of course). I am really becoming a fat girl - just like all the girls in the office. Is this part of the integration into the British society - need to have a few extra kilos hanging around your belly and hips?
Now that I am preparing my Britishness test - that's the only explanation I can find!

I am behaving self-destructively, as I am consciously eating even when I am not hungry and realising it. It's like acting against myself in some kind of weird experiment where I want to see how far this can go, and now for some reason just unable to stop!

May be writing it down will help? I am eating all the sweet rubbish in the office that all the lucky people who do get to travel bring from their trips from abroad. I sometimes buy stupid yummy crisps, and at home I munch on everything - frosties and cheerio's with Yuri (as a game), and then any food that he does not finish. And then I cook dinner, and after having proper healthy food have some unnecessary yogurts or chocolates.
I have to get myself to stop - this is not good at all.

Yesterday our car was down for an MOT, so I had to take a taxi to work, and then walk back from work.
It was a mild late afternoon, and I walked fast enjoying the movement and the scenery around. I realised how much I missed my daily walks now since I had to start driving. I have forgotten about the pleasure of being along with the nature and with my thoughts, the energy that would always fill me up thanks to the exercise.
And then I saw blackberries growing on the bushes on the roadside. That's the season and they are in fool bloom!
They were looking at me, so full, ripe and juicy, and asking to be picked up.. I started having a few, and I almost forgot that I was in a hurry!!! They were delicious!!!
Alex was driving past, and she gave me a lift to the town centre. I told her about the berries, and we decided to go pick them today at lunch time. I am so excited!

The week after my return from Russia has been more close to normality than any other time period that I can recall in the recent past. We have been communicating and helping each other, and doing things together like an absolutely normal couple.
There have been some minor frictions, but nothing to make me upset, or to set any of us off. It has been absolutely human…
When I returned, Harry mentioned that it’s much better with me than without me, though I did not miss him one second during my holidays…But how long this normality is this going to last this time?
We celebrated Yuri’s birthday, and we were all happy. We got him a kite as a present, and went to the large field behind our house to fly it on Sunday. It was so exciting for everyone. Yuri ran around screaming out his happiness. Even the weather has been great too.
I’ve been living like in a dream this week, I am again a “prisoner” of the fantasy world of Ulitskaya’s new book… I seemed to have lived just for the moment I could take the book, nothing else mattered. Every night I waited impatiently for the moment I can run into the bedroom and start reading. I finally finished it last night, really late, so feeling extremely tired today. I am glad I bought so many good books, but on the other hand they will be taking me away from the real world with its problems and decisions that I need to make…
I’ve been having some very strange erotic dreams, innocent actually as the only “wrong” thing about them was my attraction to other man - people from the deep past, Zhivov (my school love), and Felusio (someone from the previous work, who tried to seduce me without any luck).. The dreams are extremely bright, and though I am not actually doing anything, I know that I am doing something forbidden, and I wake up with my heart pounding.. for many years Harry has been the only hero of any dreams of such kind, and the only reason I am questioning it now, is what are these dreams trying to tell me? Am I really letting him go?
I’ve had a few moments this week when I have been alone at home (Harry had to go out to fix the car, etc), so I had a perfect chance to call up all my friends. To my own surprise, I did not do it.. it’s like I’ve lost the ability to call my friends just like this.. After so many years of restrictions, now even when I have a chance, I do not feel like doing it.. I read my book instead, and watched TV… I can not explain it, may be it’s just a temporary thing?
On the other hand I have made a new acquaintance this week, and this was really exciting! My neighbours have introduced me to Sofie – another lady living on our street. She is half French – and speaks French of course, and her husband is Indian (Dinesh), and they have a 5.5 month old girl. I went into her house for a cup of tea, and I had this wonderful feeling that I am meeting someone who will become a good friend. I will meet with her again next week, and hopefully we’ll get to know each other with the time, and help each other with our children.
Anyways life is good at the moment, and when I get some sleep it will be even better!

Why do holidays always end so quickly? You wait and wait, and then before you know it, it’s all over?
Never mind, at least this time it was very happy and eventful. I am already beginning to forget everything that I did, so will try to put my notes down before all memories start fading away.
The flight there was quite smooth. Though just before the flight Yuri really tested my nerves, he was throwing the most unbelievable tantrums while we were queuing up to check-in.. it was embarrassing, but what could I do? We arrived 3 hours before the flight, and there was already so many people there! The security checks were severe, but I was prepared, and had no troubles at all… Once we have checked in and had some snacks in the coffee shop, Yuri has cheered up, and he was playing happily in the waiting hall before we boarded the plane. A women suggested to help me just before we boarded the plane, and we ended up swapping places in order to sit together, and chatted away almost all night, while Yuri slept peacefully in my arms.
Her name was Lyudmila, and she told me her whole life story.. and it was very interesting – better than reading a book! Single mother, she had her baby in Portugal and met her future English husband there… she was very open, and gave me lots of details about her private life.. very sad in many ways, but she is a very positive person, striving to move forward and achieve something in her life. I left my telephone number to her in case she needs any help in the UK…
We arrived on time and came out so quickly that we had to wait for Favad, who came on time at 6am. He took us home, I was surprised by the amount of traffic that early in the morning, Moscow is another city that does not sleep. It looked more cheerful than in April though, not as grey and gloomy.
Everyone at home was awake and waiting for us. We had some tea and cakes and it was all a very happy reunion! But I desperately needed sleep, so I went to bed, and so did Yuri. Saturday was mainly about getting some rest… and I managed to get some sleep and feel “human” again. We went out for a walk too, the weather was just perfect and everything around looked bright and happy.
Tanya’s baby was so lovely! But Yuri was terribly jealous whenever I took her in my arms… he is so possessive, my little boy. He got on very well with my mom’s friend Ira, it was nice to see them interacting… but Yuri would not leave my side, though he recognised the place straight away. He kept holding me, and he would always demand my attention.

