Another great weekend, with some spontaneous activities, just the way I like it!
Went off to Coral reef swimming pool on Saturday morning, I go lost with the Tom Tom, cause that street was 9 miles long! With number 1 is the middle of it. And the swimming pool did not have a number in the street address! This country is so disorganised sometimes!!! But anyways, despite of horrible Harry who sat next to me all the way and criticized my driving (and also saying: see - I told you you will get lost!), all the rest was really happy. For the first time Yuri really enjoyed playing in the water, and once he tried the little slide, I could not stop him! Him and Louis were super excited. And I just relaxed - 2 hours went really fast. After that we went to have a look across the road and discovered a huge park, with a coffee shop and a very good playground. It's all part of a huge forest which anyone could explore.. And it was all free of charge as well! So we just stayed there, had some lunch outside and played with the children!
The next day I did a photo-session with Mary. I am pleased with the results, and I think she'll be very happy to see the photos. We went for a coffee with Harry and Yuri to Wargrave early afternoon, watched the boats, ducks and swans and enjoyed the sunshine. In late afternoon, I baby-sat Stef and Steve's kids, while they were eating in the Indian restaurant. It was a little challenging as Hugo was into everything, and until I put him into Yuri's cot, I had to watch him every second. I forgot that babies are like that, and in any case Yuri was so easy! When they came back, we went to the fields behind our house and we played there, run around and took lots of pictures.

I have made some progress with Photoshop over the weekend, I feel like I am getting somewhere, it fills me up with joy!

I would have never believed that getting divorced could be such a wonderful experience, but yet when I walked out of the Reading Court of Justice yesterday afternoon I felt like I was flying! The lady at the counter was the most adorable person you could ever wish to deal with, she was so sweet, helpful and smiley, I felt like she just charged me with her positive energy. She printed the document that I was missing, and she checked that everything is in order. Swearing an affidavit was a little weird, but very short and quite simple.
For once I was really happy that I have hired Amandeep. Stuart from divorce-on-line has confused me unnecessarily, but Amandeep just told me what needs to be done, and it turned out to be right. So there we go - I have applied for the decree nice! So now another couple of weeks of waiting, and hopefully the court will agree that living with Harry is not something to be continued!

It only took 5 minutes in courts, and I had an afternoon for myself. I did the usual shop-run on Reading high street, almost bought a pair of pale blue shoes, but they did not have my size. Got myself a new blue bag, range of tea-shirts in Primark for the summer, a new perfume, and also got a hair-cut (without waiting, which was perfect). Hated my new look at first, but this morning it did like it a little more - so hopefully it will look better once it's not so perfectly straightened.
I got Yuri a new puzzle too, he loved it! It's a little too complicated, and we did it together,, but I have no doubts he will master this one too. It will keep him occupied! This week both monkeys and a rabbit go to the nursery with him - it's so funny. And apparently he would not sleep if all of them aren't there.

We had a little party on Wednesday night, before Maureen and Sophie went to pampered chef night. It was so great to have people over - I've forgotten the excitement of making the preparations and waiting for guests. While waiting both Yuri and me were nibbling on the snacks and dancing together, it was so cool, Yuri must have felt my excitement in the air!
When I live by myself, I'll be able to do this as much as I like, how wonderful would this be!

Harry came back last night, I was not expecting him, it felt some stranger is intruding into my private life.. It's amazing how much has changed in 1 year's time. I am so much happier, and things will only get better from now on.

Seriously running out of time for tracking all the events,
Have to be brief, and hope that my memory won't fail me.
Key news:
Super busy weekend, with trip to Warwick, which left Yuri terrified of Safi and a stain on Clair's sofa. Don't think we'll be invited again. Thanks to Sophie, I did manage to get out to Steph's birthday. It was great, super food in Don Fernando (tapas). Steph looked great with some make up on, and when I saw her I was reassured that she is not upset with me at all. I was sitting next to Danni's boyfriend, we had really interesting conversations, but they I was worried that we spend too much time talking to each other, so I stopped. Going back was a nightmare. I found myself on the platform in Maidenhead at midnight, with no trains going to Twyford due to a fatality. For a few moments a thought crossed my mind that it was Harry - all his threats that he'll through himself under a train one day have obviously left a trace. Eventually a shared a cab with a very nice girl, who was returning from a hen party.
Sunday was brilliant with Stef W and Steph T, superb massage and great fun in the sauna, it was amazing, felt like going back in time to when we were young, single and care free - just happy!
Philippa has made some beautiful jewelleries - they were on my desk on Monday morning. Exactly as I pictured it. Sometimes it scares me how everything I wish for eventually happens. It's great most of the times, and gives me confidence that everything will be all right.
Still working with "change my life in 7 days". Have realised that I've forgotten most from reading the book the first time. I'll keep reading it until it sinks in.
Harry is away, and I am struggling with a cold again, but at least I can have peace for another few days.
Work will be very busy, as Alex is now out for 2 weeks.
Amandeep has told me that I can go ahead! So Stuart was wrong.. Which is really good news.

