I am feeling like a wreck. No energy, heavy head, itchy throat, cough and low spirits – all kind of hopeless. I am trapped in this little life and not finding the strength to change it. Not as if things were that bad, but I am just feeling down.
Yuri’s horrible tantrums are not helping, as this week every morning starts with hell. I have to force-dress him, while he is fighting me, and then drag him out of the house – angry screaming little creature, and carry him to the car while he is doing his best to break away from me. He cries all the way in the car, and all the way until I hand him in…As I am constantly worried to be late and not get a parking space I can afford the luxury to spend time at home trying to calm him down, I just have to get going..
At work things have been a bit busier, and I do get distracted, but still it’s a suffocating environment. Since Harry is back, I am constantly under his pressure at home. Every time he opens his mouth some negative rubbish is coming out, he making me sick.
I try to do what I can to feel better, but I am loosing the battle. Fighting for every little thing has left me no energy to carry on…
It was good to have 4 evenings to myself last week, I was very happy then. After first few evenings which were busy with telephone conversations, Friday night I spend quietly by myself, did not feel like calling anyone, so just lied down on the sofa and watched the 2nd Bridget Jones movie, it was rubbish, but sweet and a little funny, so I am not complaining. Saturday was also a good day, apart from that terrifying incident when I lost balance when getting off the train, and fell down, while the pushchair with Yuri also fell on the platform face down. When I got on my feet, I was expecting Yuri’s face smashed and covered with blood, but surprisingly he was not hurt at all – those safety straps actually do the job! Still he was scared and kept crying, and I was shaking both inside and outside… But then Yuri calmed down, and I did to, and we had a very pleasant time in Greenwich with Andrei, Clair, Tamara and the girls. Had way too much food in the Chinese restaurant, but never mind. Yuri behaved so well, I was pleased. The weather was perfect, and kids went crazy on the playground. The rest of the afternoon at home was just as good, girls were so kind to Yuri and shared all their toys. I could have just stayed on and kept singing all the Russian karaoke songs, but we had to go – it takes 2 hours to get home, plus Harry started calling like mad every 10 minutes. And of course it all went downhill since he is back. It’s just very draining to have him around me, he is like an energy vampire…
I want to quit my job and run away one I get my papers processed. Just really worried about Yuri. He won’t be able to go to the nursery then, how would this affect him?
But on the other hand how would it affect him if his mom loses her mind?
I burst into tears on Sunday, we were talking about Maureen, and how she got the job in our company. I told Harry that I can’t progress in my life, because instead of getting support from him I am only getting obstacles… I cried and cried. And Yuri was very surprised and kept saying : “mummy ey- ing, mummy ey- ing ”. Harry then started saying that he will change and it will no longer be this way, but I know I can’t trust it – and already since then on many examples he’s been so the opposite of supporting.
Stupid little things, but they do build up. Like on Sunday, he would not let me go to the shop while Yuri was asleep, and he said he’ll do the shopping instead. He ended up going too late and the shop was closed (and he knew the shop closing times perfectly well), then he drove to Tesco in Reading (which he knew was closed too), and then he bought the food in Sainsbury’s. And when he got back, he started blaming me by saying “look what I had to do because of you!”… and I did not even ask him to go, but he just needs a scapegoat, which is always me!
And then all his screaming and accusing me of making Yuri a TV- addict, just because he watches his favourite movies for 30 minutes a day. He screamed and screamed and threatened to through away the VCR.
And last night with the stupid cup of tea…. I am really tired of all this.

One good night of sleep is making wonders. Feeling so much better today – my energy is back! We spent almost 2 hours on the phone with Fred last night, I am so happy that our friendship has survived and despite Harry’s terrible opposition to it, and almost 2 years of not having much contact, it feels again as if all this has never happened. 2 hours was still not enough to tell each other everything, but it was still great.

Yesterday Philippa was watching me, and I could not finish my record. There is much that I want to note down.
A new plan is beginning to materialise in my head… it it just day-dreaming again, or will it finally work? I absolutely have to create a clear picture of what I want my future to be like. Until my thoughts are clearly defined, it will not be possible to have them materialise.
I go back in my memory to the conversation we had with Yulia at the airport. She told me she never knew and still does not know what she wants. She said she’s always done what others have told her to do. Though she has a very comfortable life with a wealthy husband, great 2 kids, and no need to work, she is not sure if this is what she wanted, and she does not really want anything else.
With me I always had very clear wants, and if I want something very badly, I usually manage to get it. Even Harry noticed it (with the things that I do not want as well! ) And now I want so many things!
Actually it would be great to go back to my list of 50 things to do in life, I am sure some of them can already be crossed out. In any case I should do a new list some time, as it will help me to make things more clear in my head.