Sunday was a big family reunion day. We placed the food order in Utkonos on Saturday night and went to pick it up on Sunday morning. I took the responsibility for cooking off my mother this time. Still she decided to do the meat (from Madina), and we did all the rest with Tanya. So we went to pick it up with my father, my sister and Yuri… and then everything was ready, but my father confused everything after talking with Madina over the phone and the first guest arrived at 5pm instead of 2pm. So we spent long 3 hours waiting at home. Our neighbour Lena came with her little boy, and we chatted and played with the kids… finally my cousin arrived, and after that Madina and Polina came too and we all sat down around the table. Lena wanted to be the centre of attention, and she got frustrated with Madina and my mother’s constant interruptions. I was hoping to hear Polina talking (my sister told me so much about her and about her studies of numerology), but she hardly stood a chance…
Still we had a few good laughs, and I found Lena’s stories about her yoga and newly discovered spirituality very interesting. Many things were corresponding to what I’ve been recently reading and thinking, so I could very much relate to it… The main focus of celebration was the new addition to the family… I was not much in the picture, and was a little surprised that Lena has not asked me one single question during the whole evening. I sat there and listened to everyone, I do not mind this role, especially when I am around people who need to take the lead in talking. My mother got upset about girls ridiculing her about her beliefs that cheap soviet wine is just as good as the French wines, my mom is really funny sometimes when she is very stubborn in her convictions.

Overall is was a good evening, though I felt more like an observer rather than a participant.
The next day, we took it easy and went for a walk again. While Yuri was asleep I took off and went to a big book shop. I chose the wrong time… It was the beginning of the peak hour – it was terrifying. I was stuck in the big hot sweaty crowd of people waiting to get on an escalator, those ten minutes seemed like an eternity… on the way back it was even worth. I was exhausted from travelling on the tube… and I did not envy those people who had to do it after the working day. I felt blessed that I found a way to escape from this city and life style.
I got lots of books for myself Читать далее...

I am still not feeling good.. though I did not go to work yesterday and spent all day in bed, and I slept fine at night, I am still very weak, and my head feels very heavy … and I can not think clearly and have no energy whatsoever.. I really do not like it…
I need to get better before my trip home, but it does not seem to be happening…
Harry is not helping it either.
This morning I got very angry, I think I scared him. Yuri left his puzzles on the floor of the living room, as we were walking off the door, Harry blocked my way and demanded I tidy them up. He is off today, and he could have easily done it himself, but in his eyes, this is my responsibility (just because he decided so), so he said I had to do it.
He would not let me leave, so I got very angry (I hate to be late in the morning because there is no parking spots left if I arrive late).. I started kicking the puzzle pieces with my feet, and I hurt Harry, as one piece hit his hand! I think he got scared… He thinks I am crazy… I don’t care…
I am really not feeling well, but I can’t go home, cause he took this week off and he is there.. I hate him again… I think I really need to act soon.
When I am so weak physically, I can not control my emotions so well, I feel so run down and sad, and ready to cry any moment…

Harry is working on the garden, he has ordered lots of things, the fence, a shed, a bench, gravel.. and I do not know what. It will probably look nice when he does it .. but I do not really care, I have no interest in the garden or the house, if anything I am trying to make myself to accept the idea that I’d have to go soon.
Can’t remember anymore what happened over the weekend, I know there have been some bad incidents, but it got erased already… Just remember how he turned on the light on Saturday and would not let me sleep, when I told him that I was unwell and very tired after I came back from Stef’s place… he was really abusive, he pinched me, and he kept touching me, and not letting me sleep.
He does not tell me anything. I found out that he actually called Diane himself about the fence. When I got home yesterday after picking Yuri up, I went to see her. It was lucky that Harry went to the shops, so I invited Diane for a cup of tea yesterday instead of today. We had a nice chat with her. So it all worked out at the end.
He never told me about this call, as he never told me that he took a week off. It does not bother me, but it’s a further proof a silent war.. I am also not telling him much… but I am not expecting him to tell me things, whereas he is still expecting me to tell him everything…
On the weekend I still did things as planned, but I felt very tired and drained…
Sunday was very nice at Nicola’s place, there I even felt a little better after being out on the fresh air. Shelly was a bit strange, there was something that I can’t explain, that bothered me. She said that she is well, “better than ever”… but I had the feeling that she is hiding something and avoiding me.. never mind, she said she gave my books to that other girl, who is having a very hard time… it’s fine with me, but I will ask to have them back when I return from holidays.
Deborah has been so kind again, she drove me there and back, and they invited me to go see the steam train with them on the 30th of September…
Spending the whole evening with Stef and Steve on Saturday was really nice too… wish I have not been that tired, but still it was lovely. Much better without Harry, we can talk openly about anything, and there is no pressure to leave at a certain time or do things certain way. Louis and Yuri played together at the end, I love watching them.. Hugo was so calm and peaceful.. and Yuri learned to say his name.

My suitcase is ready, and there is only 3.5 working days left now.. How can I make myself feel well and full of energy again?

Harry has been driving me up the wall this week… he constantly criticizes me and points out my mistakes… the minute he opens his mouth I know something new is coming.. There is nothing that I do right. I can’t put my bag on the sofa, leave my cup on the table, not put the iron in the basket, leave Yuri’s toys in the living room, keep my clothes in the bathroom or leave any mess in the kitchen.. in addition to this he follows me around the house, watches my every move and makes comments about everything that I do (especially when I do not do it right, of course). I am being calmer about this than before… but I do not like it!!! It’s like being under arrest or constantly being watched by police…
I naturally try to avoid him, and this of course only makes it worse, as then he can’t stop complaining about me not wanting to spend time with him. Why the hell would I want to spend time with him as all that comes from him is so negative?
But obviously he does not ask himself this question.
I do not like picking on small mistakes, but since he makes all this rules, and expects me to follow, and yet sometimes he does not follow them himself, sometimes I become like him, so I point it out to him.. and it becomes total madness as we keep accusing each other of all sorts of stupid little things. I truly hate it… Some days I manage not to respond to his comments, but others it just totally gets out of control.
After my trip to Russia I will make my next attempt to leave him.. hopefully successful this time. The fact that Camey is here now has given me a new hope. I’ll meet her as soon as I get back!
Work has been better this week, I enjoyed it much more as it was busier, and I had to deal with different things for one of the Alex’s clients, who kept me very occupied all week, and who is quite fun to work with too. Going up to London to have lunch with Siv was great too. Almost felt like a holiday! And it was nice meeting her – and a good surprise to find things that we have in common (like loving to walk).. It was totally informal, so we just learned some personal things about each other.. I liked it!