Can't believe I have caught yet another cold. Started feeling it on Saturday night in Bath.
It did not help that Yuri kept waking up that night (screaming :"cat mommy"), so I was kind of "broken" again.

Apart from that weekend in Bath was lovely. Yvette took such good care of us, with all the loving touches, it was very sweet.
Yuri fell asleep soon after we arrived, so we could relax in the garden with a glass of wine and chat.. In the afternoon we went to a big playground, and had a nice walk back.
It was peaceful, relaxing and a happy experience for me. In the evening we sat around the computer and looked at different photographers' websites - those that Yvette and Pascal like.

The next morning we went to the "soft play" in the morning, and to the playground just before leaving.
I took tons of photos, may be was a little annoying for them, but I am sure they'll be happy when they see the results.

I was super Happy that Marianne liked the photos of Freya, I personally think they were a success, it gives me even more inspiration.

Saw Shelly this week too. She got me a guardian angel chain, and she bought some beautiful clothes for Yuri from America. She was absolutely radiant. Conversations about photography were not at all very exciting, well may be another time… I though she would be most interested out of everyone, but it turned out to be the opposite. Never mind, she is still a great friend.

Harry told me last night that he is going to Portugal today with his boss. It's always wonderful news for me when he is away. It can never be too late to get this sort of a good news. Tonight I just need rest, really good rest. Busy weekend is coming up and I want to enjoy it to the fullest.

I do not know where to start, too much has been happening lately, and I am constantly lacking time to track the events.
Yet, feeling really good, happy and full of energy (apart from the moments when Yuri throws tantrums or when Harry bothers me).

It's been a week since I have my new Nikon. I fell in love with it right away, and at the same time have a feeling that this is an old friend that I've had all my life - feels so good when I hold it in my hands! But back to the new love feeling, there is so much that I need to learn and discover about this camera, most of the buttons are still a mystery. I do know how to take photos, and the main settings I can already change, so I do not need to wait till I've learnt absolutely everything before I can start taking pictures. Yet, I do need to get to know this camera inside out! And it requires time!

In the meantime I had an absolutely perfect opportunity for first experiments on Saturday. Stef was moving houses, and I came over to look after the kids. I took Louis and Yuri for a walk around the lakes just behind their house. It was magical. Two happy little boys, perfect weather and countless beautiful things around us - swans, ducks, trees, flowers - I was in paradise. When Yuri saw two swans sitting quietly in the shade by the shore, he started screaming: "hello lebed!", Louis also joined it, he did not care that "lebed" is a Russian word. They both screamed and laughed, it was so funny! During the walk we often stopped and looked at things, listened to the birds, counted swans and ducks on the lake, we even saw a family with little ducklings, it was so nice!
When we returned to the house I looked after Hugo and the boys.. I felt a bit odd, as everyone around was working so hard, moving houses is such a massive task, and they have so many things. Yet Stef said it was great help to keep children out of the way, so I hope it's the case, as I had a very happy and relaxing day doing it.
I also tried out lightscribe, and it worked, I was super-excited. I made first CD for Stef's parents with a writing and some design imprinted directly on the CD, it looked great.
On Sunday we had Louis again, and I looked after the boys. Harry decided to hang around. He even went to the park with us, which was very strange. He must have been really bored.. But anyways I did not complain, though he was a bit of a pain.
I keep listening to the CD every night, and I really relax and concentrate on all the positive things and sensations of feeling great, I also picture myself happy and very successful in the future. I have decided to become rich and free!
Also the letter from the court finally arrived. I can now proceed with the next step! He won't be defending, so this divorce will not be long and costly after all.

I have already invested 2000 pounds in my photography. I have never ever in my life spent such amount of money so easily, I just feel so confident that this is for a worthwhile purpose. I also bought the insurance, so my camera is covered, I can go anywhere with it.

I have revised my project plan on Sunday, I need to get more organized and concentrate on one thing at the time, otherwise I'll be jumping from one thing to the other. This week I am learning about the camera. Still not understanding everything, but eventually will get there.

Also many exciting events are coming up in the month of May, I'll be very busy and travelling again - short trips within the UK, but still very exciting. Bath, Warwick, Leicester...

Last night Harry has realised that divorce is going to happen without him needing to do anything. He promised yet again that from now on he will be kind and respectful to me, and that it will be different this time (by now I've lost count how many times I've heard this from him). He is just scared that he will be kicked out, and now finally understands that the only hope that he can stay would be to be really nice… too late, no way I want this angry negative person around me after we divorce. I have to keep my mouth shut though, as I do say unnecessary things when he provokes me, and it results in arguments and wasted time.

even work has been 100 times more interesting lately.. interesting how everything is changing for the better together.

