I can not believe how busy it has been since Harry and Yuri left.
I feel amazingly happy! But I've been doing so much, I feel quite tired today, my body is sending me signals that I need to get some rest.
But I just can not stop, I have forgotten how wonderful it is to be able to do anything you like! I feel like I went back in time, 4 years ago exactly, just before my wedding.
It was the time when I was full of hope and full of energy, looking forward to the big changes and great life ahead of me..
Though back then I knew what is to happen, and this time I have absolutely no clue, my intuition is telling me that something great and positive is just round the corner.
So little diary of the recent events, just so I never forget about these precious days.
Monday and Tuesday last week, I took it easy, just worked on the photos, read the new book that Step A gave me…just enjoyed the peace and quiet.
On Wednesday I had dinner at Sophie's, it was lovely.. My meat was a little under-cooked, but apart from that it was a perfect night, really enjoyed their company and just being out of the house in the evening felt quite unreal! On Thursday I had Nicola for dinner, and we stayed quite late. She is a great story-teller, I loved the dramatic wedding dress story, and she told me lots of things about her family and Ian,, it was funny to find some similarities between Ian and Harry, of course Ian is not even remotely as extreme. Nicola asked me to do her family photos, so we made a plan for Sunday.
On Friday I had another night for myself, I needed it! All the photo-work is so time consuming! Also Ben upgraded my PC memory on Friday during lunch..
Saturday I left early morning, went to Dr. Toppers and had a really good hair cut. Then arrived to Steph's on time, and we had a super day. Nice lunch, a bottle of champagne and a long very creative photo-session. She was natural, coming up with all the fun ideas, colours, etc, it was fantastic! Then we got a call from Pablo, so we ended up the evening at Sophie Perret's place.
It was very nice, we had a few good laughs, and it felt absolutely great. I noticed Olga's inquisitive looks at me. Fortunately I managed to answer her questions without giving any details away. I enjoyed the day fully.
The next morning I went swimming, quick shopping, and then straight to Nicola's. I drove and found it without any issues, that was a good feeling. Her family was a little bit posh, and I felt that Ian was a little sceptical about me. We did a session, and I got the settings wrong.. What was I thinking? I knew it was under-exposed.. Why was I so stupid.. So this was quite a disappointment, but still got a few nice photographs out of it. Definitely a lesson for me! Never again allow incorrect exposure and hope to fix it later. I think Nicola is quite cool about it though, which is nice.
At the end of the day I rented Borat under Pablo's influence. And then Winston asked me to join them for dinner, so I accepted, and it was really beautiful! Then I rushed home to watch the movie. Spoke to Larissa in between, and had yet another late night. And yesterday (Monday) I had Carolyn for dinner, and it was beautiful again, food came out perfectly, and we had a very interesting conversation, I learned many more interesting things about her! I loved it… I am so glad that my unsuccessful photo-session did not ruin the friendship. I tried to copy photos for Natasha, but PC was hanging again, and I had another late night. No wonder I am tired now. Have to take it easy for the rest of the week. After tonight that it!

I do not remember feeling so good for a long time.
Being at peace, what more can I wish! When I came back from the swimming pool on Sunday morning, I was walking on the street towards my house, enjoying the warm sunshine and the beauty around me, I felt like dancing on the street - the happiness was overwhelming.

The only unpleasant thing in the past 3 days was the drama that Harry played before leaving, but since they are gone there have been nothing but pure pleasure.
Party at Heidi's place was superb, I really enjoyed being out with everyone, the atmosphere was very happy and pleasant, and having a dip in the pool was an extra bonus.
It felt amazing in the evening that I did not have to worry about rushing home, I could just stay on and enjoy the fun conversation!
The next day I also had so many positive emotions. I woke up, drove to Waitrose, got all the remaining shopping done.. Cooked and prepared everything, cleaned the house, and finished just before everyone arrived.
It was the most perfect day, warm and sunny, and everyone was happy. Sushi came out really well! We blew up a paddling pool for the babies, and Kira, Hugo and Lucas had fun in the water.
I felt great having all these lovely people around me. Talking to Karen has given me some good tips about the business, I have a feeling this friendship will have a bit of "business flavour" soon. Her cake business is going really well, better than she expected, and she said it was easier to get started then she anticipated.

Sunday after swimming I prepared everything for lunch just in time, and then Wendy arrived and we a had a very intense day, talking about photography, sharing experienced, and this followed by a photo-session, which was a bit tiring at the end. We both have tons to learn still, her photos were all either severely under or over-exposed. Mine came out quite well, and? I discovered that my flesh gun also fired her lighting, that was a good surprise. I have so much to do in the next 3 weeks, but every day will be an exciting step forward towards a much more fulfilling and happier life.