I am not feeling well today, feels like I am getting a cold… that is not a good time at all to get ill, I have to get it under control!

Only one week is left until my holidays, I am so excited…

Last night the evening started pretty well. I had nice food ready, and we sat down to have dinner. Yuri was not really hungry, so he wanted to play instead of having dinner, so he started crying.. At some point I took him into my arms, and tried calming him down. Before I knew it, Harry got impatient, and decided to take Yuri from me, so he would calm him down instead of me. He has done this in the past, I did not like it, but let him do it before. This time I really did not want it, and I asked him to leave Yuri with me. But as usual he did not listen, and using force he grabbed him and took away from me. Yuri started screaming louder in protest.. and the look on his face was saying “mommy, please do something – protect me!!!”. So I followed Harry, and I asked him to give Yuri back to me… so as this was happening Harry was getting more and more angry, and then he went into the bedroom and leaned on the door with all his weight, so I was unable to enter the room.
I can’t say that I was distressed or anything, but I just felt like I have to do something to stop this kind of behaviours. I was dressed in dirty “home” trousers and a T-shirt, and my bag had the money and keys in it, so I just quickly grabbed it and left the house… I had nowhere to go, so I went to the train station first, and then wondered around Twyford a bit. As I was heading back home, I saw a familiar red car – that was our neighbour Diane. She stopped the car and I went to her to say hello. She was surprised to see me outside by myself and asked what I was doing…I told her the truth and she offered me to go have a drink in a pub. So we went to the pub near the train station and had a really good chat. I told her in brief about our problems, and she told me about hers (lack of commitments, and her boyfriend’s unwilling to have a baby. I always wondered if they hear us arguing, but she said that they never did and in fact never knew what is going on. She was very understanding and supportive and she told me I come to their place any time…
I really enjoyed our conversation, and we decided to meet again on Tuesday at my place for a cup of tea.
I got home around 20:30, I must have been out for about 1 hour. I switched my phone off, as I knew that Harry will bombard me with calls and messages (which he did of course).
When I got back, the attack followed as expected. He started asking where I was and then telling me off for not understanding his good intentions and then insisting how stupid my behaviour was. He said I was behaving like a child, throwing tantrums when things do not go my way…
He was standing there in the middle of the living room, speaking angrily with a distorted face and shaking his hands (trying to intimidate me). Insults were pouring as if it was from a shower. I did not really listen (as I have learned to switch off when he lectures me), but I vaguely remember him saying that I make Yuri unhappy and miserable and that’s why he always cries with me, and all he needs from me is my milk; he then certainly insisted I was stupid and “big headed”, and that I wanted to control everything in the house including “where you shit” (that was funny, as in fact it’s him who controls everything in reality)..
Yuri was so happy to see me, I was holding him while Harry was jumping in front of me like a Monkey, and we were smiling at each other, and I could not be bothered to even get upset with Harry’s words.

In Harry’s eyes when he took Yuri from me, Yuri was distressed, and I was unable to calm him down, so he took him because he wanted to HELP me! The fact that I asked him NOT to do it was irrelevant to him. “It’s not about you” – he kept saying –“it’s about Yuri!”.. so when I asked him whether or not he realises that he behaved in an unacceptable way, and have not respected my wish to keep Yuri, he just exploded more and more, repeating his story and unwilling to admit that he has done anything wrong. He kept saying “why to you have the right to refuse giving Yuri to me – he is my child!”….

I went to give Yuri a bath and put him to bed. I wanted to re-pack the suitcase, but of course Harry rushed in and continued with his accusations, interrogations and insults.
When he asked me what I wanted to achieve by leaving the house, I have repeated calmly and firmly “I wanted to make a point that your behaviour in not acceptable, and you should not do this again”.. but he never understood my point.
He kept screaming and complaining…I wanted to go to the bathroom, but he was blocking my way, as he wanted to talk. He insisted that I apologise, but I said “no”.
At the end he would not let me take a shower, so I turned off the light, closed the door and went to bed. Then Harry got in and told me that I can go to have my shower, he left the light on in the bathroom, and left the door to my room open, so the bring light could come through.
I had to get up to close the door. I slept very well, and I am surprised how calm I was during Читать далее...

While reading "the guide to rational living" and exploring different irrational beliefs, I came to realise that I already managed to get rid of most of them (like expectations of others, or dire need for approval), and that at the end of the day I am quite sane and am able "to think straight"… Still, of course there is a lot of room for self-improvement, and this is something that should never stop.

I was thinking deeply about the concept of self-worth. I used to have a serious inferiority complex… Guess my mother did not help by indoctrinating that we are so poor and miserable and should be ashamed of it (meaning that compared to the people from abroad we are really worthless).. Plus I always thought of myself as of a very ugly, and uninterested girl than no man would ever want to look at. And moreover I had no idea what to talk to people about, as I knew so little and felt very inferior to the others intellectually. On top of this I did not have a sense of humour, and felt like I was very boring...
Yet despite all this and despite the fact that I had absolutely nothing material (or tangible) to offer, 13 years ago when I moved to Guangzhou I made friends that have become friends for life! At my first job in Parkview I was earning 100 USD a month, living in a tiny staff dormitory room without windows, had a terrible job where I was not allowed to do much, and where my boss hated me and made my life miserable all the time. I had no life or love experience, I did not know much about the world or people.. All I had was genuine interest in people and passion for living an interesting life, new adventures and experiences… And that was enough for people to be interested in me! And I've met some wonderful people, and very successful people too, and they found me worth their attention and amazingly we are still friends!
Some of most important friends I made during those few months in Parkview square: Viviana, Werner, Camey, Helen! And we still have not lost touch...
And now, after I have got my degree in France, have many years of professional experience and standing strongly on my feet, have a family, house and a child - they like me just the same as they did 13 years ago! This thought did strike me!

OK, 15 years ago in Shandong university I also made some great friends. Fair enough, in the university we were all poor, and therefore somewhat equal, and we bonded strongly with Larissa, Lena Bedriz, Simone, Yukie..
And I still keep in touch with my childhood friends like Oxana, and university friends like Madina…

Though I did not feel that I had a lot of worth back then, I can now see so clearly that it was not true! I am so glad that I have been able to eradicate this feeling, and this irrational belief!!!! I have finally learned to accept and love myself for what I am, with all my little weaknesses and shortcomings.
And I love my friends for what they are, without judging, and without expectations.
And I keep telling myself every night before I go to bed, how blessed I am to be so fortunate to have so many people who I care about and who care about me.