Finally feeling back to normal today..strenght seems to be coming back, and my mind is clear.
The last energy drop really scared me, I thought I would never get out. What was it? One of the possible answers is that it was depression, I am not sure. Easier to blame it on a virus, or general fatigue. I am suspecting I go through a cycle when my energy drops and then goes back up, but this time it was just particularly low.
All the equipment is arriving bit by bit, the camera, the disks. I have to be careful and not get overly excited/tired, as my body won't be able to cope.
I can afford to make slow but sure progress. I do have time before the real-life test. The book is helping me to tune myself for success! I am on day 6, but I have not done the exercises properly, so I will read it all over again and make it part of my daily routine. I am finding out more interesting things about myself… my poor person's mentality, my insecurity, feeling that I am not worthy. All this can be changed, and I know it now.

We are making arrangements with Natasha, so I can go and visit the wedding venue and get ready for the shooting. I have confidence in myself, it'll all work out!

After my endless complains of sleep disturbances, Harry has put a separator on our bed last night, it looks like a long pillow stuffed with clothes. It was funny to sleep with this thing in the middle, but Harry could not touch me, which was the purpose, and it worked. So guess this means the official ending of our marriage - woo-hoo. I hate having him around, he is sick and will never change. Lots of rudeness again last night: "why did you put this in the sink", I asked - the reply from Harry: "Stop making drama!".. What can I cay? I do not say anything,,, I do not ask questions, and I do not ask for anything from him. Yet, he constantly demands something, it is unconscious, and no matter how much I resist, he just does not understand it. I completely despise him, he no longer exists.. I realised I have spent 7 years of my life trying to get rid of him. And this was my own choice that almost destroyed me.

Yuri has been funny lately.. He learned to say "sorry mummy", and he makes this funny face and says it with a guilty little voice, when he has not been behaving, it's super cute.

We also laughed like crazy about "yellow cocks" (yellow socks) - and "kwack-kwack", pronounced as "fuck-fuck". Harry kept playing that duck song, and laughing…

Yuri is going through the independence phase, he has to do everything himself - get in and out of the car, get undresses, putting his shoes on, etc. He is still in love with the Thomas book that I got from free cycle, we have to read it every day. Still counting and talking about colours, he is a persistent little boy. I can't wait to make the portraits of him, every time I look at him his beauty, his energy, his character to not seize to amaze me. I keep admiring this little creature that came out of my belly to have a totally separate life - independent, yet forever linked to mine.

I am very worried about my health, last week's weakness has come as a complete shock to me..
Just a week ago I was so full of energy, started increasing the amount of daily exercise etc.. And then I felt like I have no strength at all, neither physical nor mental.. Have I overstretched myself? My body has clearly sent a signal that I needed to slow down. I felt so weak and helpless.. Could not work, so got the courage to say that I need to go home. I stayed in bed, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday and Friday all day. Took it easy on Saturday.. Did take the risk yesterday and still went to Steph T new place and met Steph a on the way back.. It was OK at the end.. I am feeling a bit more like my normal self, but something is not quite right and I can't describe it really.. A bit of dizziness, and funny sensations my head.. I wish I knew what to do.
Exercises in "change your life in 7 days" should hopefully come handy.. Amazing how sometimes the right book comes to you at the right time.

I have stopped everything.. I do little physical activity, and I am taking a break from self-learning. I am just reading the Scott Kelby's book, and memorising some of the cool tricks that will make my pictures look like professional work.
And, the big thing is - I ordered my new Nikon on Saturday, it should arrive soon! I still have a few things that I will need, but I've revised my project plan, and have a list of everything.. Trying to be organized.. Not too hard so far.

I just need to make sure that I am well again.. Otherwise all the plans will go into the drain.
Harry's presence really annoys me. I told him to give me peace.. He's been quite a lot better.. He bought food and cleaned this weekend, he took Yuri to the park and he pretty much left me alone.. But I am still disgusted by him.. I can't stand him touching me or demanding things from me (which he still does without realising it). I am annoyed that divorce is not progressing at all. I've recent the papers again of Friday, hopefully it will at least start moving after that.

Last weekend has been quite happy and eventful, and the warm sunny weather made it even better.

On Saturday I went to Reading with Yuri to meet Sarina, and we had a very nice lunch together.. The lunch was just a little bit rushed, as she was late, and I had meeting with Ragna already arranged.
As we had to wait in Reading for a long time, Yuri got very tired.
But while waiting we did lots of things on the high street, played with the balloons, went on the rides, got Yuri's new hat and had ice-cream.

After that I met up with Ragna and we have spent the afternoon together in the pub in Twyford. It was so nice to meet someone new, from another part of the world, with an interesting life-story. We got along so well! I very much enjoyed talking to her. Yesterday I cleaned the house, and then Harry also did a very big cleaning, as he invited Winston for dinner. It was a nice evening, actually - good fun, and beautiful food - prepared all by Harry, I did not touch a thing. It was hard to wake up this morning after the couple of glasses of wine, but I am feeling ok.