So what do I want? Separation from Harry and freedom is the first thing. I want to live by myself, just with Yuri! Last step towards this is getting British passport and gaining the freedom of movement in Europe. After that I could just run away. Though in the meantime I might file for divorce, I have not yet decided when is the best time to do it and also whether or not doing it will solve anything.
I want to change jobs, but again need to think it through. What do I truly love, and what can permit me to be passionate about what I do?
I want to move abroad somewhere, Dubai and South-East Asia are in my dreams… but not very precise yet.
I want to have a break from work actually, just take a break and have time for myself and for all the thinking that I need to do. I am dreaming of quitting my current life and just take a break somewhere by the sea, where I can relax and see things in prospective, and re-design my future.
I want to learn photography and dancing. Photography will be a reality soon, I am almost ready to book the course.
I want to work more on myself and feel confident about who I am and be an attractive women. My inferiority complex is still very strong, but I am making progress on finding my own style finally. Getting some new clothes last week was real pleasure. I just feel differently when I wear them. And I stopped feeling guilty about spending the money, which is amazing! In fact I feel like I want to treat myself to more things, but just do not have the time for it, cause Yuri is attached to me all the time.
But my love for him overcomes all the selfish desires. I just can’t believe how my feeling for him do not wear off, and on the contrary grow stronger and stronger. His face is so adorable, and his little voice which is now pronouncing so many words – I can’t stop admiring him and just melt from tenderness when he comes and gives me a hug. So year, if there are certain things that I can’t do just because I have to look after him, it’s OK.
I want to loose extra weight and get fit.
And I want to find true love one day.
I want every day of my life to be spent with people who I love deeply and I want to enjoy every activity, whether it’s my job or house work…
Sometimes I think that there is something wrong with me, and I need to fix it, but I do not know what it is and how to get rid of it.

I am so sleepy, that's the only thing that stops me to enjoy this second break from Harry to the very fullest. Can't believe that 2 days in a raw I've been woken up at 5 O'clock in the morning: by Harry yesterday, and by Yuri today - he wanted to get up and have some cereal and raisings! Luckily it has been busy, and speaking over the phone with clients has kept me awake.
Having lots of thoughts lately: all about the things that I wanted to note in the diary, but just running out of time to actually do it.
One of the most persistent thoughts is about quitting my job. But I am scared to be without any income.. And I am also doubting myself, as I have never in my life had a job that I loved. This is quite scary, as I am 35 already. What's wrong with me? May be it's not actually the jobs but me, my attitude and my mentality? I am searching for answers.
I did enjoy being an interpreter for Chinese tourists, that was definitely good fun. What I did not like is that I constantly felt my Chinese was not good enough (though it was much better than other peoples, but I guess I just do not want to lie to myself). I also had absolutely no training and no understanding about the job of the tour leader, and that again made me feel self-conscious.. But other than that that must have been my favourite.
Also loved trade fairs at the GITIC, but that was 2 weeks a year.
Hated Blackwood and Cyntergy, though loved the people and made good friends.
This one is a "reasonably good one", logically good, but passion is lacking.
Will I ever be able to find an environment where I would love it every day?

This Sunday, January 28th, has to be marked in history - it was the very first time I drove by myself relatively far from home. I went to see Camay in Yateley - it's a 30 minute drive. It was a beautiful sunny morning, and being in the car with Yuri and going away felt absolutely great. I was so confident, I finally reached this state when driving is no longer a stressful chore, but rather an enjoyable activity.
Having Tom-Tom gave this extra bit of confidence that took all worries away.
I could forget all the troubles, and all Harry's threats that he would not let me take the car. I felt free - it's finally happening!!!!

I reached there without any troubles, and we had a very relaxing time, with some simple but delicious Chinese lunch in between (Wonton soup and fried rice). I left a little earlier and dropped by to see Stef on the way back. I did not use Tom-tom, and at some point I took a wrong turn and got a little lost, but then I managed to stop and then find my way, and it only confirmed that I am capable of handling this kind of situations - I enjoyed my little adventure, driving round unknown places, passing picturesque little villages on the way.

My papers are now ready too, though I am a little hesitant to send the original documents, but I am taking a deep breath and going to do it… Freedom is nearer then ever!

It snowed early this morning, so when I woke up the view from the window was just marvellous - everything covered in soft thick whiteness.
Harry panicked, he thought it would take forever to clear the snow from the car. When Yuri woke up, I told him that there is snow and that we'll go play! He got excited too.
We left home about 10 minutes earlier than we usually do. Snow was very soft and fresh, and it came off the car windows so easily, so after a few minutes we were on our way.
We arrived to the nursery about 20 minutes before it opened. We were the only ones there, so it was a perfect opportunity to have some fun. We went to the little field and started building a snow man. We made a small cute one - and we were very happy and proud. And then another little girl arrived with her father, and she got so excited, she kept asking if we made the snow-man, and found it incredible that we could do it. So I told her: "let's make another one". So we started rolling, and together with her dad made another much bigger one with bushy eye brows made out of pine tree brunch. Yuri and little girl were so delighted. And after that we threw some snow balls!
It has been the best morning that I've had in such a long time. Little things like this make me so happy!

we've done the same thing couple of weeks later, and i managed to take a picture - here it is!