Harry likes to keep everything in the loft. It’s not a bad idea as such, as it good to have our house free of clutter, but sometimes he goes over board, and he demands that I put items that I need to use in the loft too.
This time I needed to start packing for my trip to Moscow, and I wanted to get a suitcase and a box with baby clothes for my sister. I have started asking Harry about 2-3 weeks ago, but he seems to be having a great pleasure delaying getting the suitcase for me. I told him that if he does not get it by the end of the weekend, I will get it myself. He hates the idea of me going to the loft, he thinks that I’ll break everything and fall through the roof. “Don’t threaten me” – he told me . How funny, he considers me going to the loft a threat!
He promised me that I will have it by Monday, but of course it was not there. Nor was it there on Tuesday, so I finally decided that I got tired of asking him.
I got into the car today during the lunch break – bright sunny day, nice music playing…and I drove home. I got in, extended the ladder, removed the “roof”, climbed up, found what I needed and carefully got it down! I even had a chance to put everything into the suitcase! Gosh there is no more room, I would have to re-pack it very carefully. Anyways, I felt very happy and proud of myself. I had a nice lunch and drove back…
Let’s see what Harry’s reaction would be to this.
For me it’s inspiring to break his unreasonable rules, and prove to myself that there is nothing that I can’t do by myself – NOTHING!

The weekend was pretty good.
Saturday morning we spend cleaning the house, and while Yuri was sleeping we worked on the garden.
It was more enjoyable this time, as the way we worked was more efficient and we could see the results right away. Harry invented a clever way to clean the soil (I have to admit - he some ingenious ideas, and comes up with original solutions and ways to tackle all sorts of challenges). We had fine metal grids and sieved the soil through it, so grass, rubbish and stones got separated from the soil. We must have worked about 1.5 - 2 hours.. I got a bit tired. But then in the afternoon Harry kept his promise to go to the Carnival pool. It was a wonderful place, with several pools of different sizes, slides, fountain, Jacuzzi, and even sauna (which we did not use this time). There was so much more to do for Yuri, but he was scared to go into the deep water, or Jacuzzi... So we played on the steps and in the shallow beach pool instead. I think he also liked watching other children playing… May be next time he'll be more adventurous too.

After that we went to Tesco in Wokingham, and it was fine, as we only got a few items, and we also had a coffee in a cosy coffee shop there.

When we got home, Harry made some dinner, we ate, and played with Yuri a bit and I went to bed reasonably early. It was a pretty normal day (just Harry's unnecessary pressure to clean the house, and to work on the garden was a bit annoying). And when we were driving back from the pool, I told Harry : "look, this is such an easy drive, and only 15 minutes from home. I can do it on my own", and he responded: "you want to drive here all by yourself? You are mad!"… I think it's definitely not me who is mad in this case, but it's just not looking very promising. Guess I have to get myself a car soon, I am hesitating as this would take all my savings…

On Sunday I went to Ealing and spent almost the whole day there. It was just great. The minute I get out of the house I just start feeling fantastic, as I leave Harry behind and I know I can be free from his influence for the whole day! As I was leaving the house, he said "don’t forget to criticize me!".. Silly man.

We had a nice train ride, Yuri is so excited about getting on the train! There was a family in the seats in front of us, with 2 young girls (probably around 2 and 4 y.o). They were smiling at Yuri, and he smiled back, and then they offered his some crisps… and then we looked outside the window, and there were some tractors and diggers and he was laughing and saying "digger- digger!"

I got my glassed fixed in the Spec savers (which I was very pleased about!), and I looked at some shops.. There is a lot final sale, and I think if I was not meeting Nina, I would have spent hours in the shops. But soon I needed to go. Nina arrived just after me, looking radiant. We went to Carluccios, it was a little too noisy and busy, but the food was good. Yuri slept for about an hour, so we were able to chat.. I was pleasantly surprised to see Nina so calm about breaking up with Eduardo, she is very strong, and very positive person. I do really enjoy her company!
When Yuri woke up he was a little grumpy for a while, but then I got some ice-cream and he was sorted!
After lunch we went to Nina's bus stop and Steph met us there. I went to her place and we had a very relaxing afternoon with a glass of wine. Yuri is very comfortable with her, and they were playing so well together!
We chatted about all sorts of things, I love Steph!

The evening was ok, though Harry tried to complain about me coming back late, and wanted to interrogate me more.. But it no longer works. So I went to bed early, and immerged myself into more reading.

Office is a little more exciting today, Tina is here, and the new trainer has started today as well, so there is a little more interaction, and lots of sweets (chocolates from Germany and Switzerland, and gummy bears, brrr).

Little Yuri does not seize to be my delight. He is so alive and so quick, and very expressive. He learns things very fast, and he is very imaginative as he comes up with something new all the time! I tend to forget all the funny little things he does, and can only recall the most recent ones. Like he would blow his cheeks while drinking milk, or get the paper yogurt cover and dip it into the yogurt, and than lick it from the paper (rather than eating from the spoon).
He can do all the puzzles now, and then he collects all the pieces into a nice paper gift back, and walks around the house with it.. Yesterday he managed to stick all the puzzle pieces under the fridge, I am not even sure how I got them out, but luckily nothing got lost. He still laughs every night.. He would climb on the sofa, or put cushions on the floor and jump on them, and just laugh his head off.. He is so full of joy, we can't resist and laugh too.
His favourite books are still "Repka" and "Diggers". The Repka story fascinates him so much, he would listen to it again and again. But couple of days ago he torn the book into small pieces, so no more Repka reading for him.
He repeats more and more words after me,, yesterday in the bath he was pointing at his bum and saying "popa!" - it made me laugh.. Anyways I laugh all the time with him.
In the supermarket he used to get bored, so now I started to get him involved in the shopping. Last time I gave him a long cucumber, a banana and a tomato, and he was holding it in his hands while I was pushing him in his push chair. He was doing it so well, so everyone around looked at him and smiled.