I am so glad Harry is away again this week. Yes, I now do what I want on weekends - huge progress compared to before.. But on some weekends I just want to do nothing and stay at home. And whenever this happens, Harry then imposes something on me, he either insists on doing something together, or demands that I do something that he wants, like cleaning the house… and he always manages to break my internal peace and somehow upset me and make me loose my calm. I can't belong to myself with him around… so I can't ever enjoy being at home apart from when he is away. At least I will have a well deserved break in the next 4 days, I can't wait.

I started reading "change your life in 7 days" yesterday. I feel like this is a critical time and I am really ready to make those important changes that will make me happy.
I did get a chance to learn a practice a few more Photoshop tricks yesterday, it's all very interesting - but so much to learn - it will keep me busy for years.

Yuri had his health review on Friday, he is healthy and "bright" , which I never doubted anyways.

I keep telling myself that I do not write enough about Yuri. He changes so quickly, and one phase comes to replace another, and what seemed to have lasted forever quickly fades away in my memory.
When I get my camera, I will capture a lot of moments of his life in a totally different way.. But how can I capture his voice, his words, his reactions, his likes and dislikes? I have to be more organised and make regular records!!!

His "domik" phase is over, once he's mastered it, he is no longer interested, full stop. Then his next passion was counting, and even a stronger one - colours. He loves colours, we constantly talk about what colour is everything around us.. Couple of days ago he said the he is blue, and when I asked him what colour his grandma is, he said "white". He also loves books - Thomas and Dora are on top of the list these days.

And he loves music, he knows which CD has which song, and always demands an exact song that he wants to be played.. He is also singing, which is lovely.

When he is happy, he demonstrates it with a little dance, which makes us laugh, and he laughs too, as knows how cute he is… He's been a pretty happy boy lately.. And he still says "I love you" all the time.

He stopped sleeping with the rabbit, but he keeps the little monkey,., it definitely is his favourite, as sometimes he would offer it food/drink, put it to by breast, or even let the monkey kick his favourite ball.

He still loves crisps (baaaad!!!).. And recently he is in love with the canned corn.. Would not eat anything else. So we had to get the stock, so at least he does not starve.

He is talking so much now, we have little chats about simple things.. Sometimes he erupts cute little phrases (in English, of course) - I've had enough, Mommy look at me, Yuri big boy, Yuri be careful.. He confuses "My and I", so it's very amusing to listen to him. I speak Russian and he responds back in English… how does his little brain work - this will remain a mystery.

I love him more than ever, he is my blessing, my joy, my pride and my little treasure.. Never thought having a child is that great!

I keep on dreaming about photography, all my life has been a "prelude" to this point when I finally understood my mission. If gods do exist, I feel that they are with me, I am already getting so much help and support, and I am just at the very beginning of this exciting journey.

Shelly's gesture, and Andrei's invaluable help had set me up for effective learning. Kelby's book is excellent, I've been reading it last night while practicing directly in Photoshop at the same time. This is so exciting, and daunting at the same time.. I know so little at the moment. But somehow I know I will succeed, can't quite explain where this confidence is coming from.. Some inner light has been turned on and is burning inside me, this is incredibly energising.

I feel like I've been sleeping for a long time, and now I've finally woken up and started living again.
It's amazing how quickly things have changed.. I now have a dream and new goal, and it's affecting my entire life.
I am so much happier at work somehow, just because I know I won't be doing the same thing forever, and in the foreseeable future I'll be able to spend less time in the office and more time doing the things I love..

I have much more energy and started walking, swimming and a bit of weight training exercises. Now I know that I will loose my extra weight.

I feel very happy.. And at the same time often very angry at Harry.. He's been annoying again, and my tolerance level is at all times low, so I just let the steam out… Last weekend was pretty heated up, but I finally won the long-pending battle over his monthly travel card. I am proud of myself. He is saying I am nasty, but I am simply standing up for myself and saying what I think.

Last weekend I was shaken up by an incident on the road. I drove to Wokingham to pick up some books from free cycle. Harry came with me, but for some reason he wanted to watch me drive. And whenever this happens something goes wrong (and then Harry pokes me and uses this against me as a proof of what a shitty driver I am). We had to stop to get some petrol. As I was pulling out of the gas station, I saw a cyclist coming from my right, I must have misjudged his speed, and pulled out. Later on he caught up with me at the traffic light, and was screaming and making very angry and aggressive gestures at me… I could not understand why. I thought I have done something really bad without realising it, may be I almost killed him? This shook me so much, I was not myself, and kept making all sorts of mistakes with the driving for the rest of the trip. Luckily it was not too far.
I again realised my confidence is still very weak. I am extremely scared that I might harm someone on the road… if this happens, I won't be able to live with myself.