My birthday was great, really special day. I felt "the flow", I am so lucky that so many people in this world love me and think of me.
I started getting texts, e-mails and chat messages from early morning, and it went through the entire day. I did not work very much, as I had to respond to all the greetings.Luckily the morning went very quickly.
Then I drove to Shelly's as planned and got there before 1pm. She drove me to the French Horn, it was such a beautiful day and the restaurant was stunning. The sun was shining and it was pleasantly warm.
We had champagne outside on the terrace, with some delicious amuse bouches. We then moved inside and had fois gras for starter, and I had sole fish with banana sauce, so nice! We finished back on the terrace with coffee and petit fours.It was amazing to be in such beautiful environment, the service was superb, we both looked beautiful, and we did not have to worry about the kiddies, we were just there to enjoy out time alone. We had a nice chat, exchanged all the news, it was really nice.
After the restaurant I drove home, set everything up for the evening party. I was ready on time, got Yuri and then as soon as we got home the party started! Sophie and Maya came first, them Linda (the neighbour dropped by), and them Marianne, Nicola and Maureen. I really enjoyed having people in the house, I loved every second. Yuri made me a nice card in the nursery, and he sang "happy birthday" to me too. And best of all Harry was away, and I did not have to face him that day at all.

I am 36 now, I feel that I achieved a lot, and most importantly I know exactly what I want to happen in my life and how I can be totally happy and fulfilled.
I feel like my energy is back and can shine and make this world a better place. I am so blessed!

How come my wonderful sweet little boy has become a terrorist?
The description "terrible twos" says it all, this is exactly it, he is just TERRIBLE!
He screams like crazy every time we get home, whether we walk or take the car, it's always a drama to get home, he always wants something he can not have, he hits me, he screams at me, and the worst of all he does not want to go to bed at night. He climbs out of his cot, turns on the light, runs out of his room, and just finds any possible excuse for not sleeping. I now stopped talking to him completely after 9pm, I just silently bring him back to bed. It kind of works, but still takes about an hour for him to finally "agree" to sleep. On some days when I was very tired, he really tested the limits of my patience. I even questioned my love for him, and that really is terrible. I am actually glad that he is going away? Is this bad? I do not know. We still do share some beautiful moments, and he still makes me laugh: especially when he says "well done mummy, you'll get a sticker" when I go on the toilet.. So of course I still take good care of him, and his cheeky smile is irresistible, but I am just tired, and I am counting days now. Only 6 more days, and only 4 more days where I need to take him to the nursery and pick him up.. And after that no more nursery for 5.5 weeks, that would be amazing! And I will have some time for me, if anything is more precious than this, I will not believe it.

It’s a shame I could not make this record earlier, but I just had no energy for it. I might have forgotten some important bits, so rushing to put it all down.
This was the day I’ve been waiting for and preparing for in the last few months.
I was glad that I did all the preparations in advance, I had all the equipment ready, and I’ve done plenty of research (actually it turn out not being enough, as I found some splendid ideas on Flickr after the event, so I can use them next time).
Unexpectedly 2 days before the big day I had a total break down. We were discussing my flexible hours request with Philippa, Dan and Heidi, and I just started crying, and could not stop. I told them that we are getting divorced and I can not cope with the stress, and I have no time for the things that I need to do. I was in tears after that, it was so hard to keep a straight face. I could not go to work on Thursday, I went to see a GP, it was Dr. Roberts, I have never seen her before. She was very nice, understanding. She gave me a week off work, I was so pleased. I just stayed in bed on Thursday, watched Natasha’s DVD of Bindu’s wedding. The seven steps wows that the wife had to give to the husband absolutely shocked me, so sexist, and so unfair. May be these kind of expectations were in Harry’s blood?
It would not stop raining Thursday and Friday, many parts of the country were flooded. I managed to get on both trains and arrive without any issues, I was still tired. The evening at the venue was a bit of a waste of time, we must have stayed there for over 3 hours, not doing much, just watching the decorators work. It was very cold too. I took a few pictures of course, but I wished I was doing something a bit more productive. In any case I tried being positive, when we got to Natasha’s place, the atmosphere was very hectic, everyone rushing around and being stressed, poor Natasha had lots to do and it was getting late. We all had some pizza, I was glad to see Natasha’s mother, I have feelings for her, she is like a relative to me somehow.
Eventually I settled down to sleep on the matras in the living room, I probably had about 3-4 hour sleep. Then we got up and rushed out of the house around 6am. The beautician was very annoying, he kept saying “don’t do this, don’t do that”.. but she did a good job with the make-up. She wanted Natasha to be “better than last week”, good motivation I suppose! And then we all went back home, and since started happening fast. The video people arrived, lovely couple – very lucky to have people like that! The limousine was late, but still they left at a reasonable time. Went to get the grand parents and then to the venue. I just photographed everything. It was busy.
I managed to get a few posing shots of Natasha in the library, but we had so little time! Before I knew it, they were on the stage and the ceremony started. The priest was quite fun, and he actually pointed out some key moments, so I did not miss any shots.
By the end of the ceremony. I started getting a bit tired. The worst was taking photo of each guest brining gifts. I hand was numb, and it was really uninteresting from the artistic point of view. When all was over, I had to force bride and groom to get out and take some formal photos. It was still raining, and I think he was not very enthusiastic. For me that was the most interesting part of the day. I got on the stairs and took shots from above. I hoped they would come out well!
After that the event continued, there was bride and grooms arrival, cake cutting, dancing, food, etc, etc. I never managed to get them to come out to do family formal photos, I guess I was disappointed. And I also felt very tired. By the end of the day I was on my feet for almost 12 hours. My feet were killing me, and I was still not well emotionally. I tied to keep busy, walk around and take pictures of the guests. At some point Natasha’s father wanted me to follow him and take photos of all the guests, so I did that. I had a bit of food at about 3pm, and I did not have any of the main meal. I was no longer hungry and too tired. I could not wait to go home. I think I was may be trying too hard to take all the good photos, and to get the family to get together, but for Natasha that was not a priority, they were too busy with other things. Did I take it too seriously? May be I am not normal, I do understand that they were there to have fun and enjoy their wedding day, and for me it was work and responsibility, so I could not just relax.
I booked a taxi to go back to the station, and my trip home was very smooth. To my delight, Harry was not home when I arrived. I could not resist, and had a look at the photos that I took outside, they were perfect, I felt so happy. When I woke up the next morning, happiness was overwhelming me, I have completed my task successfully, and I have achieved what I wanted, I have created some amazing images that will live in history! I was smiling!
My stomach was Читать далее...