He has recently developed some strong fears.. He used to love dogs, cats, rabbits, ducks and swans…He would come to them and look at them closely and even touch them. But one day a big dog barked at him, and that was it - the fear was triggered, and now he is scared of all animals and birds. Each time if a dog or a cat is somewhere around, he starts screaming. If he is walking beside me, he would extend his hands and want me to pick him up. And when I hold him in my arms, he would hug me around the neck so tightly, and hide his face into my shoulder, so he could no longer see the scary creature… it's very touching..but I hope his fears will go away soon. He is even afraid of ducks and does not want to go feed them anymore.. And even small tiny birds make him uncomfortable.

In the nursery he is afraid of his dance teacher. Each time she comes in, he start screaming.. I would really like to understand what that means?
What is going on in his head, and how can I help him not to be scared? I keep telling him that he should not be afraid, that everyone around his is kind and won't harm him, but so far this has not worked.

In the mornings when I take him to the nursery we now run around on the grass field where the shed is. He gets so excited each time! He points towards the filed and tells me "I-ga, I-ga", which must mean 'igrat'. He can be very bossy this little boy!
And when I pick him up from the nursery, I try to take him to the playground at least once or twice a week (when the weather is nice), and we both enjoy spinning around and trying out all the things there. The happy look on Yuri's face is priceless.

I am hopelessly in love with him. May be it sounds crazy, or too boring, but this is what it is.. I've never felt so fulfilled and so complete before I had Yuri. I used to be happy too, but there has always been some void inside me which I could not explain, and I used to make feel sad or lost...
Now this feeling is gone, and it just seems to be better and better.


Yuri goes to bad easily again. He has a bath, put his pyjamas on, has a yogurt, and then he is readily saying "doo-doo, doo-doo", and I just put him in the cot, and this is it! And has been sleeping fine too, so I feel reenergised again after the last 2 nights.

Yesterday we met up with Marianne and little Freya in Waitrose for a drink. We had such a great time, sharing stories and laughing… I had so much energy and was so excited, I had to make an effort to calm down. Yuri was fine too, he even played and smiled at Marianne, he is surely getting better at socialising with people, and it's really nice to watch.

I've been feeling quite tired lately… Harry took a habit of falling asleep in the living room while watching his new big TV. But then at some point in the middle of the night he decides to go back into the "conjugal bed", and each time he begins to touch me in a way that wakes me up. I asked him not to do it so many times! But he claims that he cannot control it and that his hands do it automatically. So the fact remains that every night he disturbs my sleep. In addition to it, Yuri lately often wakes up some time in the middle of the night. Last night it was at 4 am, and the night before around 1 pm.. If he does not calm down after 5-10 minutes, I usually get up and go to pick him up.. He takes the breast and after 15-20 minutes he is happy to be back in his cot and is fast asleep, but my nights are broken.. That is why I fall asleep in front of my PC every afternoon, and try to wake myself up by making a record in my diary.

I have not been able to do my morning exercises last week and a half, either I oversleep, or Yuri wakes up too early, and I have to go into his room to feed him, so by the time I finish with him it's too late..
I am clearly more active that 2-3 months ago. I walk 30 minutes every day (when I pick Yuri up from the nursery), and I also go swimming at least once a week.. Still I have not lost any weight, and am not managing to control my bad eating habits in the office. I am becoming a compulsive eater of all the junk that gets onto our "sweets cabinet".. I know I should not be eating it, but when it's there, I just can't control myself. It's much easier on the weekends, there is no temptations at home, but then we end up going for an ice-cream or for a pint of cider in one of the local pubs, and the unnecessary consumption continues uninterrupted.

I do not hate myself for it, but I just wish I could be stronger.. I've done this in the past, why does it seem so difficult now?

Yesterday I had a pretty good evening. We went to the playground with Yuri, and he was ever so happy! His face just lit up, and the smile would not leave it the whole time we were there. He did not even have a tantrum when we got home, on the contrary he was very happy and he also ate all his roast chicken and vegetable dinner with very obvious pleasure (saying mnyam-mnyam and smiling while eating)… and all the rest of the evening was nice and peaceful. Yuri is so adorable, my love for him (already immense) just keeps growing. I can't get enough of looking it him, his features are so perfect, and face so lively and expressive.. I have never known a feeling stronger than this.. Anyways we had a happy evening, and Yuri also went to bed without any troubles!!! I am so glad I can do it myself again and do not need to rely on Harry any longer...
But the evening did not end so well… I sat down by the computer and started putting together photos for a memory book for Steph. It was very enjoyable until Harry came and started watching me. I hate it so much when he acts like police, watches my every move and questions my every action. Nowhere in the house can I have privacy while he is at home, he follows me everywhere and wants to know what exactly I am doing. I do get furious about this, though I know I should not… So, he started watching what I was doing, and he spotted a picture with himself on it. This was the day Steph and Nina came to see Yuri for the first time.
It was a very special day for me, and I wanted this photo to be in the memory book. But Harry wanted me to take this photo away, and then he decided to crop the photo, and take himself out. He spent 10-15 minutes fiddling around with it… I hated it, and hated him again… Why, why, why does he always interfere with my business?????… I know it's not a big deal, but I really do not like it. I did manage to calm down quickly, and in fact I managed to save the photo that I wanted on the internet, so I can still put it in the memory book. Harry will go crazy if he discovers it, but I do not care…

This reminded me of the torture he used to put me through when he wanted to control what photos of Yuri I was sending to friends. He insisted on "approving" photos before I am allowed to send them to anyone.
Thanks heaven this is in the past, and I no longer allow him to do this to me...

Last night I was able to go swimming. Harry got home on time, and I rushed to the bus stop, and it was the right thing to do, as the bus was earlier than the schedule again, and came just a minute after I got to the bus stop. I had a whole hour of swimming - what a pleasure.. Swimming for me is like meditation, also my mind suddenly clears up and I am able to analyse very complicated things and make my best decisions! It was during swimming in Sunbury when I decided to quit my job at Cyntergy. It was very risky (if I did not get another job with an employer willing to get me a work permit, I would have had to leave the UK), but I concluded then that it was worth the risk back then, and I was right!
Yesterday I was day dreaming, my imagination took me into so many wonderful situations in the future, I pictured travelling again and seeing all the people I love.
I was back in Paris - meeting my classmates and all the babies of my friends that were born after I left France, and in Italy with Vivi, and in Munich with Simone…And I could see taking family holidays by the sea side with my parents, Tanya and our kids… There is so much to look forward to - life is just so great!