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I had such a good break from Harry last week, it was a true gift, with a bonus that he only got back on Saturday, which permitted me to invite Steph T home for a cup of tea (otherwise she would have never come, as she does not want to see Harry).
So on Saturday we then went to Stef's together, and as always it was lovely.
Harry has got many more points against him: withholding important information, using our common credit card for his business trip and not admitting it.. So I am not lacking facts for the divorce petition. I gave myself till the end of this month, though sometimes I wonder if I will ever do it. I am not suffering anymore, he is just annoying. We rented a movie on Sunday night and had a break from arguing. We decided to do this every week.
I am so relieved that he is working again..
I want to get my application out of the way, still missing this one stupid signature. Made an appointment with Dr. Crowley at the surgery, she seems very reserved about this - not sure if she will agree to sign, will give it a try. Will ask Deborah, if this does not work, but again she may refuse, as she does not know me long enough. I wonder who makes up such stupid rules.
I am indecisive again. Not sure whether or not to get a car, I suppose I should, just to get more self-confidence. It scares me that I will loose all my savings if I do it, so still hesitating.
I decided that my bonus will pay for the photography course, so just need to wait till it comes in, hopefully February or March.
Yuri has been great lately, building some amazing brick houses. I am impressed with his concentration and creativity. And he no longer wakes up at night, which is just wonderful.
I feel like I need a break from my life, real long break.. Something is not right. Obviously not loving my husband is already serious enough reason for feeling that, but there is more to it. Feeling that I am not realising my potential as a person, I can do more and feel more satisfaction from my life. I know it, but it's just not happening at the moment.
Weather is grey and rainy and office atmosphere suppresses me.
Yuri is my only delight, he guarantees laughs, smiles, hugs, kisses, lots of affection and joy, and certainly I know that my life has some meaning.

I felt so happy last night, it was over the top. Just being at home by myself seemed unreal.
Yuri watched his favourite cartoons, while I called up my parents and my sister. Then we had a snack and played with Yuri and he went to bed at a more reasonable time: PMD, so I had the whole evening for me!
I had a chat with Stef W and Steph A, and then Shelly called, and we had a long conversation about our holidays, news, etc. etc. we had a good laugh too! And she will be coming to see me today as well. Harry called sometime in the middle of all that, he started interrogating and as usual wanted to know every single detail of my day, but luckily I managed to get rid of him after 10 minutes or so.
I was super excited, and at the end of the day my mind was racing and I could not fall asleep for a long time (because I was feeling too happy, how crazy is that?). Sveta's CV is playing in my head now adding to excitement, and I am singing whenever nobody can hear me.
Right now I am feeling very tired, struggling to keep my eyes open. Hope nobody notices, I am a bit hidden in my current place in the office. Wish I did not need to work.

I realise how much I would love to live alone (with Yuri, of course). Can't believe that in almost 3 years I have never had a chance to enjoy this house without Harry's presence…

PS. I have sent out Steph T present at lunch time, and also ordered flowers and champagne for her. Hope all arrives on time tomorrow.

Harry has been absolutely outrageous this weekend (pushing me to leave earlier and come back early from Xav’s place) and yesterday when he made a drama about signing the form for Yuri (to agree for him to have British citizenship).
I had to scream at him on Sunday as I was so fed up (it helped and he apologised) and last night I told him that next times he behaves like this I will be filing for divorce.
Today I found that the application form that I had is out of date.. Bloody government, now I have to do it all over again, plus the references that I just arranged, I need to do from scratch as the form is totally different and I also need to get a photo now. And how am I supposed to get the referee that they require! I was so excited that all my papers are ready but now there will be another delay. And for Yuri we now need a completely separate form – bureaucracy! I hate it!!! The only good thing that I discovered that it will cost a little less to apply for both me and Yuri, so I will save about 150£, which is wonderful.
On the bright side – I am going to have a break from Harry starting tonight. He is in the USA for 3 days to attend am interview with his ex-employer – I am the luckiest person in the world!!! How ridiculous is to feel that the best gift ever is to have your husband go away! I am super-excited, 3 evenings without him is something I could not have even dreamt of, and when he told me last night, I could not hide my joy (thought I tried). He is flying business class, which a sure sign this company is going to offer him something, so this is looking positive.
Now focusing on my paperwork for naturalisation this week, and then will research buying a car. It’s clear that Harry won’t be cooperative (as expected) in letting me use the car, so I am ready, will take the necessary time for some research, and will get myself a little vehicle to freedom.
Then I will sign up for the photography course (if I will have some money left, of course. Good news yesterday that we are getting a bonus, so that will clearly pay for my course, I just have to wait another 2 months or so).
The future is looking bright, I know I can tolerate Harry for a bit longer, get everything done, and then break free!