It's been so busy that I had slipped a week of my records. Would need to be brief today, as seriously lacking time.
Main point is that my mental fatigue has accumulated to the level where I feel I have no more resources left. Harry managed to "get to me", he has used every possible weapon to make me feel bad about myself. And he is equally manipulating Yuri in a very disgusting way (like on a day when I was very tired and did not want to give him a bath, he would say to Yuri "mommy hates you, mommy is bad"). I am constantly and constantly being criticized and blamed, and I can not take it any longer. I know that he is only doing it because he wants to feel that he can still control my emotions.. I know he wants a reaction, and he gets it... But I am too tired of all this, and my energy is running low. I had a sleepless night because of all that before Natasha's wedding, and therefore was so tired that day, that I could hardly enjoy it, I really struggled. The wedding was lovely though, really well organized. I arrived without any problems and found Natasha in a room with all the girls. She was breathtakingly beautiful! We had some time alone while all the ladies went off to have some food, I took some photographs of her there. Then all of a sudden everyone arrived and they had a simple civil ceremony with the ring exchange right there in that classroom.
Then her sisters brought a bit of food, but it was time to go...We entered the big room (temple), and everyone had to queue up to put some money in the "money box" and then bow. After that I sat down with all the women on the left side of the room. I could not understand anything at all, but it was quite soothing listening to the priest. Then bride and groom had to walk 4 times round the alter, and that made them married to each other. Natasha seemed very frail when she was walking, I thought she was very emotional and almost ready to faint. Gill was super confident and chilled out all the way. He looked very impressive with a big turban and a beard. After the ceremony there was a speech about the school, and everyone went off to donate money. And then all the guests queued up to congratulate the new weds and give them money.
When all was over, I went to the reception venue with Natasha's family. Natasha realised she lost her ankle jewellery, and she was very upset, as it was given by her grandma. But apart from that all went really well. Her sisters went to change into the party outfits, while we waited for Gill, who also had to change and get his beard shaven off. When he arrived, they made an entrance into the reception hall. Straight into cutting the cake, which followed by the first dance and then the party started. Loud music and fast dancing followed non stop after that till 17:30. If I was not so tired, I would have enjoyed it even more, but even in my state, I did dance quite a lot and took lots of pictures of everyone. Natasha was so happy, and she was acting like a queen, very graceful, it was a pleasure watching her. And I danced with her sisters, and her friend Shandy, and other ladies, who I did not know but who were friendly and smiles in return to my smiles. Overall it was a very good experience. I did watch the professional photographer, I think he was annoyed by my presence and the fact that I was taking picture at the same time as him, and even more than him. We had a quick chat at the end, he told me he's been doing it for 10 years, and "it pays the bills", I was really turned off..I feel most excited when I am taking pictures, and for his it's "just a job", I hope I will never think that way even after many years of doing photography.
Journey back again was full of troubles, trains were cancelled. The only advantage of a very long wait at the station was the fact that I could catch up with everyone, and confirm arrangements for next weekend.
At least next weekend I will not be dependant on Harry, and I will enjoy it much more as I won't have to stress out.

Apart from the above, Saturday was a lovely day. Lunch and a boat ride with Nicola, really enjoyable time with them. And then Henley with Stef and the kids, again, nice time outdoors. And if Yuri did not have a big tantrum at the end, it would have been just perfect. Stef kindly agreed to take car of Yuri next week, I am very lucky!