I came out so happy.. As I rushed out of the house in a summer dress, I was feeling a little cold, so I waited for Harry inside the entrance of the swimming pool. I was looking at some brochures, and did not see the car coming. Harry called me and told angrily: "what are you doing standing there?". I went out and got into the car, and he was ever so annoyed. He was telling me off and lecturing me about being so insensitive and stupid, for not waiting for him by the road. "So he had to stop the car and call me!!!".. "You are amazing!" he kept saying, "you are amazing, you can't understand such simple things" . He kept going on and on complaining, but I just switched off, I knew that nothing could disturb the inner peace and happiness that I was feeling inside. I kept quiet, and I was still enjoying my relaxed state of mind, while Harry's angry speech continued. Yuri was smiling happily on his baby-seat at the back, and I smiled back and felt even more happy.

Not sure where to start, had a lot of thoughts over the weekend that I wanted to write down…
It's been such a busy morning for a change, doing Alex's and Dan's work makes time go so fast. I am not even feeling sleepy despite of such a bad broken night.
Something is happening with Yuri, just as he started going to bed without problems (even I was able to put him to bed last week) and sleep through the night, than all over sudden it all changed again.
Last two nights have been really bad, he would not stop crying, and just did not want to settle down. He ended up crying (really screaming) for 1 hour, from 1am to 2 am. Needless to say that I did not sleep at all, and then he woke up at 5:30 again. I have to go for "controlled crying", so getting myself ready for a few more difficult nights. But he needs to learn that sleep time is sleep time...

Otherwise the weekend was quite good.. I did not want to spend the entire weekend with Harry, but as usual he forced me to do it… Though he's been his usual horrible self, with a bad anger attack on Saturday night, and many nasty provocative comments, I am getting more and more immune to all this.. I am so calm inside I even surprise myself.

I am completely shut down.. I no longer share anything that truly concerns me with him, and I do not need anything from him… It frustrates him terribly, he demands that I talk to him, but I just can't do it anymore… Sometimes I tell him things, usually about Yuri.. But he always feels that this is not enough.
Our communication is very bizarre.. Harry never shares anything, he only makes critical comments or demands something from me, or interrogates me. He has absolutely nothing to say to me. And the only subject that he can discuss is how we'll have a business together one day, and not work for someone else. I know that this is never going to happen, and this conversation is always a waste of time, but he keeps dragging me into it, and then gets angry and frustrated about my lack of enthusiasm.
So we talk about house chores, and a bit about Yuri.. I ask no questions, and though I am sometimes tempted to be like Harry and point out all the mistakes he makes, I don't even bother with that anymore. He just does not exist for me. And that is probably why I can not recall any conversations that took place this weekend, and none of his nasty comments. My memory just rejects taking it in. I have more than enough examples of his abusiveness, and I understood enough about what to expect in the future. He is trying to force me into going away for a weekend with him. After horrible experiences last year, I have promised myself that that was the very last holiday we ever took together. I have to keep strong and not give in to his demands.

Despite of all this, we somehow shared some very pleasurable activities over this past weekend.
In the morning I took Yuri for a hair-cut (interesting experience, given Yuri's new fear of cutting hair). He had to sit on my lap, and he hugged my tightly while his hair was cut. The hair-dresser Michelle was so kind and understanding, we had a nice chat, and I really enjoyed the experience.

We worked on the garden while Yuri was asleep, it was tiring and quite boring (picking up dead grass, roots and stones from the soil), but at least we have made some progress, and there is not much remaining to be done.

In the afternoon we took Yuri to the fun fair. He got a bit scared of the loud noise, and he is still too young to go on the rides, but he did go on the swing, and he truly loved the big ball that we got him from one of the stands.. We then just ran around on the field kicking the big ball, and it was good fun.

On Sunday morning we took Yuri to Jamboray - children activity centre. Yuri was on top of the world, and I loved it too. This is exactly the kind of thing that I want to do with Yuri. I love to run and jump around and be silly, and then just do all the different activities that are on offer. Harry got bored quickly, and started nagging to go home, but we still had a great time.

In the afternoon we went to the local pub, had a drink there while Yuri played on the slide.. It was very relaxing, and again seeing Yuri so happy is the most wonderful thing in the world.
He looks so different with his short hair, I almost do not recognise him. And he is still a funny boy coming up with something new every day. He is still trying to learn how to put on his shoes, and yesterday he tried to put on his long sleeved t-shirt, but it was a bit too challenging.
He has mastered the puzzles, and he is reading books to himself, which is very funny to watch. His face is so expressive, I smile each time when he wrinkles up his nose when he has a smelly nappy ("pappy" as he calls it), or when he blows on his hot food.. Or when he is demonstrating how he would fall down and hit his head…Yesterday he was trying to walk backwards like Harry, so we all walked backwards on the little alley-way, Читать далее...

********

You are asking me lots of questions again, good questions, and even difficult ones…
I am not even sure if I know all the answers.
What am I waiting for? Who knows… My latest dilemma is related to the practical aspect our separation. All legal advisors advise AGAINST leaving the house, they insist to start the divorce while still leaving together. As the house is on my name, I am still liable for the mortgage, and Harry could put me into financial troubles by refusing to pay it (as legally I should be paying it). So for this reason if I leave, I will not be able to afford another place. And unless I am staying somewhere for free or very little fee, this is not feasible.
If I start all the legal proceedings while we are leaving together he can make my life hell…And this is likely not to be SAFE..
The women’s organisation is convinced that it’s safer to leave first and then start the divorce.
So I still can’t make up my mind which option is the least of two evils.
I said the end of the year, as this is when our current mortgage agreement ends, and from January 5th we can sell the house without any financial penalties for stopping the mortgage.
Also I know that he does not want to leave the house, and if he will be forced to leave, he will know where to find me and might harass me. I guess I am worried mainly about his reaction, becoming very vindictive, etc. He is capable of very smart and nasty revenge (he has access to all my financial and personal information, so he could do something really bad).