Yesterday was 7 year anniversary of the day Harry and I first met.
We had an absolutely stupid argument in the evening, Harry wanted to me to peel the garlic, and I did not feel like it.. I asked him not to push me, but of course he kept pushing harder and harder, which made me more determined not to do it. Then he lost his temper, he threw away the food that he was cooking, and left the kitchen. He was angry and upset, he felt so sorry for himself.. Later he explained that he was especially upset because he picked me up from the airport, but I could not "in turn" do a small favour for him… He is an expert in comparing absolutely incomparable things, provoking arguments and twisting facts to prove his point. Anyways, towards the end of the evening we had some Baileys, and kind of reconciled. I wish I did not get attracted to him that day 7 years ago… since then our relationship has always been a struggle, I do not remember any times where I had been truly happy… there have been some good days, but it never lasted long enough.

Though the main goal of my life has been to get free from my unhappy family life, I am tired of dreaming about my escape.. Not that I do not want it to happen, I of course do and it's still my highest priority, but I want to be able to have other dreams too… Life is too short and I want to live it to the fullest.
I have realised that one of the activities that I most enjoy is taking photographs. I love people, and I especially love looking at different faces. I always preferred portraits as the form of art. And since I have Yuri I enjoy watching children more than I've ever done, and I love photographing children's faces. I am fascinated by their beauty. as far as I remember myself I always wanted to capture images, I often saw something beautiful and wished I had a camera with me to "save" the moment forever. But sometimes even if I did have a camera, what I managed to get was disappointing. But I kept taking pictures, and I just never get tired of it. Some of them come out pretty good (or so I think). When I was at home this time the thought about photography stroke me - if I like it so much, why can't I do something with it?

I will never forget about the words of the guest speaker in Cornell. He loved wines and he has developed a very successful wine business. He said: the real happiness is to do what you love and get paid for it… I am clearly not passionate about my job. It's OK, but I am bored, and certainly not excited enough. SO… I have decided to take a photography course, and I started researching in the last 2 days. I have found a few options, and I feel so excited, my blood is running faster and my heart is rejoicing. It's not cheap, but if I take the course I can still use my new skills as a hobby, and then - who knows? May be I could change profession completely? The weekend courses are short, so there would not be too much troubles with Yuri (luckily my network of friends is growing). And for the course in Reading I will only need to have help for 1 day only, as other courses take place during the week, while Yuri is in the nursery. So I just need to do some more research and then get enrolled!! It is so wonderful, I am feeling very happy!

So I am back again.. Feeling good and relaxed. I always have a strange mixture of feelings when I go home.
Love for the people and hatred for the country. Each time I get the confirmation that I've done the right thing leaving Russia, I feel that this is a real achievement. I may have less money and less things, and may be fewer opportunities that some of my friends, but I am content with what I've got. I hope I never have to go back to live there. I love my parents, though I know that I can love them only because we are so far away from each other. I am truly close with my sister only, and this is a real gift. Her conflicts with my mom did not touch me, I remained an undisturbed observer and my emotions and peace of mind did not get impacted by their arguments. My mom could be difficult at times and she does say some horribly evil things, but knowing that she will turn the whole world upside down to do anything I need compensates for everything else.
My father pleasantly surprised me, I was on top of the world when I watched him an Yuri bonding. They played together on the computer (educational games, and Yuri's favourite kneebounces), and Yuri loved going for walks with him and listening to him playing guitar. Towards the end my father even put him to bed for his afternoon nap! Yuri is still quite difficult when I am around, so having my father supporting me felt really good.
I think this was the best trip to Russia this year, more relaxing and trouble free, and I still saw a few good friends. I did not have any pressure as soon as I collected my new passport, and everything just turned out perfect! I had a few lazy days at home, just playing with the children and chatting with Tanya. Then I went out with Madina and Lyuba, had a wonderful evening with Oxana at home, and then a quick tea with Yulia Kucherenko, Lena Bedzir's and Larissa's visits and a very nice New Year's Eve with the family and Madina.
Having Yulia picking me up and taking me back to the airport, was a bonus, not only we had a chance to properly catch up, but it added this warm special touch that was not there before.
And we even got the snow!!! That was unexpected, we gave up all hopes, but it came - beautiful fluffy snow started falling as we came out of the plane, it was like in a fairy tale. Though it melted the next day, it came again later, and stayed long enough for us to be able to go and play on the snow and try out the new super sledge that we got with Tanya.