Can't remember much of last week anymore. We went to see Marianne on Thursday night.. And the rest is kind of vanished from my memory. The weekend before we were at Andrei's on Sunday, which was nice as usual. I told them about the divorce, it came as a big surprise to them. Last Saturday I did a photo-shoot at Carolyn's, it went well, but she did not like the pictures, and also thought that I re-touched them too much. She commented that backgrounds were not chosen well, I tried to explain that I was concentrating on her, as I know I can change things around in Photoshop, but I don't think she really understood. I was a bit upset about it I Читать далее...

I felt really tired by the end of last week, almost on the verge of another nervous breakdown. Monday I was at home with Yuri (he was still kind of unwell, and the weather was so bad, we were stuck at home all day). Thursday night I was very unwell with upset stomach. Harry was away one night and he came home late the other 4 nights (one of them really late, like 1am or something). I worked and then looked after Yuri, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc, plus I was not feeling well myself. Yuri has been difficult lately, especially at bed time, it takes a long time before he calms down and settles in his cot.
3 evenings in one week, exact same scenario occurred. At 21:00 after all my struggles of putting Yuri to bed, at the moment when Yuri just calmed down and was ready to sleep Harry would arrive home and go into Yuri's room - "just to say hello", and disturb him and thus delay his sleep time. This of course deprived me of any time for myself, as I had to deal with crying Yuri again, and start the whole "putting Yuri to bed routine again".
When I told him off, he was absolutely furious and very rude to me, and he again called me a crazy women..
When finally last night he realised how difficult it was to put Yuri to bed, and I told him "see why I was upset?", he just left and said "whatever,…".

On Sunday morning when I wanted to go swimming, he said: "it's raining, you should not go (the reason being that the car wipes is not working well)".. And when I said that I was still going, he said in a very angry tone "I hope you don't crash the car", which implied really "I hope you DO crash the car", by the way it was said.

This man is so full of anger… yesterday he was ill. I did everything again, cleaning, cooking etc…I made him a cup of tea with lemon.. I am still human somehow, don't know why.. He kind of left me along for half a day, and it was a nice change. He did not demand anything, and I still got everything done, but without his constant pressure and negative comments.
Having Deborah over for a cup of tea was a nice surprise, I really like her.. Sounds like fertility treatment was not successful again, she is devastated. There is still a bit of hope though.. I wish so much it happens for her.

On the positive side, I've all my equipment ready. I was very pleased that I got all the shopping done on Saturday. Got the UV filter and a belt bag for memory cards, etc. And even reflectors arrived today, just need to practice using them.

Natasha's first wedding is only 2 weeks away. My first big test!

My mind was buzzing with ideas of doing weddings in Russia, if it works the way I am planning too, I will be very wealthy and free and have the lifestyle that I want…

I am surprised how easy it actually was to stop the unhealthy snacking, I have not touched any of the chocolates during the past two weeks, I just had cornflakes during the day, some fruit and a then normal dinner at night.
Not sure if I actually lost weight, but I can feel that my bad eating habits are saying "good bye!".

Had a super happy day on Tuesday. Called up the court and got the confirmation that it went ahead, and I now have 6 weeks and 1 day cooling off period. I was super excited, have texted everyone, and got many excited responses back, which was really nice. And then the same afternoon a letter from the home office arrived telling me that I have been granted British citizenship. So I was just over the moon, all long-awaited news came together. My future is looking bright!

Harry came home really late that night, must have been past midnight. For some reason I could not fall asleep, and was very tired the next day. He left on a business trip for one day yesterday, so I had time to rest from him. Also met up with Tushar, which was great. He will offer me to do a few weddings with him, possibly one on the 18th of August. I even overcame my parking fears and drove to Waitrose (as it was raining). Left the car very far, so had no troubles with other cars around – should do this more often.

Another bit of news worth mentioning was meeting up with Fred on Saturday, we had a super day. Beautiful walk in Kensington garden, lunch in China Town in my favourite restaurant (yummy dimsun!), coffee at the Embankment with Fred, I loved every minutes, and the photos came out nicely too. I felt like all these years of misery, restrictions and unhappiness had been nothing but a bad dream, and I am living my life the way that makes me happy.
Yuri really liked Fred, which made me very happy. Sunday Steph A came and we made sushi, again it was good fun for a miserable rainy day that it was.

I am almost finished with the Wedding photography book. My mind is occupied with the future plans so much, I find it difficult to concentrate on work. I know I need to hold on, it’s not for too much longer.

I need a holiday, I have been working without any breaks for almost 6 months - this is not fair.
I am trying to get my strenght together for the next two months, but finding motivation is hard.