Also I am not looking forward to moving to a new place, and all the hassles related to the move itself (packing, changing my address), Yuri’s childcare arrangement, etc. If anything it all requires time, which I do not have at all. I think financially I will be barely able to make ends meet, but I will survive. We’ve got pretty much everything for Yuri (clothes, that my friends and relatives gave us), and childcare will get less expensive after about 1 year. Till the end of the year I should be able to save a little bit as well.
The main issue is when and where do I start, and how.? once the process has started there will be no going back.

I think you must have gotten a wrong impression from my records, he is in fact less violent recently compared to before, and he never ever hurt me physically. He used to grab me, blocked my way, and all those kind of things much more often. Also now his anger attacks appear rarer and less violent. In other words it’s easier for me now to live with him, but still this is not a reason to stay, I fully realise it.
You are right about making any agreements with him – it’s an absolute waste of time, so I can not count on anything that he promises.

I am going to Moscow in exactly 3 weeks time, for 10 days. I can’t wait!
My sister’s little girl is called Ira. I’ll send you some pictures from Russia with her.
Also I’ll send you a link to my birthday photos.

ciao asya avevo preparato una email per farti gli auguri perche' avevo visto sulla mia agenda "4 agosto compl asya" e poi vado a leggere il tuo diario e mi accorgo che e' gia stato...quando, il primo? sono incorreggibile scusami..ma non avrei potuto comunque spedirti gli auguri in tempo perche' mi trovavo in vacanza in sardegna e ti assicuro che lì e' impossibile trovare un internet point e soprattutto che funzioni...sembra di essere in un'italia degli anni 60..

ho letto che sei riuscita a passare il tuo compleanno discretamente con i tuoi amici e con un harry umanamente tollerabile..ho letto tutti i tuoi racconti da aprile a oggi e credo che sei veramente molto paziente...io sarei gia' scoppiata da molto tempo, non avrei avuto la forza di tentare di capire come hai fatto tu, leggere libri documentarti parlare con persone che sono nella tua stessa situazione o che lavorano nell'assistenza...non riesco ancora a capire cosa vuoi sopportare ancora prima di deciderti a lasciarlo..forse quando facevi l'elenco dei pro e contro mi e' sembrato di capire che temi molto l'instabilita' economica futura e il dover affrontare situazioni di separazioni che possano avere delle conseguenze drammatiche. ma piu' questo momento e' allontanato nel tempo piu' il dramma potrebbe avere dimensioni catastrofiche..pensa soprattutto a yuri, invece di colpire te potrebbe accanirsi contro lui che sa essere il piu' grande bene per te...


tu dici che ormai sei forte psicologicamente e non puo' ferirti con le parole, pero' mi sembra che adesso stia cominciando ad usare anche le mani..non credi che stia diventando pericoloso proprio fisicamente?
ma poi perche' vorresti lasciargli la casa? non e' lui in difetto che dovrebbe andarsene? se poi lavorera' come libero professionista nel settore del real estate sono sicura che non avra' problemi a trovare l'occasione di un flat in affitto o da comprare. perche' mi sembra che anche la casa costituisca un handicap per te, o sbaglio?ma se vuoi lasciargliela, potresti eventualmente condividere casa con un'altra donna nella tua situazione o optare per l'assistenza del crossbridge, insomma non lo vedo come un grosso problema.

ti sei data la scadenza di fine anno perche' succedera' qualcosa di particolare o perche' rappresenta una data simbolica che rientra nei patti? ma serve fare dei patti con un pazzo come harry?a che pro?il suo non certo il tuo che non hai bisogno di impegni scritti per vivere una vita di coppia.

quando parti per le vacanze a mosca? e quando ritorni? fai tanti auguri a tanya da parte mia per la bimba che si chiama...?mandami una foto con il tuo nuovo look e di yuri prima di partire..
adesso ti racconto un po' di me...

sono appena rientrata ieri dalla sardegna dove ho passato delle belle vacanze al mare.

una settimana sulla costa est in campeggio con mia cugina antonietta e suo marito, spiagge di sabbia finissima bianca, fondali azzurro verde, il camping a 200 metri dalla spiaggia ben attrezzato e silenzioso (cosa rara per l'italia) il paesetto vicino piccolo ma delizioso. insomma una specie di vacanza in famiglia con orari stabiliti colazione pranzo cena, dopo tre giorni ero gia' stufa e me ne andavo in spiaggia quando volevo, non pranzavo piu', facevo lunghe nuotate mentre loro erano spiattellati sulla sabbia ad arrostirsi...pero' tutto sommato e' andata bene anche cosi perche' mi ha fatto piacere stare un po' con loro, ascoltarli, capire anche la loro vita fatta di tante piccole sicurezze ed equilibri consolidati, che guai a sfiorare per far prendere un po' piu' di consapevolezza...discussioni tra sordi..ma pazienza..

poi e' avvenuto il miracolo: domenica avrei dovuto ripartire per casa e invece romina mi propone di andare sulla costa ovest dove lei stava a casa dai suoi per un paio di giorni...naturalmente non a casa sua perche' era li' con la sua amica-ex compagna, ma mi avrebbe trovato un campeggio...alla fine mi sono fermata tre giorni e romina mi ha fatto visitare tutte le "sue" spiagge, la sua citta' dove ha studiato e ha vissuto fino a 19 anni, il suo bar preferito, insomma e' stato un percorso nella sua vita piu' lontana e intima...e' stato molto bello anche perche' non era previsto, perche' quando gliel'avevo proposto io aveva detto che era proprio impossibile, poi come sempre dopo il primo no, ha detto si..e' strano sai, ma romi come prima risposta da' sempre un no, forse per prendersi un po' di tempo e poi cambia idea..e' difficile starle dietro e se una si ferma alla prima e' finita..
con romi va abbastanza bene, ma non si capisce ancora dove stiamo andando. cioe' quando stiamo insieme e' tutto molto intenso, parliamo un sacco siamo concordi su molti aspetti della vita, ma poi non si riesce a mettere dei punti fermi, e' come se ogni volta bisognasse ripartire da capo: incertezze, dubbi, paure, equilibri da smontare e rimontare, e poi c'e' questa donna che le sta ancora a fianco che e' cosi importante per lei..quasi una figura Читать далее...

