Harry has been going crazy in the past dew days. When I told him that I want to keep everything on my name, as this is the advice that I got, he completely lost it. He started screaming, and begging me to let him be on the mortgage… Yesterday I had to stay home with Yuri because of his ear infection, so Harry called me and begged me over the phone. When he got home, he looked absolutely awful, scary face, all black. He started attacking me as soon as he walked in. He seemed severely distressed. He kept saying : “why are you doing this to me?, why are you doing this to me?”, and when I asked “doing what?”, he would not answer and just kept repeating the same question. And then he was saying “what do you want, what do you want?”, he said so many things about what an evil person I am, that I want to ruin him and his life, and so many things that I can no longer recall. I think he lost him mind, he was full of anger and he at some point hit the table, so Yuri’s milk spilled out everywhere. He was also saying that he is going to loose his job soon, that all his life will be destroyed and that this is all because of me – evil and vicious person.
I was not frightened of him, I kept very calm and I told him that I should either keep the house on my name, or he should buy me out. He then agreed to buy me out, and we negotiated the pay off. We agreed on £20000, I know I am entitled to a lot more, but I do not want to fight anymore. This will be enough for a deposit, and I’ll be able to buy a small house for me, if I need to. I know I will be fine. We have filed the on-line divorce application later that evening, and also prepared a document where we stated our intentions.
We had some arguments about Yuri, Harry would not let me go to sleep, he could not care less that I was tired and unwell.
I could not sleep as my nose was blocked, it was very similar to the illness I had in April during my trip to Moscow, illness resulting from complete emotional fatigue.

I took some of Yuri’s medication, and it helped, I actually managed to sleep.
I got some more books on abuse, it’s helping me to get a deeper understanding on the destruction that it’s doing to me and my personal integrity. Books help me stay strong.

This morning he was mad again, and he was arguing about access to Yuri, he said he would want to come to the place where I live any time he likes in order to see Yuri.
He said he would come for a cup of tea.. I said : NO. He started blaming me again, telling me that I am a horrible vicious person, that he wants me to die, that god will punish me from depriving Yuri to spending time with him. He looked totally insane.
He tried to intimidate me by grabbing my neck. I pulled away and told him to stop being violent.
I told him that we would need to agree about access to Yuri and stick to the agreement. He insisted we have to both be together when we spend time with Yuri, and I repeated that this is out of question. Once we separate, I will not spend any time with Harry, and I will not let him come to my house. He was awfully mad about this.
Luckily it was time to go to work.
I have a feeling that he won’t leave me along even if we separate, but I’ll keep fighting. If he harasses me, I do know how to stop him, law will be on my side.
At least I will not see him every day, and will take holidays with Yuri when I want to.

Yesterday I called Shelly, she was free in the afternoon and came over for a cup of tea, it was really nice to see her and Tommy. It was relaxing, we did not have to keep an eye on the clock all the time – such rare luxury.
When I am finally free from Harry, I’ll do this kind of things as much as I want to!

It was a dreadful night (from Sunday to Monday). Starting from about 1:30 in the morning Yuri started waking up and crying really hard…I would come to him, calm him down, and then 15-20 minutes later he would start screaming again. We took turns to come to him with Harry, but Harry got increasingly annoyed, and lost his temper. He screamed at me when I did not do what he wanted me to do (i.e. leave Yuri to cry in his cot, or not do things to comfort him). We had no idea why he was screaming so hard, there was nothing obvious. He had no fever, and when I asked him if he had pain anywhere, he was not really responding anything. At some point we thought he was hungry, so I took him to the kitchen.. He seemed happy to be up and happily sat on the chair. Then Harry came, and he stood and watched us with an angry face, giving instructions, and demanding I stop and put Yuri back to bed. When I asked him why does not he go back to sleep while I am taking care of Yuri, he said something very angry and very untrue, something like “if he goes back to bed, I will come and make noise and wake him up, as I am like a elephant, can not walk quietly, and apparently every night I shit in the toilet make noise and disturb him!” That was total rubbish, I hardly ever wake up at night, and it’s in fact him who comes and disturbs my sleep. I did not say anything. I was very annoyed and angry at his behaviour that night though. He was not letting me taking care of my son, and he was screaming and me and swearing at my stupidity and non-wiliness to obey him. In the morning we did not carry on the usual routine, I called the nursery and told them that Yuri will come in later.
Harry took a day off pretending he is looking after a sick child, and I took Yuri to the nursery around 9am as he did not want to sleep anyways. I came home and slept for about an hour, it was not enough to recover from the sleepless night, but better than nothing. I then went to work. I felt absolutely exhausted all day. Yuri seemed to have been fine, and when he got home at night, I have discovered that there is some crust around his left ear, and that some pus has come out, Yuri also pointed at the ear and said “bo-bo”.. So I finally understood what was troubling him. I read all the info we had about ear infections and all finally made sense, I understood his crying and lack of any visible symptoms, and why it was so painful for him to lie down. Now that the pus came out, the pain was much less, and he was himself again, lovely happy boy!
Last night he only woke up once, and he seemed fine this morning.

That night will remain a nightmare in my memory, mainly because and the pain of seeing my child suffering, but even more so because of the horrible Harry, who made this experience 100 times worse.

It was one more of those weekends where Harry tested my tolerance level.
He pushed, and demanded, and insulted and irritated me again as much as he could.
The only break I had was the Saturday evening at Stef’s place.