Yuri has been going to bed really late recently, he just would not sleep, and he is extremely difficult and manipulative with me. Every evening and every morning there is a tuntrum, tears and at times he is deliberately horrible to me - screaming and even hitting me. I always remain calm, and never scream at him back, I am sure it's just another phase that will end eventually. The rest of the time, he is as cute and funny as ever.. Making me laugh when he says "shut door" for closing anything (lids, clothes), and "up on the hill" instead of "up there", and how he says "I am a big girl", confusing girl and boy. And his "O-key" which sounds like Mr. Gu's, which used to make us laught so much at IMHI. It turns out that I won't be able to take Yuri to my parents this year, as Harry is so against it. When angelika told me she is leaving her son with her parents, and then she said "I do not have a husband", I wanted to say to her: "you are so lucky!"/

This week we had another evening when Harry's obsessiveness went to extreem.. He kept asking me "what do you want? I need to know what is going to happen now!" I've written my answers on a piece of paper, I told him that I am waiting for an advise and do not have the answer for him.. But he would not accept it, and he kept on and on asking the same quesiton, he followed me to the bathroom, and would not leave.. So I could not have a shower or anything, at the end I told him that I will be calling the police, and only then he has left me alone.
I hate it when we are in the same house.. For some reason he did not go away this month. As we do not talk, I have no idea why, and also do not know if he will travel again or not. His presence is like heavy clouds that cover the bright sky, and make the air difficult to breease.

In 2 days the future will be more clear.. 25th of June is a decisive day, and until I know what will be next, I can not completely relax, and do not really want to tell anyone about the situation. What if it gets complicated again?

My mind is still on photography, I can't wait to have the wedding images and design the first graphistudio album. I know it will be amazing.
Another positive thing is that I have been doing the Kellogs diet in the past 2 weeks (except weekends).. And I have not been snacking at all. I even ignored the huge chocolate celbration box in the office, I am very proud of myself. I am determined to loose the extra weight that is all around me.

The day in London was quite good this week, lunch with the Firmdale group was a little bit odd - as I did not really get to talk to all of them, there was too many people. But meetings with Darren and Angelika were excellent, I really enjoyed it.

I am very emotionally drained after the weekend, Harry has been as horrible as he used to be in the old bad times. He kept pushing me to do things, and as I resisted, it got out of hand and spoiled the entire day.. And the argument kept on this morning too. For something so silly, that nobody would even believe it.. He wanted me to take the washing out of the washing machine and hang it outside.. He kept on and on, and whenever I said no, he would insult and threaten me.. I was busy working on my photos, I had very limited time - Yuri only had .5 hours of sleep, and I had so much to do!… I said: "do it yourself, or I'll do it later". But he would not do it himself, as "he has done the washing the previous week"… he demanded that I do it.. And later he accused me for not being able to do his own washing, because "my washing" was in there… I had to scream at the end, I said to him "get real, you are not a handicap, you are perfectly capable of taking out the washing from the machine." But he does not get it - he is too obsessed, and can't accept my rejection, so he has to keep pushing until he gets me to do what he wants me to do. He screamed at me, accused me of being rude and disrespectful, and threatened not to help me when I need him.. I said, "why don't you go and tell your solicitor that you never ever push me? And that all that happened today, I actually took it out from the book?" I told him he seriously needs help. Then he confessed that he's been taking some anti-depressants, but then he stopped (that really explains relative calmness that we had at home, but now it's back to total madness!"). His face, his eyes looks sick. If I did not know how weak he actually is inside, I would have been scared of him.

Saturday I also had a bit of an unpleasant experience with Steph.. I travelled all the way to Shadwell, and after coming out of the tube station I took a wrong turn, I had a heavy bag, and I had to carry Yuri in my arms when it started raining… She told me off for not being able to find her house, she could have turned it into a joke, but she actually was angry at me!… Yes she was very stressed, as she broke her keys that morning, etc.. But I do not think I deserved her being so aggressive with me after I travelled almost 3 hours with my child to see her…I guess I am sensitive to any type of violence these days, so her frustration with me did not go well. It's not the first time that we have a bit of a personality clash.. Not a clash really this time, as I was purely attacked by her. It was not too bad after Stef, Steve and their children arrived, we had some lunch, and then Steph decided to put on her favourite movie.. Old French comedy about a rabbi from the US visiting Paris. It was ok, but I did not think it was worth it, going all the way there just to watch this film, and not even being able to talk. That is not my idea of a good time… Am I being difficult, I do not know?
I just did not like it. I was really glad that I went to see Andrei after that, seeing him and the girls really made up for that unexpectedly unpleasant meeting. We took lots of great photos. It's so good to be with people who enjoy it as much as I do. I also took some pictures of Maya on Sunday, so in terms of my photo-work the weekend has been a success. I think I am getting better. I ordered some more memory and a spare battery, I am getting ready for the first real challenge, it just in 1 month time. I am half way through the Wedding photography book, learning some very useful tips.

Tomorrow I will be spending a day in London, meeting up with various clients. It is something I am very much looking forward to. I shall feel better soon.

I could not believe my eyes when I got home and saw the letter from the court waiting for me. I could not wait and read it right away. My heart was filling up with joy as I was reading it.
Yuri was sill in the pushchair, as he saw me jumping and laughing and screaming "yes", so he laughed together with me!!!! And he has every reason to do so!