Somehow the New Years celebration has lost it's magic, and was nice but not more than that.. If anything I really enjoying having caviar with champagne - this is always the best!
All the soviet holidays that used to mean so much to me, and still mean the world to the people in Russia, somehow no longer touch my heart. It's sad, as I wish I could rejoice as much as everyone else (the way I used to do). Am I getting old, or is it because I have become so detached from Russian life style, so I can no longer relate to it? Nothing replaced that special feeling I used to feel when holidays approached. No holidays excite me that much, may be apart from Yuri's birthday (which seems the most day in the entire year), and my birthday, which is still a little bit special somehow.

Anyways, I had a perfect well-deserved break, and I do not want to think about anything complicated right now. Life is good.

Last day at work today this year, it’s very quiet, and I am counting hours before my 10-day break begins.

So I have a bit of time to reflect on the year 2006, which is ending in a few days.
The first thing that comes to my mind is that it has been a good year! May be not perfect, but definitely so much better then 2005, and I am just feeling so much happier, so I can’t help it – I see a lot of positive things, and probably neglect some of the negative ones in the process. Some very important milestones in 2006 are: getting the UK residence in January, and passing the Life in the UK test in December, which is now making me eligible to apply for British citizenship. And this means that my dream will come true, I will become a true European and will be able to travel and even work and live everywhere in Europe without restrictions. It took many years, and I am finally almost there – just another few months!
My other achievement is gaining more confidence with driving, which will clearly be an open door to more freedom. Another important thing was the record number of visits home in one year! 3 times (one still to come, but I am including it anyways). This was so important to me, I want to be closer to my family, not just for myself, but also for Yuri, and it is finally happening.
And I have become an aunt for the first time in my life and have a gorgeous niece Ira, who I will be holding in my arms in just 2 days time…
Probably the greatest achievement is that I overcame my fear of Harry, and started getting help, both self-help and from outside. I have understood what has been causing me so much pain, and started taking steps to address it. Well, I am not out yet (though this was my goal for this year), but I am closer to it then ever, and I am geared up with different options too. I no longer feel trapped, and it’s making a huge difference. The healing process has been amazing, I have gains so much knowledge and strength that now I know that there is “no going back”.
I have been able to maintain my friendships and spend more time with people that I like. I have seen some dearest friends, like Vivi, Yvonne and Camay after a long time, they came to London and it brought me great joy.
It’s been an amazing year in Yuri’s development, as he started to walk in early February, and to talk more and more and learn new skills. From a baby he has transformed into a confident, fun-loving and very clever little boy. I’ve had lots of tantrums, and some sleepless nights, but it has been much easier than the 1st year, and a great fun every day. Yuri is my blessing, and I am very proud of him! I am also very glad that he’s been very healthy, and did not have any major problems at all this year, apart from the ear infection. And we’ve done lots of exciting things together; I am re-discovering the world of childhood: games, playgrounds, toys, songs and stories. I love it!

I never do New Year resolutions, but I will do it this time.
Main objective is to take better care of myself, stop erratic snacking in the office and get regular exercise.
Second is to get my freedom with the car (possibly get my own) and be able to go to places without restrictions.
The last, but not least one is to sort out our situation at home and find a permanent solution that will ensure that I am happy. This is the toughest one, I am not saying divorce as the only option, but it’s certainly a strong possibility. Otherwise it will be just separation, or in the most unlikely event that he stops all the horrible behaviours, I might be able to be happy while we remain together as a family (I do not believe this is going to happen, just keeping it open as an option for now).

It's been such a quiet day today, I am struggling to find things to do. Holiday mood is in the air, the company dinner tonight is definitely impacting the atmosphere in the office, everyone seems more chattier and happier. I have made the arrangements for Yuri, he will go to Deborah's place, it's all like a military operation timed to the minute.
Picking him up, dropping him off and then catching the train. I've got all Yuri's favourite things prepared… please, please don't cry and have a happy evening!
Harry has been really nasty, but in such minor things and subtle ways that after every incident I can't even remember what exactly happened. The solicitor told me to report every incident to the police, but there is nothing to report!!!! It's all so trivial and silly…like tonight, he would not want Deborah to bring back home after Harry returns from work.. Why??? Harry is saying: "let him stay longer with Deborah (though he knows that Yuri will pass his bed time), he will cry with me when he gets home"… what a rubbish excuse!!! he is just scared to face Deborah or her husband, he really is mentally ill. But I can't call the police for this, or anything similar to that.
But never mind, a break at home will do me a lot of good, hopefully the weather improves just in time. It's almost a law that something goes wrong each time before I am due to travel (September 11th, terrorist treats in London this summer - you name it!) , but still at the end it all goes well, and I hope this will happen again.
I've been reading my "action aid" magazines last night, about people and mainly children in Africa. I had tears on my eyes, and also felt ashamed that I am so caught up in my little world full of silly problems, whereas I have no idea about real suffering.
Almost the end of the day, I am hoping to drop home to put my make-up on. Fog is horrendous these days, very scary to drive, so lucky that I only have a very short journey.