The good thing was that I used some "rational thinking" techniques and calmed myself down.
We then enjoyed the sunny weather with Yuri at the playground.
Sunday also had some really nice moments.. Flying the kite on the big field behind the house, looking at Yuri's radiant smile.. And then lovely meal at the St. George and Dragon with the gorgeous view on the river. Some sparkling Spanish music was playing, the sun was shining, everything was beautiful and the food was nice… we were sitting there and everything was almost perfect - who would have guessed that we are not a happy family?
Harry found a 50 pound note just before we went into the pub, while we were feeding the ducks.. I thought he would use it to celebrate his finding and sponsor our lunch, but this disgustingly stingy man would not even think about it. Towards the end he as usual got annoyed and angry, and started taking it out on Yuri (when he was crying, he told him something like "nasty boy, next time you are staying home"), and on me, when I joke about him being rich now - he basically told me to shut up and stop talking about him finding the 50 pounds..
So once again I concluded that spending time with him is simply not worth it. Yes we had some good time, but I do not want any bad moments - none at all. And when I share my time with other people, they do not spoil it for me, but Harry always does.
So I decided that despite his constant pleading to go somewhere together over Easter, I am not going to agree. Have to remember the promise that I gave to myself - never ever go away with him again…

I've been doing my Photoshop courses almost every night. Having Natasha's wedding in a few months time is a great motivation for me to get to the professional level as quickly as possible. The PC have been ordered, it should arrive soon. I've never ever bought a new PC before - there is always a first time for everything!

I am super excited, Natasha asked me to be a photographer at her wedding! She even suggested to pay me, but I said I would like it to be her wedding gift...
It's so weird: deep in my heart wanted to be the photographer , but could not ask her directly. Its as if she read my mind - I am so lucky.
Since I read her e-mail this morning, my excitement does not wear off, and I truly can't concentrate on my work.
Since the photography course my mind is very alert, and I actually feel that I am a lot more productive and enjoying my work more, but at the same time my mind keeps wondering and dreaming constantly day and night.

Just realised that I've forgotten to write about last Friday. It was an absolutely wonderful night!
Yvette, Sarina, Jennifer, Steph A and me got together in Bella Italia in Ealing for a beautiful meal and fun evening together.
We had a birthday surprise for Yvette, she had no idea we knew it was her birthday, she was so touched.
All evening was so happy and light, girls kept joking and chatting, and laughter would not stop. We all used to worked together and all moved on in our lives. I have not seen Sarina for almost 4 years, but it felt like we were just together yesterday. I love these girls!
And a girls night out was such a great thing to do, I have not done it in the last 3 years at least, it's scary… there are so many things that are simple and yet bring great joy.

I am happy and can't help it, life is great!

Had a better night sleep, and got most of my energy back. Hate this change of the clock business, really suffered yesterday. Was like a zombie all day after getting up an hour earlier, after an almost sleepless night.

On the positive note, the weather is great again, and the nature is in fool bloom. Colours are splendid, all sorts of beautiful flowers and trees are everywhere around me. I love this time of the year, I feel absolutely blessed to be living in such wonderful environment.

Went round on Sunday and took pictures of all the flowers on my way. My camera is almost dead, it's not working and results are disappointing. Good timing for getting a really good professional one. But first things first!

I ordered some Photoshop training software this weekend, and getting close to choosing a PC.. Camera will be next.

Also had sent my bailiff request yesterday - I wonder how Harry will react.

Still full of dreams and images, I am an addict of photography now - did not take me long to get hooked… or may be I've always been hooked, but just did not realise it?

It’s so great to have my mind occupied with something else rather than our problems with Harry. Though he still has not opened the envelope, and there will be a little delay in the process, all will still go ahead. I will arrange for bailiff next week, just need to find a photo of Harry, all the rest is ready. I am totally at peace with myself and convinced that I am doing the right thing. Things have been calm at home, he is behaving, and it’s really good that I no longer have to spend my energy on fights.
And I am still dreaming of all the pictures, and keep coming up with the new ideas on how I can create my market niche. At the same time I realise that this is a risky business, and stable income can not be guaranteed. There is a lot of competition, I looked in yellow pages – there are too many photo-studios in the area.
So I may need to keep working for someone, to ensure the minimum income. I know what my goal is now: work less hours, have more free time, but at the same time earn at least as much as now. And most importantly love what I am doing with passion!
I have made a project plan, and a list of everything I would need to set up my photography business. I am super-excited. I can see this happening. I can’t wait for the day when to the question: “what job do you do?”, I can answer : I am a photographer!” – that would be something I’ll be so proud to say.

I feel happy, full of energy and dreams.
Yuri has been ill one day this week, it made us very worried, as he had very high temperature, and nothing obviously wrong. He was fine the next day and ever since.
I even wonder if that was not my last week’s fear that he would fall ill, that actually transformed into his illness .. I will never find out.
I am going out tonight with the girls from Cyntergy, it would be so great. Harry will pick up Yuri in Ealing on his way home, and he’ll look after him all evening.
I have not done this for many years – hard to believe but true.