Harry insisted he needed the car and pushed me to leave early, wake Yuri up and go to Stef’s place. I did not want to wake Yuri, but he kept on pushing and being very unpleasant. Once Yuri woke up, he demanded we go right away, so it turned out that we got to Stefanie’s place, but there was no one there. Harry had already driven away.. I looked through the windows, it was dark inside, I touched the door, it was open, so we went in. I called “anyone there?”, but there were no reply, I called Stef’s mobile, and she told me they are on their way home… so we waited for them.. it was very strange, I was shocked by how cold and distant the house was without Stef, Steve and the children. Fortunately we did not have to wait for too long, the arrived, we had a good laugh together and spent a wonderful evening! Yuri and Louis played together, and especially towards the end of the evening they were having so much fun, we were all touched to see them enjoying each other’s company so much.
We had fondue for dinner, and some nice wine. Yuri was so comfortable, for the first time he was happy not constantly being near me, so I could have dinner and talk to Stef and Steve without any interruptions….

The rest of the weekend already disappeared from my memory, there have been many arguments.. Think we went shopping for Yuri’s shoes.. and the only other thing worth mentioning is the fact that I bought an on-line divorce package, and we have agreed to start the divorce process. Guess we’ll launch it this week. I am still not quite ready to believe that this is true! Until it actually happens, I will still worry that Harry will change his mind.
Harry’s twisted logic is telling him that to divorce is the only way to make me stay with him… that suites me, though I have no intention of staying, of course.

I love my life these days! Though I am still not 100% over my cold, and Harry is still the same, I am happy!
Last Saturday I went to Pascal’s 40th birthday party…Before that I went to pick-up Lyuba’s present in Kensington, it was really hard to travel through London, but I managed! More and more I realise that there is nothing that I can not do by myself. And we had a very good day, lovely lunch with Steph and Paul and then very good time in the pub with Pascal and friends. And on Tuesday I went to the IMHI reunion in London. It was one of the most exciting nights recently, I was so happy to be there and see everyone. It was only for 1 hour, but well worth the travelling. I left the party with overwhelming feeling of happiness… Yuri was with Steph, and it went really well, she said he behaved like and angel.
So most things that I want are happening. Yesterday Harry said that he agrees to divorce. I am not sure if this is for real (never know with him), but if it is, things will be much easier. I am dreading leaving the house and settling in elsewhere, but it will surely be much better than I am imagining it.
And now I have decided to go home end of December. I had to pick up my passport in person, so this is a very good excuse.. especially because I can celebrate the New Year with my family. I wanted to be away from Harry over the holidays, so this is now happening! I will be with the people I love the most, and Yuri will see the snow and his first Russian New year with the family.. and lots of presents.. so like all other children he’ll be able to say that he had a great Christmas (though it will not be Christmas technically, but the celebration will be the same).

Work has also been busy and much more interesting, I am truly enjoying it again.

Still no reply from Derek, I am a bit disappointed.

Today I have sent the following letter to an expert in family law:

Dear Derek,

Thank you for your time over the phone on Wednesday. I would like to “officially” ask for your advice, and have explained my situation in more detail and drafted some questions below. It's easier for me to communicate via e-mail (as I am at work all day in an open-plan office), if this is ok with you.
Please do let me know about the charges, how much I need to transfer to you for this and how I can make the payment.

Situation:
I have met Harry at a graduate school in France 7 years ago, we got jobs in different countries and we had a long-distance relationship for some years. We have been married for 3.5 years, and he joined me here in January 2004. Ever since we started living together, he became increasingly controlling and possessive with frequent anger attacks. When he moved here, he had a very good job, but it only lasted about 5 months and then the office closed down. It did not help our relationship when he lost his job, and he has become very depressed and his abusive behaviours kept increasing. I was pregnant then, and we had our child born in September 2004.
Harry was still out of job, and at that time we had a possibility to buy the house that we’ve been renting, so we got the mortgage on my name and the title of the property was also on my name. Though Harry still often was unreasonable and angry, I still tried my best to please him and did everything I could to “save the family”.
As Harry was still out of job, I returned to work in January 2005, when our son was just over 4 months old. We could not afford paying for childcare on my salary, and Harry was not willing to work, so he stayed at home with the baby. At this time he has found my weak point and was constantly manipulating me using our child. Some examples, so you get an idea of what it was like:
He would threaten me that if I do not obey him, he will leave home and not look after him, he would say something like : ”tomorrow you are not going to work, you look after your own baby” or “if you do not this, I will leave him to cry till his eyes pop out”, he force fed him and made him violently sick, or he would block my way to the room where the baby was crying when I returned from work etc, etc. He also made every effort to isolate me from all my friends, and even from family who lives in Russia.
At this time it was too much for me and I realised something has gone terribly wrong.
I had started researching about abuse and have concluded that I am a victim of domestic violence (verbal abuse).
At that point I was not able to leave my husband (I had no place to go, no money to pay for childcare and I did not drive), but I have decided that I will do it as soon as I can. So I got a drivers licence, started making some savings (though very little still) and developed a network of friends in the area where I live.
Now the things have improved to some extend, my husband is working again since April 2006, the child is attending a nursery, and I am able to see the situation more clearly and ready to take action. His abusive behaviour continues on a daily basis with constant criticism, swearing and being angry. He is not letting me to invite anyone to our house. Not letting me drive anywhere apart from work and nursery (the car is on his name). He never lets me go out by myself, as “he is not my baby-sitter”.