I’ve had a week’s gap in my writing, and now need to catch up. Don’t know what to start with, it’s been a very busy and eventful week.
Last weekend I had Steph A over for lunch.. it was great, she got me absolutely gorgeous flowers (lilies) and I am enjoying them all week. She told me the touching story of her boyfriend kissing another girl.. I would have never though this could happen to her, such a great couple.. but life is full of surprises. We had really interesting conversations, while Yuri was asleep for 3.5 hours! One thing Steph shared with me that the gossips reached Cyntergy, and Claire asked her “how my divorce is going”.. I have to ask Alex, who she talked to and what did she say, as this is getting a little out of hand, the divorce have not even started, but “broken telephone” is already spreading the news around. Wonder what Harry’s reaction would be if he hears about this!
The rest of that day I spend with Stef and Steve, and as usual it was very nice, and boys played together. At the end we all played Pictionary, and Yuri totally impressed my with the number of words that he knows and things that he could guess. It was very funny, when almost anything was “airplane” for him, we had a really good laugh all together.
Sunday was a quiet day, which was good. On Monday my busy 3-day holiday started.
I went to Waitrose first thing in the morning after dropping Yuri. The weather was terrible, so it was well justified to go by car. The car park was empty, o it was not hard at all to find an easy spot. My fear of supermarket car parks now seems well exaggerated, I know I can do it now! After the shopping I went to see the nursery school behind our house… It seems really small, and there is no room for children to sleep. Yuri’s current nursery is 100% better.. I then went to Reading for my appointment with Buchra and Sue – my new outreach worker. We have spent about ah hour together, and discussed my situation, and options. They have confirmed that I can go to a refuge, but only if I quit my job. They strive for total confidentiality, and can not compromise it by allowing the possibility of him following me from work to the refuge. So I have an option “if the worse comes to worse”, and if this is going to happen, I will leave my job. Though this is the last resort, if this is meant to happen it, will, but first I will try other options. Both ladies, for so nice and understanding, I almost cried at one point, I was loosing control, and sadness about the past was hitting me again, but I managed to regain control. I returned on Wednesday and spent ah hour with the solicitor, I liked her much more than Rey. She also insisted that I should try to kick Harry out, though she agree that the courts may not grant the Occupation order, as there has to be some very serious evidence of violent behaviour. Anyways, I have a way out and this is the main thing.

The rest of the Monday I have spent running around the shops and having a hair-cut (which turned out very disappointing, but I am not going to grieve about it too much).
Tuesday morning I took for with Deborah and did good 3 hours of driving. She is really a great instructor and a very good person, I was very lucky that I met her. She was very supporting and encouraging to me. I know I was not always driving perfectly, but she said that I am fine, and she does not see any problems with my driving, she agreed that I am lacking confidence, and need practice. After driving to Heathrow, we returned to Twyford, and then went to Camay’s place. It was not difficult at all. I now know how to get to my escape place! We had a cup of tea, and a good chat and laugh together, we both encouraged Camay to learn to drive.
I came home just in time to cook lunch for Sophie. She came just after 1pm, and we had a very good time. She is a very lovely person. I had to tell her some of the things about my situation (as otherwise my excuses would no longer make sense). She was very supportive, and very understanding.. I got to know her much more, and there is a very good connection between us, I would love to stay friends with her.
When she left, I shoot off back to Reading and managed to do a few very quick and successful purchases, so I finished with all the shopping – great relief!
On Wednesday morning I went to see the play in the nursery. It was very touching, and the children did so well, costumes were beautiful. Yuri was not performing, and he was sitting in the corner with other younger children, I could not even see him. But when occasionally I was able to catch a glance of him, and he also saw me, he have me the happiest smile ever! I really enjoyed the play.. and the after the solicitor’s appointment I went to Hayes and passed my britishness test there. I am now eligible to ask for British citizenship – reaching my goal is just a few months away now… I am very happy…
Harry has not been great lately, and yesterday he announced that he has lost his job. I am Читать далее...