I have started doing some weight training in the mornings, only get to go swimming once a week so far, need to make it at least twice a week. The weather has been so bad, I did not want to leave the house at night. Hopefully it will be warmer and brighter soon.

Looking back a year ago, I am astounded how much things have improved in my life.

My head is spinning, I can not sleep at night as I have images of all the great images that I am going to create, all the ideas that can make my future business successful and a great life that I will have once I start doing this full time. I never ever thought that I could have my own business, but this time it feels like I know exactly what to do and how to do it, and I actually do want to work for myself.

There is so much to be done, but it’s all possible.
I need to take a web design course and create my website.
Need to start building up my portfolio of great photos – thanks heaven I have so many friends who can model for me.
Need to get Photoshop for my old PC for now, but with the time a new computer with CS2 software.
Buy some books or take a course to crack down Photoshop/
Need to buy my camera, flesh gun and lighting equipment.
Get insurance
Get professional qualification
Start advertising in yell.com.
And then just quit my job and start doing this full time!

There are two things that I do not get tired of doing: photographs and Excel, and both of them I will use for my future photography life, this is mind-blowing.
I have not felt that excited since that day when Yuri was born.
It’s incredible that I can feel so full of life and happy.


2nd day of the beginner-advanced course we were walking around Reading and taking lots of photos in different places. It was the most beautiful day, sunny and warm, like in the summer. It was good fun! And all afternoon we worked on our images.

The portrait course was different. All people have already attended the 1st course, apart from a retired old man Michael. Everyone apart from him wanted to be in paid photography work.
Helen already has a business, which is successful.
Wendy is in IT, but she is quitting her job to do this.
Steve just wants it as a hobby for now.
And Ingrid from Holland is a mother of 4 who stays home, and wants to do this as a hobby and work.

We took turns and took photos of Tony on Friday , and of the kids on Saturday. The girl was very pretty, but also very moody, she was not too king on posing, but at the end everyone got good photos.

It’s been the best week, even work was interesting and as a bonus Harry was away.
Life is great!

It has clearly been a very special day.
I’ve been very anxious up until today, I was worried something would happen and I won’t be able to do the course. I wanted to do it so badly. I kept looking out for spots on Yuri (my worst fear was that he contracted chicken pox from Joe – he can still be ill any time till Saturday), but he seemed to be fine.
So this morning I walking him to the nursery, got myself nicely dressed, and put on make up, and set out to Caversham. The traffic was better then I expected, and I managed all the roundabouts, and did not get lost. I arrived about 10 minutes before the start. And I felt great! I had a good night sleep too, so my mind was very alert.
The studio was very nice, adorned with the beautiful photographs – portraits mainly – on the walls, and a collage of Freddie’s snaps with various celebrities. Half of the studio had a proper studio set-up, white screen and professional lights; the other half had sitting area, and at the end a little kitchen, very neat.
2 ladies were already there: Claire and Bekky. We started chatting, and then Laura and Susy arrived. Irene was very late, and we had to wait for her, but it was great opportunity to find out things about each other. It was funny that there were only ladies on the course, but Freddie said that it’s not surprising and in general women take this course more than man. It was a very interesting mixture, Clair with her entertainment business and a wedding for which she id hired to be a photographer (very determined to learn how to take good wedding pictures); Irene, whose husband died and who needs a hobby to keep an interest in life.. she had the most expensive camera – 8000 pounds! Even Freddie said it was the fist time someone had a camera like that. Bekky, a mother of 2 children, who is looking to start a business; Laura, working for the department of work and pensions, and being sponsored by her employer, so she can take photos for the internal magazine, and Sussy, from Devon who just wants it as a hobby and potential extra income.
Freddie, was very charming and funny. His voice and manners reminded me of Christian though, but I tried not to make this influence me negatively.
There was lots of jokes and stories about people that he knows, and other people who took the course. He thinks only 5% of photography success is due to technical knowledge, the rest is communication.

We learned all the basics, ISO, white balance, aperture, shutter speed, etc. Most interesting was about the light and composition, I liked the rule of thirds!
Some of the things I already new, but lots was new, and it has not quite “sunk in” yet – hopefully after tomorrow I’ll have more confidence.
I’ve been using Freddie’s camera for the course, which costs 5500 pounds, it was huge and heavy, and it was very exciting to be able to work with a piece of equipment like that!

We were served beautiful lasagne for lunch with a fresh salad. And after lunch we started practicing. First assignment was taking picture of the shoes on a wooden plank. In the darkness, with just a torch light we were creating art! The shutter speed was 30 seconds, and we could “paint the light” the way we wanted to. The results were stunning.
Then we took pictures of the flowers on the black background, and again it was amazing. Correct camera set-up and lighting were doing miracles.
After that we learned about studio set-up for portraits. And at the end we practiced taking portraits of Freddie. I had to go, as it was already after 5:30 , so we will see the results of today’s work tomorrow.