All I want at this point is to have a peaceful life as far away from him as possible.
I just want to be able to leave, either stay with friends or rent my own place, and no longer have anything to do with him. Shall it be divorce or just separation, it does not really matter to me, as long as I can be away.
I am even ready to sacrifice my financial well being, just to have my freedom and tranquillity back.

He does not want me to leave and is using any means from threats to burn the house to begging me and promising to change, in order to convince me not to go. I am not sure what to expect from him if I start the divorce proceedings, as he is likely to make it as difficult as it can possibly be.

I have been researching all about divorce and have asked for advice, but still I could not come up with any conclusion on what’s the best way to get out of this situation.
Here are the main points/questions that I need to work out:

1) house
we have invested £10000 (me) and £30000 (Harry) . We have also invested around £10000 on complete renovation, so now the equity is around 55000.
Outstanding mortgage is around 116000. Our current fixed mortgage agreement will expire on January 5th 2007, and I think it will be the time to make some changes, either re-mortgage or sell.

We have been discussing the possible separation in the past few days, and my husband is willing to give me back my initial investment of £10000, and then a share of a profit when we sell the house. What do you think of this?

The Читать далее...

This has been a really busy week, more interesting and more fulfilling. This is not related to the review, rather just a coincidence, but I am glad that I am feeling happier. Looks like I will not have a chance to go ahead with the job search until December (this is when I’ll have my un-paid week off), so for now it’s better if I enjoy what I do every day.
The highlight was meeting at Mandarin Oriental London.
It really was a memorable day. I do love the luxury of hotels, and this property has true magic and style. We travelled to London together with Heidi and Sharon, and arrived almost on time despite the madness in the tube and train delays. The meeting room this time was amazing. Gorgeous private room with tall ceilings, cream marble walls, light green curtains, big windows with the view to Kensington garden, wall size mirrors and elegant chandeliers on the walls and on the ceiling. It was full of natural light, softened up by the light of the chandeliers and everything was beautifully set-up. My role was more of just observing and understanding what is going on. Though this is my client and I speak to her more that anyone else in the company, this time Sharon was training and Heidi directing, and me – just listening. Heidi has been annoyingly pushy and bossy, but I am used to her by now, so never mind. The meeting was very interesting, and I learned a lot just by observing.
Then we had an absolutely delicious lunch at the “Park” restaurant, it has oriental theme and offers all sorts of Asian delicacies. I loved the food, it was just exquisite.
Especially the sashimi! Yummy!
Since we started later than planned, we could not finish before 5. Heidi kindly agreed to get a cab, and it only took 10 minutes to get to Paddington. And then we caught a fast train, and I was back in time to get Yuri, so he only had to spend 20 extra minutes in the nursery.
So all worked really well. Interesting day, with interesting work that followed as a result of this meeting.

Just another opportunity to get proof that I can not rely on Harry for anything. His bad attitude regarding helping out with Yuri is another important thing to remember!
The good thing was that I managed to find a solution with the nursery and still do what I needed to do work wise.

Sometimes I forget why I started this diary.
My main goal was to remember why I want to leave and to stay focused. It’s very boring to write about our arguments, but it’s my duty to do it… If I don’t, my memory will betray me and after a few years I will start questioning myself: why did I leave? We’ve had everything! I might even try to convince myself that I had been happy, but just did not realise it. But NO, we do not have everything, we are in fact lacking the most important thing that should be in every home. And if I do not go, I’ll never find the true happiness that I know does exist.
The fact that I am now writing about other things means that not only my life has improved and I am able to enjoy it much more than before, but also that I am giving myself a chance to capture the moment… who knows what will happen with these records and who will ever read it. This does not matter, I am writing it for myself only. And being honest with yourself is a very important step towards finding happiness.

This weekend Harry has been driving up the wall, as usual.
I am dreading days that I have to spend with him, it’s like the worst punishment!
Can’t remember all the details now, but we had long arguments on Saturday. I did what he wanted and I spent the whole morning cleaning the house, making up for the weekend before. When Yuri went to sleep and was able to go swimming.
Unlike Harry, I usually do not complain about minor little things, and only “make a point” when something is truly important to me…This time I came back from the swimming pool, just to find out that Harry is outside in the garden, and Yuri is inside awake and crying… He seemed to have cried for a very long time, and took a while to calm down when he was finally in my arms. Moreover all the doors and windows in the house were closed, so there was absolutely no chance for Harry to hear Yuri from the outside. Even with my sensitive ears I could only hear Yuri when I was already inside the living room.
I can’t explain how much it hurts me, when my child is left to cry unattended… There was no urgency for Harry to be in the garden, he was doing some minor things (picking up leaves). Moreover, he asked me to stop by a shop on my way back to buy food… if I did not do this, I would have been home 20 minutes earlier, and would have been there when Yuri woke up… When I started questioning Harry, he has gone mad. Instead of admitting that he has done something wrong, he started pouring insults on me and saying that I am a lot worse than him and do not look after Yuri properly myself. So I asked: does this give you the right to leave him along at home crying?.. He got even crazier, it was impossible to reason with him. He then started saying: “last week you left Yuri to cry for who knows how long when you went to the ball!”. It was rubbish, Yuri was asleep when I left, and he did not cry at all that entire day. I started getting upset, and I raised my voice to say that he is telling lies, he was not even there, but he imagined it and is accusing me of something that is not true!
He screamed in return and it started getting totally out of hand. I stopped responding to him and talking to him. Later he turned it around and claimed that I started screaming and insulting him as soon as I returned home. The more he repeated his version, the more he believed it, and the more convinced he sounded. As now I understand that this is a typical behaviour for abusive man, I at least can explain what is going on.
Then he started demanding an apology from me for “attacking, insulting and abusing him!” The man is totally mad…Somehow we managed to reconcile, though I had to just pretend… it was all acting!