I am absolutely unable to concentrate on work this morning.. This is not normal, as usually I am super-productive in the mornings, but then slow down in the afternoons and struggle not to fall asleep. But today, I just can't get anything done, my mind is elsewhere, so I decided to make a quick record in my journal.
Today is exactly 3 years since I joined IDeaS.. I remember my first day here so clearly, as if it was yesterday. Full of sunshine, anticipation and excitement. I just moved to this area a day before, and took a taxi to come to the office...It was a time of the new beginning, very promising and very happy.

Now certainly pleased with the experience and all the things that I've learned here, I find myself less motivated, and often bored. I know that this comes from the way I think about it - and it's in my power to change my perception of it (need to apply the tricks form "the guide to rational living", that I am reading at the moment). It really is not practical to change jobs while Yuri is so young and with the current childcare arrangement, so I should better learn to like it again, at least for now. It's good to know that the job is very secure, and that I am making decent money (something I always strived to achieve). And it's stress-free which allows a great life-work balance..

Anyways, today is also exactly one year since I passed my driving test! Again a nice benchmark, but also a realisation that still I have restricted freedom, and have not driven anywhere far, because of Harry… But I am no longer feeling nervous and am truly enjoying being in the car, which I never thought could be possible. My confidence has certainly increased during this year and I am ready to move on!

My little niece has finally got a name last week. My sister's first choice was Jana - and I just love that name.. I always thought that if I have a daughter, I would call her Jana.. I thinks it's just a very lovely name, and I really hoped that this will be her choice.. But it turned out that my mother hates it, and so my sister had to respect her feelings and give it up. My mother was in favour of Angelina (Lina), which I also thought was quite cute and original. But my sister absolutely did not like it… so after long debates and discussions with other relatives they have decided to call her Ira (Irina)..I was disappointed at first, but it did not last long. At the end of the day, I'll love her just the same. It's strange, but this is the most supreme form of love, where you love just because this person exists, you are just willing to give and not expecting anything in return… all you want is for the child to be happy, and this is the most rewarding thing!

I am concerned about the pressure my mother is putting on Tanya. After reading more books on psychological disorders, I realised that she often behaves like a neurotic, she overreacts, over-exaggerates and becomes very aggressive towards us. She is almost abusive at those times, as she can say very insulting and very unfair things for absolutely no reason. But then she calms down, and she is a very loving and giving person, so guess we just forget about her unjustified anger. I came to realise that I have a tendency to be like her, and I can also easily become enraged. Unlike my mother, I admit that I have this problem, and now I am willing to trace it's origins and work on it.
I am just worried that she puts a lot of pressure on Tanya, and makes her very upset. It brakes my heart when I hear Tanya saying that she cried all night because of the horrible things my mother told her, or when my mother pressures her to do things certain way. I had similar situations with Harry, and I know how hard it is when this is concerning your baby… Mothers should have the right to make decisions and be respected for that.
I also do not like that my mother seems to favour me over Tanya, and say that I am "good", as I had done it all the right way (natural birth, breastfeeding, etc, etc).. And that my sister is not "as good", I think this is very wrong, and damaging.. How could I get into her head and change this thinking?

I got a letter from Vivi today, and should set some time aside to reply. There are some very good questions as usual, and by answering them I'll get my thoughts in order again...

I am now 35.. It sounds really strange, but somehow I am feeling really good about it.
May be this is called maturity? But I just think that now I have enough understanding about myself and about life in general that will help me to be happy. I have achieved most of the things that I've wanted, all the hardest things really…I feel like I have certainly done something with my life, and I am pleased to be where I am... the rest will be so much easier (may be apart from divorce).. So next objectives are freedom and naturalisation.. And then I want to have a very busy social life, lots of visiting friends, and also travels.. I want to be able to treat all my friends and my family members with the special attention they all deserve.. And I want to have lots of fun times with Yuri, so he'll remember his childhood as a very happy times, shared together.
And then I would like to meet a very kind and loving man, and have another baby.. A girl may be?
It will be all possible, I know.. I have so much energy, but it was blocked and diverted into arguments and self destruction.. Well, this is in the past now. Now it can only get better and better!

I had quite a bit of attention in the past 2 days, and lots of presents… I do like it, and I have to admit it to myself. I am so blessed, I keep telling myself this every night!

Unfortunately Nina and Steph could not come on Sunday as they were both unwell, but everyone else was able to come, and it was great to have a house full of lovely people! Pascal and the sweet little Bastian, who behaved so well; Valerie and Mayank, Andrei and Claire with their girls, and even Natasha with Gill (she drove from so far away!)…
The whole day was nice and relaxing...And we even managed to play taboo at the end, and it was good fun..
And yesterday I was getting all the phone calls, from Madina, Marianne, Larissa, Svetik.. And the gorgeous flowers from Larissa!
And lots of e-mails.
Steph's present was the best ever in my life, the treatment in the ESPA was real luxury - it almost seemed unreal… I felt like I was just flying away to another world - the world of pure pleasure. I do not remember ever feeling so relaxed…
And it was nice to be able to chat with Steph during lunch.. She is a truly special friend.. (I am already thinking what should I do for her birthday, I have a few months and need to come up with something truly amazing.)
And to top it up, gorgeous looking Shelly and Deborah came with their boys, and we had some sparkling vine together… They were so sweet! We were just sitting, chatting and laughing, and children were playing. This is what I love - why do I have to be deprived of such simple pleasures?

Harry was the only one was not rejoicing for me...He tortured me all Saturday and Sunday morning, he wanted the house to be perfectly clean, and he forced me to do things his way. He even made me go to Tesco, buy what he thought was good, and he was very rude.
But then on Sunday he behaved like a normal person, he helped with the cooking and all the arrangements, and was very nice to everyone. I was not scared at all that he would spoil the party or do his "speech", I really do not understand why he had to threaten me about this.. But anyways the fact is that he could not spoil my special day, neither on Sunday, nor on Monday..

He actually cooked me breakfast on Monday.. And he got some flowers on Saturday to decorate the house, and he said that it was for me… I asked him why he is getting it on Saturday, and not Monday. He said it's because he does not have time to buy flowers on Monday (despite having a day off!). I did not get any presents from him as expected, so no surprises there…I just hope next year I would not have to deal with him anymore, that would be the best present!