I’ve been driving for over a year now, always the same little route. Home-nursery-office and back. I hate the nursery car park, it’s been a source of stress for me from the very start. It’s way too small and when it gets busy, there is simply no place to park I will never forget that first night I had to drive to pick Yuri up, it was so dark, and that little private road was so bumpy.. my heart was jumping…They fixed the road since then, but it’s still really difficult, as it’s too narrow, and in many places only one car can pass. I hate thinking about that morning when I hit the brand new BMW – that was terrible.. and all the little accidents since then- hitting the flower bed, the tree, the fence.. and yet again last night I had another one. I had to park just outside of the entrance, as car park was so busy and I could not risk it parking in difficult places. The farmer’s wife complained and the nursery staff asked me not to park there anymore. When I got into the car to go out, there was another car behind, I would have rather let that car enter first, but it flashed the lights to let me go, so I started reversing. Without the front mirror (which Harry no longer wants to glue back), I was not very sure where I was going, so I did not go far enough, and when entering the car park I knocked down a wooden pole. I was dead scared; I did not know what to do, so I just drove off. I felt really bad about myself, like a criminal or “hit and run” driver. I could not believe how such little thing could through me off balance. I was very disturbed the entire evening, and all my confidence issues have come back and flooded my head with memories of my failures. I tried speaking to myself and reason rationally, I have managed to convince myself that this is not a tragedy, no one got hurt, and there is no damage to anyone.
I wanted to talk to someone, but I could not talk to Harry about this, as he would definitely turn it against me. So I kept it to myself.
I met Diane on my way back home, and she dropped by for a cup of tea.. it’s so sad that they are going to move. They were such nice neighbours, but we never really got a chance to become friends. Anyways seeing her has also helped distracting me from thinking about the accident, and in any case I was embarrassed to discuss the accident with her.
This morning I went to the nursery a little earlier. The pole was still there lying on the ground. It was in fact much smaller than I imagined, and it was not on the way (so no inconvenience for anyone). Probably no one even noticed that it was down.. I have lifted it and put it back. I also checked our car, and could not see any damage at all… I realised my fears were so unnecessary.
I still need to build my confidence with driving.. 3 hours of driving lessons on Tuesday will be a great help. I am getting much better in manoeuvring the car, but still very far from perfect. And I am not even a perfectionist, why does this bother me so much?

Just wanted to write down another dream before I forget it..
I was in Russia, and I was attending some events there, something exciting..
Think Harry was there, the dream seems very hazy now… but I know I was doing something interesting, and at the same time there was some exams at school too.. All mixed up as usually in the dreams. And then my friend Yulia Chuchelina appeared and said that Harry will go to India, then we'll start the divorce, and there will be a lot of troubles, but all troubles will end on September 5th and I'll be completely free from him…This September 5th just got stuck in my mind, I wonder if this was a premonition? I will surely find out!

I am finally feeling good again.. Could not sleep last night, due to excitement and all the things that I am looking forward to.. I am not even tired today, though I only had a few hours of sleep…

Can't wait for next week - and all those things that I planned for my 3 days off.

Weekend was good, really enjoyed the day in Bath with Yvette and Pascal, and even Sunday was nice (with pub family lunch in Wargrave, and then looking after Joe, and doing some serious playing with the 2 boys).

It's great to have the energy back and to think about being back with my family in only 3 weeks time.

I have been so ill, and still feeling very weak.. I hate it. I even had to take antibiotics, which I usually never do.. at least it did make a difference.
The good thing was that I was able to spend a few days in bed, while Yuri was in the nursery. Harry was not helping, but was not making it too hard, which I am grateful for!
He got really nasty as the weekend started, and as I just began to feel a little better.
Saturday and Sunday his abusive behaviours reached the usual weekend level. Saturday it was during cleaning the house, he just would not stop complaining and criticising me.
On Sunday it got worse, as Stef and Steve were coming, and he kept complaining about how they are going to ruin our house, etc…It’s so boring, I do not even want to write about it. We had a really nice afternoon with Stef, Steve and kids. Harry left without saying good bye, which they found odd, but it did not spoil our day together. I was delighted to finally have guests at home.
The next day I had a very hectic morning (doctor appointment, shopping, getting ready for the party), and realised that still was not completely recovered. But anyways I went to Shelly’s, and the annual Christmas kids party was nice as usual. The best bit was staying behind after everyone has left. We put boys to sleep and just relaxed with a glass of wine, and chatted away for good 2 hours (Tommy and Yuri happened to wake up exactly the same time). They’ve got an amazingly beautiful house.. and the kitchen where we were sitting is so romantic, with black sparkling marble and clever lighting, it made it all even more special…It felt like going out with a friend, something I almost never get to do… I like Shelly a lot! She is very open, and very generous and funny, we had a really good time, and got to know many new things about each other.