Saturday was “his day”, but he felt it was too cold to go out in the afternoon…he suggested to stay indoors. It was sunny and warm (though a little breezy), but he said: “it’s cold and rainy, so I am not going out”. I know how much Yuri loves to be outdoors, so after some discussions with Harry I finally took Yuri to the playground. Harry was not very happy and said that I am “stealing his time with his son!”.
We spent about 1 hour outside with Yuri, and when we were on the way back he started calling me obsessively and demanding an explanation why we spend such a long time at the playground.

On Sunday we went to the birthday party for twins Jacob and Chloe. It was such a nice afternoon! Kids were all happy, and the party was so well organized. Rooms were decorated with balloons and happy birthday posters. The whole atmosphere was very warm and exciting. We played some games, and then all children sat around the big table and had some food, and of course the birthday cake! After that everyone was playing and having a good time. Yuri was really happy towards the end of it, he was laughing and really enjoying himself.
When we got home Harry was waiting for us with an angry face.. he grabbed me and drugged into the bathroom, he demanded I stay there and listen to him. He lectured me how horrible I am to keep the shampoo bottles and all my beauty products on the bath. He claimed it accumulates dust and moisture, and that if from now on I do not keep it in the cupboard, he will through this away. He left just one shampoo and one shower gel (the ones that he uses of course), and the rest had to be put away.
I was in too good of a mood to pay attention to him, so I simply said OK.

It did not really upset me as such, but all this together with constant nagging and negative comments and criticism is finally getting too much for me.
I am constantly thinking about the new plan.. I no longer understand how I agreed to live by his restrictions, and how now I keep being in his control, though I know that it’s wrong. Everything that I am worried about if I leave is not the end of the world…
I am getting closer and closer to getting enough strength to just do it. Enough dreaming!

Правила:
1. Оставляем комментарий к этой записи - получаем от меня букву.
2. Пишем 10 слов, с нее начинающихся, так или иначе связанных с собственной жизнью или мироощущением - у себя в журнале вместе с этой инструкцией.


Это очень увлекательная игра. Сначала мне вообще ничего в голову не пришло на букву А. Хотелось чего-то радостного, а слова находились наоборот какие-то грустные: аттака, агония, агрессия, алкоголь, аборты, анархия, апатия, и все в этом роде.. Или какие-нибуть бесполезные, типа абракадабры или абсурда. Зато на добрые темы с радостью заполонили мысли слова какие-то одни сплошные иностранные: французские, италянские, английские (amour, amitie, aiuto, admiration, adorer), но я не сдалась и не предалась искушению предать наш великий и могучий русский язык.. Поиск слов продолжался и конечно-же увенчался некоторым успехом. Надо сказать что этот процесс оказался очень стимулирующим и захватываюшим. Все-таки это тоже своего рода творчество, а я его очень люблю!


Англия - это страна, которая стала моим домом. Я уже много лет живу за границей, но так долго на одном месте я задержалась в первый раз.
Даже не верится, что скоро будет 5 лет со дня моего прибытия на славную английскую землю. Хоть я далеко и не анлгичанка, чужой я себя здесь совсем не чувствую, наверное потому что в этой стране очень уважительно относятся к другим расам, национальностям и религиям. Мне вообще все тут нравится (кроме безумной дороговизны жилья, транспорта и осовбенно детских садов). Я очень люблю "свою деревню" Твайфорд, с её ухоженными палисадниками, очаровательными домишками и доброжелательными обитателями. Живу я тут очень скромно, как все простые труженники - от зарплаты до зарплаты, но меня это устраивает.
И главное в этой стране родился мой сын - Юрик. Для него это уже совсем настоящая родина. И даже свои первые слова он предпочитает говорит по-английски.

Ангел-хранитель - хоть я и не могу назвать себя верующим человеком, я знаю что у меня есть ангел хранитель.
Об этом мне как-то давно сказал хиромант в длинном подземном корридоре на пушкинской, но я и сама бы об этом догадалась, ведь сколько раз в жизни бывали опасные ситуации, но я всегда выходила из них целой и невредимой. Иногда он появляется в людском обличье, например во время беременности это была моя начальница филиппа, она всячески меня оберегала, и делала мне собственноручно чай из малиновых листьев. В результате роды у меня были быстрые и легкие. Иногда он просто конкретно спасает мне жизнь, ведь в той аварии с хари, когда машина слетела с автострады в поле на скорости 110 км в час и несколко раз перевернулась, я отделалась лишь легкой царапиной.

Амбиции - я человек у которого совершенно отсутствуют амбиции. Мне совсем не хочется чтобы в жизни было всего больше и лучше.. мне не нужно повышение по службе, более просторной квартиры или новой машины, мне нужен просто мир и покой...Мне так мало нужно для счастья: чтобы все родные были здоровы, чтобы было достаточно денег на все нужды и чтобы их хватало на разные приятные мелочи и подарки друзьям, и чтобы была возможность быть рядом с любимыми людьми...

