сижу, скучаю.. провалила экзамен, то есть не дошла до него.. точнее не смогла проснуться.. кто то сказал что можно пересдать в четверг.. нуну.. посмотрим.. всё равно нихуя незнаю.. Quantitative reaserch methods, это вообще что?? и зачем это надо? уже 2 месяца хуйнёй страдаю.. ладно, неважно..

недавно помирилась с Jeff-ом и Nino.. решила мстить подругому.. любовью, заботой.. а когда они мне доверять начнут, вот тогда я чё нить такое придумаю что они меня надолго запомнят.. козлы, блин.. изза одного чуть мой парень ни умер, а другой угрожал что меня убьёт, сволочь.. ну типа испугать хотел.. не думаю что он на самом деле такой идиот.. я просто не люблю когда кто то со мной так разговаривает.. хотя, не страшно, я его давно знаю, он как собака выёбовается но никогда не укусит сильно.. вот и помирились.. инодга встречаемся, гуляем.. на концерты хожу их послушать.. музыка это единственное что меня к ним тянет.. хорошо играют.. мой стиль.. и вообще всегда хотела тусоваться с рок группой.. заодно в доверие влезу, в душу.. ведь когда то Jeff был очень близким мне другом.. я думаю он это не забыл..

В колонках играет - The Killers - Uncle Jonny

[689x522]

looks like i got engaged.. though it's sort of unbelievable.. i will try not to thing about it 24/7.. i mean, maybe he wasn't serious.. or maybe im thinking about it too much.. we'll see what happens in december..

[250x188]
just came home from the riots... i could have been killed at least 3 times tonight.. the fucking police shot tear gas bombs and rubber bullets right into people's heads.. i saw how police was beating the shit out of innocent people who wanted to surrender.. i almost got abused too.. luck helped me out.. but my hands are still shaking and i cannot relax.. can't sleep either.. two men who were helping me to get away from the police, were attacked and almost killed right in front of my eyes.. other people were shot, one was shot with a tear gas bomb, and he collapsed right there immediately.. i did not see him standing up nor moving his body.. i think he died..
tonight there was, and maybe still is, a civil war on the streets of Budapest.. i can still hear the gun shots.. and all those frightened screams.. it was horrible.. i can't believe im still alive.
[500x336]

[395x363]
im playing with fire these days.. i know i will never do anything that i might regret later, but my emotions are screwed up, and im so lonely so i demand company.. began to hang out with jeff and nino.. mainly we discuss their music while drinking.. and in a way im getting addicted to them.. trying to hold on to anything that reminds me of tim.. and they were his friends.. they remind me of him a lot.. i think im going crazy..
this rock star lifestyle is addicting.. during this week i got drunk 3 times, twice in a row.. and i enjoyed it.. i can see why tim wanted to spend his time with those guys.. it's just at the end of the night im going home alone.. no one is waiting for me.. this loneliness is becoming unbearable.. i want to see tim, i want him to be here, with me, next to me, always.. i miss him very much..
i just wish time would go faster so we could be together again..

had some fun with jeff... surprise, surprise.. it was like in the good old times.. when we were close friends.. maybe we can be like that again..

пьяная... пиздец...

life has its unexpected twists of fate.. 3 months ago i was worrying about meeting Tim's parents, i had no idea what would they think of me.. what we would talk about.. i played that scene in my mind thousand times...
but then Tim fell.. and i didn't care about my perfect scene of first impression anymore..
it's unbelievably difficult to meet your boyfriend's father in a hospital, inside the intensive care department where the man you both love is dying.. i will never forget that lifeless, gray room... all the tubes filled with blood sticking out of Tim's helpless body.. his face was still, eyes never moved.. he didn't breathe..
doctors were sure that Tim would die.. i could see it.. the "im so sorry" sign was written all over their foreheads.. i hated them all.. but i never believed or even thought about Tim dying.. i was so sure he'd survive.. don't know what i would've done if he wouldn't come back..

i don't feel good.. can't get over the whole thing.. he was so close to death, i almost let him go.. my world collapsed.. this huge loss, fear, grief is still in me.. i can repress it, but i can't get it out of my system.. i hope, with time, it will just disappear..

В колонках играет - Pixies - Where is my mind

[480x286]

наконец-то скачала фотки на комп... некоторые добавила в фотоальбом.. соскучилась по Ульяновску..
[700x525]

we had a nice conversation today.. im sooooooo in love, i feel like i could fly.. right into his arms and stay there forever !!
[697x450]

"Мы ценим, когда теряем и теряем, когда не ценим..."

im trying to call Tim all day long and no one is picking up the phone in his room... i called 11 times already and still nothing.. pisses me off badly.. i start worrying.. what is going on?

"..i drink up and think up a toast to numb the hours
to get through without you is so hard today
cuz it's my unhappy anniversary
but i lie saying it's just another day
this is my unhappy anniversary
wishing you were here same time next year.."
[500x333]

[385x346]

i miss him.. i miss him so much, that i can't think about anything else.. i don't feel pain, i feel empty.. as if one huge part of me was torn out, taken away from me and i cannot get it back, no matter how hard i try... like there is a wall i can't break through.. and he's there, on the other side of that fucking wall... waiting for me.. can't understand why im not there.. perhaps he's forgeting?

every inch of my body and soul is screaming, but this fucking silence cannot be broken.. he can't hear me.. nobody can.

school sux.. morning class is a bitch.. i need a break..

im learning all about my life by looking through his eyes..
[564x377]

obviously i am paranoid... deep inside i still trust Tim and believe in his love.. it's just so hard being here, without him, unable to share my concerns with him... i feel like i didn't see him for a year, eventhough it's been only 12 days.. though the last time i saw him normal was two months ago...  i just wish that Tim will heal fast, without having any major impairments..

[260x425]
stressing myself out with stupid thoughts... i was so sure that Tim didn't cheat on me while i was in russia.. and now, after cleaning the flat, and finding weird stuff, i am not sure anymore.. trust is a fragile thing.. why would he break it again? just the thought of it makes me sick... but im fighting those ugly thoughts, because i know Tim.. we love each other.. he wouldn't repeat his mistakes.. he wouldn't hurt me that cruelly again..
you never know what happens when you're not there...
let's just say he's innocent until proven guilty...
we have so much to discuss.

i had a dream about Tim.. it was very intense and dark.. not a nightmare though.. it was so real.. like he was right here with me.. i slept for 14 hours, didn't want to wake up... and when i got out of bed, my nose started bleeding.. couldn't stop it for about 10 minutes.. i can still taste the blood in my mouth..
i want to be with him but i can't.. i want my life back with Tim in it.

[267x400]
"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

В колонках играет - Johnny Cash - Hurt