That evening I felt very tired. We got home just before 18:00, I fed Yuri, but did not want to have dinner myself, I was still very full from all the yummy snacks at Shelly’s place. Harry got in a bit earlier than usual, and he wanted me to serve him dinner, I told him that there is some food in the fridge, and all he needs to do is to heat it up in the microwave. He kept pushing as usual, but I was firm.. so he gave up after some time, and kept laying on the floor in Yuri’s room. He did not talk to me since that little argument, and I did not talk to him. He only left when I was putting Yuri to bed.
The next morning he also did not talk to me (which was great), and he also did not eat the breakfast that I left for him. In the evening he did not come home. I have tried calling him a few times, but he was not answering his phone. I went to bed, but could not sleep, was over-tired… At around 23:00 I heard some noise, I went into the kitchen and saw that Harry was back. I did not say anything and went back to bed.
When he was not home and did not tell anything about being late, I was not very worried. I obviously was not sure if something had happened, or if he is just trying to be difficult (he probably thought it would drive me crazy, but I am not him, so it hardly had any effect on me). If anything I was most grateful to have a quiet evening for myself, it was totally a bonus, I relaxed on the sofa with a cup of tea, watching all the programs that I wanted to watch, it was great! I did have an odd though that he might have done something to himself, but I did not think it was very likely (and I was right!). This morning he came into the kitchen and started complaining why I did not make his breakfast. I said: you did not eat one from yesterday, why should I make you one today? He said, he was busy yesterday and was running late.. but today all is back to normal… then he asked if I’ll make his dinner, I asked “why should I? if you are ignoring me, and not answering my calls?” That was it! He was waiting for some kind of accusation for his bad behaviour, so he could turn it around against me and start attacking….the blame started pouring in… Everything was my fault: “I did not ask him what happened last night, so it’s my fault that he never told me why he came home late.. I was hostile, and apparently attacked him, and therefore it’s impossible to talk to me to tell me what happened” it went on and on, I did not reply. I know exactly what he is doing (perfect classic example of abuse!).. but it’s not working. I do not give a damn where he was that night and why he did not call me to warn about the delay. I do not care if I never find this out.. if something has truly happened, and he was truly sorry, he would have come to me and shared what happened, and apologized for not being able to tell me.. but of course this was all calculated, and not only he is not sorry, he is probably frustrated that it did not hurt me more.

I had very strong pains in my chest yesterday, in the morning and then again during the night… When it happens, I can not breath, it’s very scary. I hope it’s not a heart attack, or Читать далее...

I am feeling very ill for the past 6-7 days, have very blocked nose and heavy head, I can hardly breathe, it's really uncomfortable.
I do not like being like this, in pain and with no energy…
Harry has been reasonably ok, not most helpful, but not being deliberately difficult, so I am grateful for that. Ha even bought me some medication, which shocked me, as never before he was willing to accept that I might be unwell and need some help. They play really well with Yuri in the evenings, while I am resting…I am reading new books about abuse, it shows me some other sides of it, which are very interesting and again totally applicable to my situation. He uses ever type of abuse, and I am so glad that I finally understand what it did to me during all those years of suffering.
Last night I was reading about dreams that abused women have, about being killed by their partners… and then I had a dream too. We were in some strange swimming pool, we were climbing stairs and got stuck in some strange shelf above the pool. And Harry then strangled me with the jewellery that I had on my neck… I died, and my spirit was floating around flying to different places.. I could see places and people that I know, but nobody could see me. I saw my sister, she had a very cute second baby girl - Natasha, and she was with my cousin Lena, who also had a second daughter, also called Natasha, they were walking together on a street with prams… I woke up because Yuri started crying, and I realised I just dreamed about being dead.. I can't remember ever dreaming about this before… I do not know if I did, but just never registered it?

This new book is making things even more clear for me, I feel very strong, as I finally have all the answers to every incident from the past that used to torment me…
Yesterday I spoke to Tchernych, and she is in exact same boat, Carlo and Harry seem to be the same man.. We compared some incidents, and it seems like it was exact same person… She has been in it for much longer, and is suffering even more… she even needs to take anti-depressants.. I know we need to support each other, I can give her some comfort, as I understand exactly what she is going through.

Last night Harry came home and started acting dramatically happy. He came to hug me and to kiss me, and he hugged and kissed Yuri with passion. He was smiling, and laughing (it was almost too much over-acting, it looked very strange), and then he said "that's it, we are not going to divorce, I have changed my mind. We'll stay together and be happy from now on"
I was not too surprised that he changed his mind, I was in fact expecting it. He said he got some advice, and that I will not be able to sell the house without his consent, and that he will defend the divorce and ruin me financially. He will deny that any abuse ever took place, and I will never be able to prove anything, and that he will accuse me of profiteering.
He seemed relieved of his worries.. And he even made me a cup of tea after dinner, something I can't even remember when it last happened.
I was feeling unwell and went to bed early. I could hardly get any sleep because of the congested nose. I really struggled.
In the meantime I decided to get some more advice from Derek and Crossing Bridges, and file for divorce anyways at the end of the year, as I initially planned before Harry started pressuring me and insisting to divorce right away. In case he defends the divorce, I will not be able to continue, as it is indeed very costly. So I'll just leave without divorcing. I just need to understand what legal action I would need to take to get my share of the house. I am very calm, this is what I expected and what I am prepared to deal with.