Аккуратность - Аккуратность это черта, которая во мне присутствует в очень ограниченном количестве.. Я, конечно, люблю порядок (иногда), но быть заковaнной в рамки правил заставляет бунтоваться мою свободолюбивую натуру.. Иногда мне просто необходимо создать вокруг сабя беспорядок, только ради того чтобы потом снова все расставить на свои места и получить огромное удовольствие как от процесса так и от результата.. а аккуратность подразумевает постоянное поддерживаниые порядка. Наверное если постараться, то я смогу быть аккуратной, но мне почему-то совсем не хочется.

Арбуз - это мой самый любимый фрукт, в моих глазах он может соперничать толко с манго! Есть арбузы я могу в неограниченных количествах, но почему-то только в России.. За границей они какие-то не такие, и поэтому я никогда их не покупаю.
Редкость возможностей насладится этим фруктом только разжигает мою любовь!


Атмосфера - речь идет не о научном понятии атмосферы, а об образе...
Это моя подруга Вивиана в грязном, сером и пыльном городе Гуанжоу говорила: "здесь отсутствует атмосфера"... под этим она подразумевала то замечательное чувство, которое испытываешь когда тебя окружает красота и гармония... Это может ощутиться в кафэ на какой-нибудь старинной улочке, или когда любуешься очаровательным пейзажем где-нибудь вдали от суеты большого города, или даже просто в уютной гостинной, теплой и загадочной в мерцании свечей...
Я тогда не совсем понимала её, и только до конца осознала её слова уже после переезда в Европу. Теперь я часто ловлю себя на мысли: "вот же она - атмосфера!"… Особенно здесь, а Англии, например пабе в деревенке Варграйв, с его видом на речку с живописнейшими берегами, утятатами копошащимися среди изящных лебедей, и веселыми корабликами пропывающими мимо...
И когда я чувствую атмосферу, то всегда вспоминаю мою дорогую подругу, открывшую мне Читать далее...

There is so much that I want to write about!! But I have got no time for it!
Today I even had to cut down on my lunch time, as I got a client call, which lasted half an hour, and then I had another call right after it…
Work has been busy this week. Just as well! I realised that I am lucky that I actually have a job after that disastrous interview on Monday.
I felt quite inadequate, and it took me some time to recover from that experience. I knew it all the way, this position was too difficult for me, but they called me up and so I went… I was curious! Curiosity kills the cat, as they say. Anyways, at least I am enjoying my work again this week, and even thinking that may be I should give it another chance, at least for now.
Apart from this, lots and lots have been happening from Friday onwards.. On my way to Shelly's I realised that I lost my phone.. It actually fell inside the car, but I did not find it when I looked for it… So poor Shelly had to drive me back to the nursery car park to look for it, and of course it was not there. Then we went to her place, and had a nice dinner there. I was distressed, and I think it was not as fun I we were hoping to be.. Plus Yuri was holding me by his side, so we were not able to talk with Shelly who was at the other end of her specious kitchen.. Still it was very nice, and at the end we were being silly, running around and laughing!
I called Harry to say that I lost my phone, he thought that I made it up… He kept calling me obsessively, but of course I did not know about it.
When I got home (around 20:30), he was sitting on the sofa with an angry face. He said: I am angry and hungry, go cook for me! He came home at 19:00, and instead of fixing a quick dinner for himself, he decided he'd better be angry at me for not cooking for him!
I did not have energy to argue, it was easier to cook for him, as I knew he would not leave me alone. He was absolutely terrible and rude… why is he making himself so miserable? I will never understand.
At the end I went to bed.. He thought I was drunk, but I was not, I was just tired… But in his head he made a note that later would allow him to re-write history (another common trick for abusive man). When I got home from the ball, after a night with almost no sleep, he told me: "you come home drunk on Friday night, and then return with a hangover (another lie) - what the hell is going on?!"

Anyways, he was so unpleasantly pushy on Saturday morning (insisting that I clean the apartment), so I packed my bags and left.
I stopped at Reading on the way, and got my hair drier and hair colour (which I never got a change to use yet). We got to Blackwater ok, it took about 20 minutes from Reading, but we spent another 20 minutes waiting for Camay. We were lucky then and got a bus quickly! She has a lovely house… We had some dim sum for lunch and chatted happily.
Then I put Yuri to bed around 14:00 and started getting ready.. Timing was perfect. I arrived in old jeans, no make up and dirty hair. When I came out of the bathroom, with styled hair, make-up in my shiny evening dress, little Ben was quite impressed! "you look nice he said".. I can't explain how much this compliment from an 11 year old boy meant to me!
I got a cab to the train station.. I though I would be super excited.. But instead I could hardly hold my tears. Guilt for leaving Yuri, so I can go to this ball, was overwhelming me. I realised that often I picture things to happen, and I think I know how I would feel, but when it actually happens, I feel something totally different.
I arrived to Maidenhead station, and Ben drove in him father's Mercedes, he looked really smart.. I felt like we are in a play or a movie! We were early and had a drink in the bar before everyone arrived. Ben treated me like a proper gentleman, it was so nice! May be we looked like a couple, me and my shy modest colleague, who is much younger and has never had a girlfriend in his life…
The evening was excellent. I have called up Camay after the Champaign, and she told me how well all is going, and that Yuri is having a great time…Finally I relaxed and started enjoying every minute of that special event. Dinner was very nice, and we were laughing, joking and having fun! We shared raffle tickets with Ben, but we did not win anything..
Entertainment was great too, and then the dancing of course. I loved it… It was funny to see all the men dressed exact same way.. It all seemed surreal. Though I've done this 1 year ago, I still think it's amazing that I am in a position to attend this kind of events.. They are for posh and super rich…not for plain Russian girls.. But I've made my contribution for charity too, at the end of the day that what it was about.
Ben drove me back to Camay's place.. It must have been close to 3 when I went to bed. I shared bed with Yuri, and did not get much sleep that night, as he woke up at 7 and wanted to play.
Camay was so sweet and took such good care of us.. I Читать далее...