We will no longer be abused, we'll soon be free. I do not need to fight in courts and trying to prove that all the crazy things that have been happening to me are really true!
The court found that I have enough grounds for divorce, and this is it! Harry can pay anyone he likes to listen to his lies, but it's the court who makes the decision, so justice does exist!

When Harry gets home these days, Yuri starts crying and he says "No want daddy, go away daddy, daddy hurt Yuri".. I have never told him to do this, I am actually very surprised that Yuri is saying it.. But I also can not stop him, I just calm him down and say "Yuri, no need to say this", and I usually take him away. After some time they do play together, so Yuri's reaction to Harry's arrival home must be a response to the arguing that Harry usually initiates as soon as he walks in.. Also often when they play Harry is too rough, and he hurts Yuri, and though Yuri does not like it, he is still doing it every day ( a bit like with his violent kisses). But all this is soon going to stop.

I am so happy and relieved… I am at peace again.
And Harry would not even open his letter with the court's decision, what a coward!

Yesterday Natasha called me and said that she has given my number to her sister, who has a friend looking for a wedding photographer, and she also said she is spreading the word around me!

I also got in touch with Freddie and he agreed to look at my work.
Yesterday I have written to a local wedding photographer, and he is also willing to meet with me.
I have a feeling that something really wonderful is going to happen, and my new career will kick off fast.

I am quite disturbed by Harry's behaviours.. Not that I did not expect it, in the contrary, he is doing exactly what I thought he would do. And exactly everything that I've read in the books, he is trying to "come out clean" and pass me for a crazy horrible women - basically turn it all upside down. He hired a solicitor who is paid to believe his stories, so he is "telling his side of the story", which is basically accusing me of making everything up. And the more he repeats his story, the more he believes in it.. So his side of the story is: I am a horrible liar, I have made all the false accusations, and I took examples of his behaviour from the books that I am reading.. When they went through the threats, the solicitor was surprised: she asked him, did you threaten to burn the house, to ruin her financially, and he said "do you think I am crazy, how can I do that? she got this from some book".. In his eyes Harry has done nothing wrong, he has always been nice and kind, never hurt me and never stopped me from doing anything, and always helped with Yuri. He told his solicitor: I looked after Yuri for 8 months while I was unemployed, how can she claim that I do not help? So he has convinced the solicitor that I want to get rid of Harry just because I am so inherently bad, I just want to take advantage of him, take his money and find another man…

When we were arguing last night, Yuri was quite difficult and was grabbing my glasses, so I had to raise my voice to stop him. I never normally scream at Yuri or raise my voice at him, it's really exceptional (whereas Harry does it a lot). So he jumped at this opportunity - he said you are screaming at Yuri, he grabbed him, said "Yuri, come to me - mummy is bad". I am sure he'll add this to the dossier - now in addition to all the other horrible things, I am also abusing my son!
I do not really care what his solicitor thinks about me, at the end of the day she is paid to believe his stories, to be on his side and to ridicule me.
What really matters is that we will divorce, and he will no longer spoil my life. I find myself fighting with him inside my mind, proving how wrong and unfair he is. I know it's pointless, and does not change anything, but I can not stop.. I could not get any sleep because of this last night. How can I prove to anyone how badly he has treated me? Does justice exist at all? I went through my diary yesterday, and for the fist time I did not have tears on my eyes when I finished reading about his abuse. I am letting it go, I am much stronger now than I've ever been. My freedom is nearer than ever. I think I should publish my stories so other women can read it and get inspiration for ending abusive relationships.

Funnily, after last night's conversation, when he told me about how his solicitor ridiculed every point of my petition, and how I am so stupid and horrible, this morning he started begging me again to do the loft conversion and let him stay in the loft. What a joke!
I can't believe that so soon it will be all over and I will have a peaceful and happy life again!

It was a bad night for me on Friday, Harry's behaviours was so overwhelmingly disturbing, I ended up with an asthmatic attack, strong heart beat, and I could not concentrate on anything and was not able to sleep for some time. At the end I managed to calm myself down, listened to the CD, relaxed, and finally fell asleep. I have told myself that everything will be all right… We will still get divorced, and I will still go on holidays with my family, so whatever he does to make my life difficult is simply not going to work. I am determined to have a happy life free from abuse and stress!