I’ve been trying to apply what I learned on my basic camera at home. At first I was just getting very dark images, but then I understood how to change the settings. Still a long way to go, but this is so exciting and stimulating!
I am so glad I’ve decided to do this!
And it coincided with my driving breakthrough, I fill very happy and free!

The papers have come through the post yesterday. But Harry has refused to open the envelope and read it.
He is very scared and confused. He said he feels he is going to loose everything. He had tears on his eyes, and he seams weak. I can’t believe that I’ve been so scared of this man before, and now I am so much stronger then him, and he is begging me for mercy. It’s quite disgusting really, and very sad. I used to love him so much, but he would not appreciate it until he has lost it..
He begged me all night last night. Now Yuri seems to be the bone of contention, he wants to be able to see him every single day! And he is threatening me that he’ll find out his rights from the courts and will fight for Yuri. I am not scared at all though, don’t think any court would force any divorced women to be in contact with her ex husband every single day, so he can see his child, this is just nonsence.
He does not seem to know what to do, he does not want to fight, but also does not want to agree to anything. I am not quite sure what to expect, but the process will go ahead no matter what he does. It will either be quite easy, or very painful. I am not too worried at the moment, though of course it will be a lot easier when we can move on to the next step.

The weather has been so bright and sunny the past 2 days. I have started walking to the nursery in the mornings, get to work 10 minutes later than usual, but get 30 minutes of exercise in return, which seems like a good deal to me!
I absolutely have to get rid of all the extra weight, it’s been terrible the last 2 weeks, the amount of sweets consumed in the office was way above average. My will power is not-existent.

Feeling ill again today, massive head ache in the morning, and dodgy throat. When will I feel healthy again?

Other then that, have peace of mind finally, and feeling positive about the future. Life can only get better, no doubt about that.

We’ve been watching and singing Russian songs from the “Mir detstva” DVD – the one that I got for Andrei in Moscow, and he brought back on Sunday.
This brings back so many childhood memories, I get very sentimental.
We sit together on the bed with Yuri, and we dance along with the music and laugh, I am so glad he likes it! I hope this will make him learn Russian, and introduce him to a little part of the Russian culture. He already has favourite songs, the ones that he heard in Moscow, or the ones from other CDs.

Yuri has been really good lately. Very sweet, and ever so funny. Really grown up he is, very independent – when getting dressed, walking up and down the stairs, helping out with the shopping in the supermarket. He is so cute when he says ; “thank you, mama”, and “please” – they got well trained in the nursery!

He has mastered the brick houses – to our great amazement he has been coming up with really complex compositions – small and big houses organised into little villages, all very pretty! It took him about 3 months to master this, first month he was just watching us, then he tried some simple houses, and last month every day ended up with a little masterpiece.. He would build it quietly in his room, and then come and call me to have a look “mama, domik!”.
Now he stopped playing with it, and is finding new entertainment. Playing with the red balloon, drawing, reading books and singing action songs and “twinkle twinkle little star” seem to be his favourites at the moment.

He is still not speaking in sentences, but he knows so many words. It’s astonishing how well he can communicate, and how he makes himself understood. He made me laugh so hard, when he said “bo-bo shtany” (pain in the trousers), just because he does not know how to say a word “leg”, and also how he is saying “no kit” (I wont’ eat wale), because he can not say “fish”.

He is fascinated by counting these days, we count everything, and he never gets bored. Even when he is upset and crying, if I start counting from one to ten, it would calm him down, it kind of hypnotizes him.

He does wake up at night quite often lately, but at least there is no more tantrums, neither in the morning nor on our way back. When I come to pick him up he is always so happy and smiley, and unlike before he does not make wait for ages before agreeing to go home. And again he does not mind the push chair, he seems to like being in it again, which makes things easier for me.

I can’t believe how much I love this little boy.. I wonder if I ever have a second child if I could love him/her as much?

below is my favourite photo - yuri kissed by cara and mira - Andreis girls.
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Harry is trying hard to confuse me; he is acting as a very loving and caring man. And he keeps brainwashing me, and begging me to “let him love me…” I think he does not realise how ridiculous he is, as he had me and my love for many years, but did not give any love in return, but now when I finally do not want to do anything with him, he decided to “make up” for all that lost time. He keeps saying how much he loves me and how much he is sorry that he has hurt me so badly.
It bothers me, I wish he was just the way he’s always been. What’s the point being so nice, when it’s already too late? I feel very uncomfortable when he hugs and kisses me, and when he is expecting some kind of warmth in return. On the positive side, his relationship with Yuri seemed to have improved, and they are spending a lot more time together : counting learning colours and paining. He is also behaving much better then before, though on Saturday he went back to his old ways, and then spent all evening apologizing and asking for understanding and forgiveness. Yesterday he went to a work meeting in London, so I had a very peaceful morning with Yuri. I had enough time to get ready for my guests, and we even popped down to see Sophie for a cup of tea. Andrei, Tamara, Claire and girls came around 1pm. And they stayed quite late, think must have been after 7 when they went home. Harry came after 5. And to my big surprise after they left he did not start the usual torture and complaining. He helped to tidy up, and did not make any comments neither about the mess, nor about them staying so late. It really was nice that he was just normal, and he seemed to have enjoyed playing with the girls and chatting with Andrei and Clair. I was quite tired at the end of the day, but it really was lovely. I am so glad that Yuri did feel more comfortable at the end, and that they had so much fun together with the girls and really got along well.