I have almost reached a breaking point last night.
I am getting so close to the state where I will no longer be afraid to leave everything behind.
Harry was angry for no reason. Yuri was having a bath and we've been having a wonderful time, he was laughing his head off (we rarely have such magic moments).
Then Harry stormed in, he was annoyed that we were laughing and splashing the water around (he is so paranoid about water spoiling things in the bathroom).
He told Yuri to come out, but he wanted to keep on playing. Then Harry grabbed him violently by one arm and lifted him in the air. I thought he would hurt his this way, Yuri was in shock, and screamed out "papa!", which clearly meant to say: "what are you doing to me, papa?!!!" He was very upset after that… and then Harry has continued upsetting him, when he forcefully took him away from me when he was still feeding, and put him to bed. Yuri was crying, and I had to calm him down.
I was so ready to run away last night! My mind was racing, trying out all possible solutions… I have calmed down this morning, I told Harry to apologise and I told him that this is the very last time I am tolerating his abusive behaviour towards Yuri. He did apologise. I am determined to protect my son!

Yesterday I had my yearly review. It was over 2 month late, and I was very curious of what will come out of it.
I am the first one to admit that I have lost my motivation lately and often feel bored. I guess It has always been like this, but before I kept telling myself that I have to stay positive, especially because this job was vital for me to stay in the UK. Now the pressure is gone, I no longer depend on the employer… I still do my job well, and some days really like it, but often I do find it not challenging enough, and certainly I am not making any extra efforts, just doing enough.
The review was not very positive, but I thought some of the things they picked on were not really representative, like they would take one example when I was a little bit harsh with the client, and made a conclusion that I am aggressive. This is totally unnecessary, I though.. the same as the example with underlining words in e-mails. I think it makes things clearer, but they have a different opinion. Never mind, I still think communication is my strongest point. If they took these 2 examples to complain about my communication, it made me feel like they are not seeing the big picture, but just finding something to pick on.
They complained about lack of initiative this year… I think this is a mutual problem, if I did not see any opportunities, it must mean that may be opportunities for creativity have indeed decreased?
Heidi is planning to give me something interesting to work on – we’ll see.
I am pretty sure I will not work here for much longer, very maximum 6 months – 1 year (but this really is the worst case).
I’ll give it my best try anyways. With such minimal salary increase (below inflation) I am very motivated to find something better paid.
I’ll start making some plans next week, after speaking to city inn. I want to take some time off – we’ll see!

Today is Harry’s birthday. This morning I woke up and rushed to wish him “happy birthday”. The minute I walked into the kitchen, and even before I had a chance to open my mouth, he started screaming at me how dirty the kitchen is, how bad I am at tidying up, how he is fed up with cleaning the mess every morning, etc, etc. I came to him, and said “happy birthday”, but he pushed me away and said “I do not care about this, I care that the kitchen is dirty” . I did not say anything further. I felt sorry for him.

This week has been record breaking in regards to the number of things that I’ve been able to do without Harry knowing. It’s like a game for me now, making sure he is not aware of what is important to me, so he can not have any influence on it and therefore can not spoil it neither with his criticism nor with his restrictions.
Yuri had an injection on Tuesday, I had left work an hour earlier, and we were home by 17:00. I have invited Marianne and Freya for a cup of tea, and they arrived at the same time as me. We had a very good time together, almost 2 hours! Children were playing together and we had a chance to chat. Marianne is going through a difficult time too. Her husband has had some bad anger attacks as well. They are now doing marriage counselling… she finds it hard to talk about this, but I had it much worse, so we could discuss it. I gave her my books… I hope it’s not another case of abuse; at least she’ll be able to find out.
Harry never knew about her coming over, I cleaned everything up when they left, and he never guessed!
On Wednesday night my colleagues got together for a drink in a pub. I picked up Yuri and also went to the pub. I drove there, and even parked OK! It was a nice evening, the only unpleasant bit was when Yuri got scared of Heidi’s dog, and screamed out so loudly, it took a few minutes to calm him down, but he was absolutely fine afterwards. We got home just before 7pm, and again Harry never found out.

I did not feel like talking to him. He’s been really unpleasant lately. Constantly trying to provoke a fight. (example: H: what date is it today? A: 11th H: so tomorrow’s my birthday, are you going to fight with me again? A: no answer….). I think he is feeling that I am hiding something from him, but as he can not prove it, he is just taking out his frustration on me. As I do not care, and do not get affected by him, I quickly forget most of the things that he says, but still I feel more and more that I want to avoid him as much as possible, and this drives him crazy.

We will have a meeting with a client in London in 2 weeks time. It will last all day, and I may not be able to come back in time to pick up Yuri from the nursery. It's the very first time this happens. I asked Harry if he could leave work earlier that day and pick up Yuri. He was very aggressive in his answer, started attacking me by saying that I do not understand how hard it is for him to run every day to catch his train, that on Mondays he already has to run to come earlier so I can go swimming. He really was angry about this request and said that he can not promise anything.
I said to him, ok, I understand… I realised once again that the man who is my husband would not lift his finger to do anything extra for me. He took sick days off twice in the last 2 weeks, just because he was tired from working in the garden and did not feel like going to work. But when it has to be for me, all of a sudden his work has become so important, that he could not possibly leave the office a little earlier.
He needs me, cause he can rely on me. But it only works one way. Why do I need this man?