It all started when I told him about my trip to Russia. He immediately demanded that I go at different time, without explaining why… I could not believe it, it really started upsetting me.. I already booked my tickets and paid for them, and I informed him right away! I have not done anything wrong! He would blame me for being vile, horrible person and not letting Yuri see his grand parents. I was in shock, I said I never stop you from taking Yuri to go see his grand parents! He can go any other time! I am only taking 2 weeks, and he can have the rest of the year. He blamed me for not consulting with him prior to making my plans.. And then finally he confessed that 2 weeks ago he has made a booking to go to Mauritius with Yuri - and dates of his trip overlap with mine!!! And of course I had no clue and he had no intention of telling me! And of course it's absolutely normal for him not communicating with me about his plans… and had I not booked my tickets, he probably would not have told me anything at all!
And then he got really angry and he could not resist telling me that he had hired a solicitor and is now contesting the divorce. He lied about all sorts of things, as expected, he said he never received the papers, and my sworn statement is rubbish. I had been open and honest with him during the entire process, I have told him what is going on. He waited and waited - he had 3 months to contest it, but he finally decided to act when he realised that if he does not, life will be too easy for me. That's exactly what he said " you've had it easy so far, now wait and see how this is going to change!"
I asked him what he is trying to achieve. He said "he is protecting his rights". What rights, I asked?
He said "for Yuri" I said I have always insisted he has contact with Yuri, as he is his father.. Earlier he kept saying that if we separate, he will never see Yuri again and I will be depriving his son from having a father. Now he turned it around and is pretending that I am not going to let him see his son… How typical.. So I asked him, what is he going to gain? Even if he defends, we'll still get divorced at the end, and he'll still be able to spend as much time with Yuri as he wants too…

All that he'll achieve is making it very difficult and unpleasant. He said the court would have to do cross examination, and they will be asking witnesses. I have no troubles have witnesses, all my friends are now aware of what's been happening, and some even experienced his rudeness and abuse directly…. Harry said that he will ensure my credibility is damaged, and that the court would not believe my friends, because they will lie about everything just the way I do. How funny, as the reality has been so bad, I do not have to lie, even describing 1% of the true events will convince the court, I am sure.. It's Harry who needs to lie, and he is not going to hesitate to do it.. He is claming I wanted to take Yuri away for 3 months, which is not true. I never wanted to take him away for that long, but the more he repeats it, the more he believes it - typical behaviour of an abusive man.

Anyways, It all got into my head badly, but I managed to reason with myself, and I just need to be calm and not worry about anything. I am convinced that justice will prevail.

Harry followed me to Reading on Saturday, I do not understand why he does that. He knows that I do not want to spend time with him, but he still imposes it. He kept nagging all the way, "be careful, hold Yuri's hand, etc.." I did not want him around, so was happy when we separated and went to the shoe shop. Yuri was happy to get the new shoes, for the first time ever.

I have worked on Yvette's photos, and sent her a few but again she was not very impressed. More and more I am finding that what I like does not necessarily match to what others like.. I can do this for myself, but if eventually I need to sell my work, I would need to adapt to peoples tastes.

We had lunch with Stef, Steve and the kids in Wargrave on Sunday, it was very nice, hot, sunny day, prefect for eating out. And then I went to see Camay. I drove well, and for the first time I did not get lost on my way back. She is still "stuck in the past" and is being very cautious about her future. For her financial stability is number one.. For me, I am willing to risk everything I have, just to ensure I am truly Читать далее...

Yesterday Yuri's photo was published in the Twyford advertiser. It was a story about the man with creeping creatures visiting the nursery.
I was very excited as we managed to get 2 copies of the newspaper in the evening, after I picked Yuri up.
When Harry got home, the excitement kind of transmitted to him, we all laughed.. And then later some Latino music was playing on TV, and we started dancing, all of us.. Harry was going some really funny movements, so we were all laughing, it was really great!
After I put Yuri to bed, I wanted to get my Indian outfit for Natasha's wedding from the loft, but Harry started obstructing me. It was as bad as in the old days, he insulted me, called me crazy, etc. etc. He said it's dangerous and dark and I will break my legs if I climb up to the loft. He said that the ladder was broken (which was a lie), then he turned off the switch, to disconnect electricity from the loft.. He said that I have got a problem. Well there we go! First he forces me to put everything in the loft, then when I need something he would refuse to help me to get it (in fact just a week before he said "why are you asking me, go get it yourself!", and then he would not let me get it myself either! I guess I have got a problem! And that problem is Harry! He ended up writing a promise on paper that he will get me things that I need from the loft on the weekend. We'll see, I trained myself not to get upset, but still this is not right.

On the positive side I have got our passports back from the home office and I also booked my holidays to Russia!

Last night I finally managed to get to the pile of papers that was gathering for weeks beside my bed.
When have our lives become so complicated?
I can't believe how much paperwork we have to manage every day: bills, bank and credit card statements from 2 banks + all sorts of promotional junk, salary slips, insurance (health and house), pension; Yuri's school invoices, newsletters and other information; health information, invoices and instructions for all the photo equipment that I got, home office documentation for my nationality application, correspondence on divorce, letters from Action aid, and all sort of other junk on top of that…

I have forgotten the days where opening a mail box meant finding a letter from a friend somewhere far away! When was the last lime I actually got a personal letter? Oh no stop, I did have a post card from Yvonne couple of weeks ago.. But nothing else at all in the last 2-3 months.

Anyways, I've sorted it all out, it feels good! Back to my computer tonight I think, lots of pictures awaiting to be touched up.