I am very excited about the photography course next week… Just keeping my fingers crossed that all will go well. Deborah has warned me today that Joe has a chicken pox, and Yuri might have caught it from him last week. I am hoping for the best.

I’ve been having very vivid and very happy dreams again lately. I am always in love with someone… may be that’s why I always wish I could sleep longer?

Still not in the best of moods, kind of mentally preparing for the battle which will start when Harry will receive the divorce papers. I have to stay strong and not let him confuse me.

This is it, I've done it - I have filed for divorce! Not as if it makes any difference for now, but I am relieved that I do not have to think of it anymore! Now the process has started and my future will be dependant on the outcome of this process.
Have been ill again last week, spent Thursday in bed with bad sore throat and temperature. But was able to get my questions for Amandeep ready. I was worried that I'd still be ill on Friday, but I did get better, plus strong medications kept me "alive", so I went to see Amandeep and we went through my papers. She said that without any doubts I have sufficient reasons for divorce. She actually thought my reasons were a little too strong, but then she read them again and said to leave it as it is. She advised on some minor corrections, and I felt really confident after that meeting, as all was very clear and my questions were answered. I re-printed everything and send to the court on Monday. I was surprisingly calm, not even excited at all, not happy or unhappy, just sure that this is what I need to do. I did not even feel the urge to share it with anyone, on the contrary now I want to keep this to myself. Especially because I am not sure what will happen next, will he defend it or not?
Harry must have been feeling something, on Friday night he begged me not to do anything. He said he is seeking help, he realised he has problems, and that he is also depressed, but is now going to get therapy and get better. He begged me to give him another chance… (bref, old story).
This has not had any impact on me at all, if anything it was annoying that he thinks that I will be that stupid and play his game again. I have zero trust in him, how can he not understand?
The only interesting thing was that he did start behave normally, and was quite nice on Saturday and Sunday, and pretty ok after that too. At times he was way too nice, he would hold me and hug me, and say nice words. It felt very awkward, very fake in fact. I was very uncomfortable, yet did not have the strength to push him away. I would have preferred if he just left me along, but he keeps saying that he loves me, that he was wrong in treating me the way he did, etc. etc. Apparently the women he spoke to gave him some simple advise (like to let me live my life, to be nice to me, to speak kindly, to communicate, to count to 10 before saying anything when he is angry.. - all the obvious things that I've been telling him to do too).. Somehow when this advise came from an outsider, he decided to follow it, and it's clearly working. But it is too late. I am no longer interested, in my mind he is no longer my husband, though on paper he may still be it.
He made an appointment with the GP to get advise and treatment for depression. I don't think that depression is his problem, well it's part of the problem actually making his other issues worse. But he just thinks it's depression, so he found an easy explanation to himself. Still I am very astonished that he has admitted that he won't be able to get better by himself.

We had a spontaneous get-together with the girls in London on Saturday, which was very nice.
And then again on Sunday morning we decided to go to a safari park.. Not sure why I agreed to go with Harry, especially after I decided not to spend any time with him. I just knew Yuri would be happy to see the animals, so I did it for him. Was annoyed with myself as I had wrong clothing and shoes, and it was windy and very muddy, so both my new coat and new shoes got spoiled and covered in dirt. Other than this and very rainy weather on the way back, it was not a bad day, so I did not regret going.

I am not in the best of moods somehow, can't really explain why. Feeling tired and in desperate need of exercise, which still seems to be challenging. Harry has agreed in principle to let me go in the evenings, but we can't get started, as there is always something on the way.

We got the bonus, and I'll book the photography course soon, this will cheer me up, I am sure.
Also have been looking at the school options for Yuri. Dolphin school is nice, and hours can work for full time employment. And it's about 3000 pounds a year cheaper, which is huge difference. I called them up yesterday (took advantage while sitting at home due to the power cut in the office). If we move Yuri there from September (they start from 3 years old, and would take Yuri from the autumn term), then I'll actually have enough money for the mortgage (which will be reduced to 500 from next month), school fees and just enough to cover all my expenses! Just need to find a way to make Harry leave! Well the court will deal with this, if the worst comes to worst.