The rain absolutely horrendous, like in a horror movie. I could hardly see anything while driving the car, the water was splashing everywhere around me - it was quite something. By the time we walked home from the car, both Yuri and me were quite soaked.
Harry took a day off that day. He was home when we came in. He asked me if I still wanted to go swimming, I said "yes, of course". But he asked me not to go because of the rain. I said, the rain might stop by the time I go, but he kept begging me, so I agreed not to go. It was around 18:00. We played with Yuri a bit and then cooked dinner together. We ate, and as I was relaxing on the sofa with a cup of tea, Harry asked me: "would you like to go swimming now? It's still early, the rain has stopped and I could drop you at the pool and then go grocery shopping in Tescos". I said: "I've just eaten - I can not swim now!". But he kept insisting. I suggested that he goes shopping by himself. He said he can't just to that, as he would feel that his trip to the shop would not be worth while.. At the end I agreed. Mainly because we did not have any food in the fridge, and if I did not go with him, he would not do the shopping.
I was feeling very full, and forced myself to go into the water. After about 10 minutes of very slow swimming, I started having pains in my stomach and cramps. I had to stop and wait until it goes away. I usually love swimming so much, but this time I did not enjoy it at all - it was painful. I felt violated! Why am I still so weak that sometimes I let him force me doing things that I know are not good for me? And the funny thing is, he is convinced that he has done me a favour yesterday by taking me swimming!
Anyways, we got home just around 9. Yuri was very tired. Harry again forced me to tidy up the kitchen, he kept on and on about it, so I gave in… I am so tired of him.

So much has been going on lately, I am struggling to keep up with my records.
Life has been so exciting, many little things are happening every day, and I fill very energized and happy. Nothing to do with Harry, of course, he is not part of all the exciting bits of my life, he is just some burden that I still have to carry, but which is no longer heavy enough to stop me from leading a life full of joy.
Last Friday I went to meet Kim from Profile. It was very informal, and we spent a very enjoyable hour talking about .. me (mainly), though she did share a few things about herself too. She was pretty much impressed with my life story, experience and languages. The conclusion was that my expectations (both regarding position and salary) are realistic, but vacancies in my field come up very rarely, so I need to be patient. I was happy with the result overall, now the process has started. I was also very pleased that both references were so positive, from Jen and Mme. Nickel. Need to thank them both!!!
Shelly cancelled our meeting in the pub, so I spent this extra free hour trying on dresses for the ball – it was great fun! When I went to pick up Yuri in the nursery I have discovered another bit of news – he’s got a little girlfriend! I lovely dark skinned girl called Somaya – he was chasing her, giving her hugs and kisses, and imitating everything she did. He did not want to go home until her mother came in, and picked her up. He looked so in love! It was very touching to watch the two of them playing and laughing together.
Harry never found out that I went to London – I am getting better in keeping secrets!
He was busy with the garden both Saturday and Sunday, so I did not see much of him. The only time-wasting conversation that we had was about next Saturday. He finally agreed to look after Yuri when I go to the ball, but he had to bring out all his frustrations and demand promises that I will be extra-nice to him. When we he ever understand that the only times when I am not nice to him is when he provokes it? I never start it! But he is just not getting it!
Saturday I had a really good day, we went to get some food with Yuri and then met up with Sophie, Niko and little Lucas. We went for a little walk, and then Stef came to pick us up and we all went to their place. We had a very happy day, very much all about our little ones, but it was good fun, very warm and relaxing. Food was great too, and at the end Louis and Yuri got to blow candles – they surely loved it. Yuri was so excited about the railway (with Tomas the steam train by the way), he did not want to sleep until we got home late that afternoon.
On Sunday we left around 10 in the morning and headed straight to the play ground in Kensington garden. We were so lucky with the weather, it was exactly like that day a year ago when we met up all together with my mother. Sunny, warm, little breezy… Andrei, Clair and the girls were a little delayed, but we did not waste any time, and Yuri started going down the slide, and then he discovered the jumping and we had great fun going it together. The playground was so busy! Kids and parents from all over the world, could hardly hear any English there! When they arrived, we’ve played for a little bit, and then we had a nice picnic around a table in the coffee shop outside. And then we carried on playing with the children for another couple of hours. It was very nice! We did not talk that much, it’s difficult when children require your attention, but it was pleasant to see each other, exchange some news, and to be able to spend time together.
Yuri was super happy and that’s what counts the most for me!
Before catching the train, I met up with Valerie for a coffee in Paddington, it was so good to see her!
We had nice family dinners on both Saturday and Sunday, and Yuri was playing happily and making us laugh, as he always does in the evenings.
This morning I got a call from City inn, they asked me to come for an interview. My head was spinning all morning, I get overly excited when I start dreaming and trying to solve all my life problems immediately. I need to relax and calm down. Whatever happens is for the best. I believe that I deserve something really good!
This week will be busy, swimming tonight, meeting Marianne tomorrow, drinks for Sharon’s birthday on Wednesday! Wow! And of course the highlight of the year – the ball in Hilton Park Lane on Saturday. I am so looking forward to it!