Getting a little bored with work, so time to write a few lines!
Again, quite a few interesting events in the past few days.
Went away successfully and have spent my first day away from Yuri - 24 hours exactly. It was absolutely great to be able to travel, visit new places, meet Natasha's family and get so deeply involved in her wedding preparations. I loved the experience and the lay-in on Saturday morning, when I did not have to tune my ears for Yuri's crying.
Harry tried to make it hard, he insisted I send Yuri to some of my friends, but I made the right decision and followed my heart. I just explained everything to Natasha, and she was fine, and accepted that we won't leave at the time she wanted to leave. She is such a great girl, I really enjoy her company and her outlook on life.
We took lots of pictures that day, and when I came home and loaded them, I was a little scared… most of them did not look good. I only had one portrait sitting in Russia, and I remember the bulky photographer lady, who was half drunk told me: you have a difficult nose.. "Difficult nose" is exactly what the problem is with Natasha too, and I would have to be very drunk and stupid to admit it to her, but I have to be honest with myself, as there is a bigchallenge in front of me!
I've shown her some of the pictures, she said "they are wonderful, you made me look beautiful".. I was pleased. But I am setting my standards high and I know I am not good enough yet.
I've been obsessed with photography lately, I am glued to the computer all the time, and it requires a major effort every night at 23:00 to stop and go to bed. I've been working on the office photos, they came out nicely and I am happy with the result.
I also took lots of nature shots in Wargrave on Sunday, and then at Donkey Derby. It was a nice event actually, I really enjoyed playing with the kids outside. The pictures of flying birds came out quite sharp, this camera is so great! I am a little worried that sometimes shutter speed would not go any further then 200, I need to have a break from all the Photoshop work and get back to books. There is so much to be done, will I ever have enough time… But feeling good though, smiling to myself and keeping happy.

The reactions to my office photos have been really disappointing, to state it plainly - nobody liked them! I spent so much time retouching them over the weekend, and it was all useless. Not useless in the sense that I have not learned anything - of course it was a valuable experience for me in retouching large numbers of photos efficiently, but my desire to make people happy has resulted in total failure. It's nothing to do with the quality of the photographs, it's peoples perception of themselves, and complexes that they have.
I was amazed to discover how critical people are when they are looking at themselves. The reactions that I hear: "I look tired!", "I am so fat", "one of my eyes is bigger than the other", "I do not like the way I look".. It came literally from everyone. Only Alex and Ian were cool about it - they do not have issues with the way they look, but everyone else was not happy at all.
I have to review the way I take photos and also the way I present them. Yesterday I took more pictures, and it was more relaxing than last week, and I did not retouch them. I've given everyone the opportunity to look at the originals and then select the one they like, so I can then work on it. Again what surprised me, my perception of best photos was completely different from the choices that people made. At least I am not going to waste time on retouching photos that people do not need.

I have a huge backlog of photos that I need to work on - weekend in Bath is untouched, and also meeting with Clair.
I wonder what Mary would think of hers? May be my "realistic" retouching was not enough?
I bought another Digital Photography book - all about the wedding business. Started reading it last night, very interesting. More and more I feel that I can do it. I will be leading a life of my dream soon!
I also ordered Chicago soundtrack, and I was listening and singing in the car yesterday and today - it's super, I love every song - they just fill me up with energy.. Why have I not done this before?
I am feeling quite good these days, though I do not go to bed before 11, and Yuri is waking up every night still. No news from the court, I am expecting the decision to come in any day.

It's been kind of slow today, and I am falling asleep.
Strange that it can be so quiet after a bank holiday weekend..
It has been the rainiest weather I can remember, really horrible and unpleasant both Saturday and Sunday.
Luckily I have not planned anything. Ended up spending Saturday at Stef's, had lots of fois gras and delicious sweet wine, it felt like some kind of celebration. Kids played together well, and we just relaxed.
I got quite a few things done, learned some new techniques in Photoshop, edited all office and Mary's photos.
Every time I feel that there is so much more to do.. It's both frustrating and motivating at the same time.
Yuri has been waking up at night and really early in the morning, so I am quite tired. I will be glad when I can get undisturbed sleep every single night.
I will be taking more pictures tomorrow, really excited as I got asked about it, we need CRMs portraits for the client portal, so more excuses to practice photography at work.
Harry is annoying as usual. We have such a strange home life these days. Negativity is pouring out of him, whenever he opens his mouth, I wish he did not speak to me - in that case it would have been a peaceful existence of 2 people who have become strangers, but have a child together… Yet he still thinks he has the right to criticize, "make suggestions" and demand things to be done certain way. I am resisting much more, but at times I give in. His anger and rudeness have reduced, but are still there.. It's quite disgusting, but I don't think about it. Photography and new dreams are occupying my mind, so it's easier then it's ever been to switch off.
What worried me is that Yuri complained that Harry hurt him. I have no idea what happened, but Yuri seemed distressed. And then he told me that he does not like Harry, and that he only loves me. Poor Yuri has to be in the middle of it, but once we separate completely, he'll only witness peace and happiness with me.