I am feeling good these days! Last weeks “handra” is over – finally! Weekend was fantastic, with Jamboray on Saturday and a trip to see Thomas the steam train on Sunday. Both days Yuri was super happy, and I really enjoyed the activities, especially on Sunday. The whole trip was like a little adventure, even the heavy rain brought something special into the whole experience! I love this kind of things, going away, having a cup of tea in an old restaurant carriage, riding an old steam train with a funny “face”, it was all very nice!
Harry was busy working in the garden, so we did not see each other much. He was very annoying on Saturday morning (pushing me to start cleaning the house), but apart from that there was not any disturbance from him. I also went swimming on Saturday while Yuri was sleeping.
So I was very re-energized after the weekend. I was also very happy with my new place in the office. I am now sitting by the window again, and have a bit of privacy back!
We have had some visitors yesterday, and also a new sales person who started yesterday. So that was quite exciting.
I’ve been a little more busy, and happier with the job too (still not 100%, but better than last week).
There is plenty of sweets on the “sweets cupboard” again. I am not able to resist the temptation again. Bad! Bad! Bad!
I have managed to get rid of those extra 2 kilos that I gained during my trip to Moscow and the week after that. Still I have about 3 more that I need to loose, and this is not going to be that easy.
I went swimming again last nigh, it was great. If I carry on like this (swimming twice a week), this will be a great help. I also made myself some vegetable soup and had it for dinner last night and lunch today.
I will continue cooking soups from now on, and that should hopefully play some role in my weight loss program.

This week went pretty fast, still very bo-o-oring at work. Mentally I am so ready for a change, I just feel I am not challenged at all, and struggling to find enough things to do to keep me busy. Only one interesting project in the entire week – testing the BAR template, that was the only moment I flet that I am doing something useful. Glad it’s Friday!
Most of the week was peaceful. Swimming on Monday night – and I drove back home (was not perfect, but this will come back with more practice. Harry did not miss his chance to criticize, but it was justified). Tuesday had a chance to read, and I had my relaxation (bath, masks) on Wednesday. Thursday night an unpleased surprise came. We had another night of fighting. Harry exploded and made a huge drama because I had made plans on both days over the weekend. He was totally enraged, and kept on and on insulting, complaining and accusing me of “stealing his time with his child”, “being incredibly selfish” and “not doing anything for Yuri “ who cares that all the activities that I organised revolve around him – children activity centre, Thomas the steam train, birthday party). According to Harry I am doing it all for myself. Once again I could see how his way of thinking is absolutely from a different planet. I do not know anyone who would see things the same light as him. He thinks he has the right to have one day with Yuri and me along. This is OK as such, but if I want to do anything with other people to him this is a horrible invasion to his possession. And he is not willing to have any flexibility at all. Now his new thing is not to spend time with any of my friends ever. Why the hell does he want to be in this marriage?
Again, he refused to spend any time along with Yuri, cause he thinks this is not normal, and according to him both parents have to be together. Anyways, I was calm somehow, a little voice in my head kept telling me “this is a sick person speaking, do not take any notice.” So probably missed about half of his swearing and accusations just by blocking it out. I fought to keep my arrangements for both weekends and I won! I am not cancelling anything. I lost one evening, but I will have 2 great weekends with the people that I like. I also spoke to Yvette last night, was really happy to finally catch up with her.
Last night I had a funny dream, as if I lived in a shared place with some girls, and they divorced me on my behalf by cancelling our marriage after 3 months of it starting (in my dream that was the law). They thought Harry was so bad to me, athey could not see me suffering. So when I realised that I am actually already divorced, I was on top of the world! But then I woke up back to the reality.

I am totally day dreaming today: imagining how I will get a better paid job and just leave.. and all will be over and I will have this wonderful new life where nobody would want to make it difficult for me. I am overwhelmed by this feeling in my stomach, mixture of excitement and fear. This feeling is so new and yet so familiar, all the great adventures in my life have started with it. I’ve made an appointment with the agency, even if this does not work, at least I have started the process. I have to be very clever and not let Harry guess what’s going on. I should not tell anyone, though of course I am tempted.
He’s been nasty again and upset me on Saturday night. He would not let me watch the movie that I borrowed from Alex, he kept interrupting me, so I had to start 5-6 times. At the end, I threw the remote and said that I do not need to watch it, I’ll survive without it. Then he apologised and spent 30 minutes convincing me that I should watch it, but still only until his football starts. He was then convinced that I was hysterical for no reason, he completely forgot how he provoked it…
It’s extremely annoying that I can not do something so simple in my own home. We’ve got this super TV, and how many movies have I watched on it? One! He one we rented to test this very TV the day after he bought it! And now I have seen one more – what an achievement and at what price?
Also Harry bought me flowers, only so now he can say – see I am buying you flowers, and you do not appreciate it, you ungrateful bitch! That’s how he sees me, and that’s now what he is sharing with our neighbour Winston. How funny, he found an ally. Good for him, he can be happy that he found a way to revenge! I wonder how well he is able to bring up the very worst of me? I’ve never been so bad to anyone, and never wanted to be bad. But with him, I do not want to love him, and this is as simple as that. I think that devils have come back, but I do not care. Why do I have to make efforts all the time?
Anyways weekend was quite good. We went swimming with Sofie and kids, it was great. And we went for walks with Yuri. I had nothing in my hands, I just put my keys in the pocket. We were walking on the street, holding hands, the sky was blue and sun shining so bright. I felt so free, and so happy. Everyone was looking at us on the street and saying hello. I kept smiling, these are the very moments worth living your life for!