Во всем есть свои положительные черты. Если человек безразличен, то ему никто не сможет причинить боли. Но и заживить вековые раны никто не сможет. Если человек открыт, то он не будет держать свою боль внутри, и всегда найдется тот, кто его поддержит, но такого человека куда легче ранить. Мы можем закрыть дверь своего сердца для всех. Но нельзя забывать, что у нас клаустрафобия...
Леша плавно нажал на педаль. Машина медленно остановилась. Пробки в это время - обычное дело. Каждый день людей съезжаются со всего города сюда с одной только целью: покричать друг на друга, помахать кулаком из окна, просто отдохнуть пол часа под предлогом траффика. Зазвонил мобильый. Леша лениво протянул руку к "хенд фри" и нажал кнопку.
- Да?
- Леш, это я.- произнес мягкий мужской голо.- Ты скоро будешь?
- Нет, Саня. Наверное, это затянется надолго. Здесь пробка километровая. Долго,наверное, ждать прийдется. Что там с ней?
- Ничего не поменялось. В сознание не приходила. Врачи молчат. К ней не впускают.
- Ненавижу машины!- Леша ударил по рулю со всей силы.
- Леш... Все будет хорошо... Приезжай скорее...
Машины не двигались. На лицах некоторых водителей застыла злобная гримаса, а некоторые разводили руками, разговаривая по телефону, наверное, заверяя, что скоро будут. Погода уже несколько недель как не баловала солнцем, а сегодня решила совсем испортить настроение: полил дождь. Леша посмотрел на фотографию на панели: голубоглазая девушка с курносым носом улыбалась оттуда. Из его глаз покатили слезы...

Аня открыла глаза и увидела над собой белый потолок. Пульс резко участился. Она потянула руку к голове, но рука не слушалась ее. Она попыталась приподнять голову, но и эта попытка успехом не увенчалась. В комнату вбежала медсестра. Аня только быстро моргала. Медсестра взяла ее за руку и ввела успокоительного. Если бы ее не парализовало, она бы здесь все разнесла, подумала медсестра. Аня перестала моргать. Зрачки застыли. Прибор издал унылый писк...

Пробка рассосалась. Мобильный снова зазвонил. Леша увидел на экранчике имя: "Сашка". Но трубку не поднял. Он все понял. Саша просто так звонить не будет. Не в его это принципах. Он припарковался, вышел из машины и перешел через дорогу. На лавочке сидел грязыейободраный мужчина лет пятидесяти. Дождь неумолимо лил. Леша снял пиджак и накинул бомжу на плечи: "Возьмите...". Леша протянул ему ключ от машины. Тот испугано посмотрел на него, и вскочил. "У меня жена умерла... Ее машиной сбило. Спрячте это. Выбросьте. Чтобы никто не нашел...". Бомж осоловело и испуганно глядел на него. Леша развернулся и пошел. Конечно, все будет хорошо, подумал Леша. Но не на этой земле...

Испоконвеку так сложилось, что люди используют звуки. Буквы характеризуют звуки, и складываются в слова. А со словами можно сделать много чудесных вещей. Иногда они складываются в неземную квинтессенцию восхищения, а иногда - в низкую дисгармонию проклятий. Одни научились говорить слова, и подумали, что этого им будет достаточно. Другие складывают стихи и прозу, и им этого мало. Мало средств, мало слов, мало того, что кажется таким обыденным и таким простым обывателю.
Почему-то люди любят стихи. Говорят, что когда человек пишет стихи - это особенное состояние его души. Говорят, что стихи рождаются в сердце человека. Они льются потоком, стремящимся к океану произведений, и только некоторые понимают, что они являются далеко не гениями-самородками, не единственными навека, а частью круговорота, частью независимой, но совершенной системы. Частью искусства, если хотите.
А те, кто поняли, что они-часть системы, меняют свое отношение. Им незачем гордиться собой. В этом нет смысла. Нет повода для деструктивной критики. Есть смысл работать. Работать для того, чтобы ты не остался незамеченым, чтобы твой ручеек мог позволить напиться не только узкому кругу друзей, знакомых и родственников, а затронуть всех интересующихся, жаждущих людей. Людей, которым надоели рамки обыденности и оковы безликости. Людей, которым наскучило читать бульварные газеты, дешевый таблоид, поверхностные романы или нескладные, но жутко популярные детективы. Людей, которые будут уважать других не из-за Валового Внешнего, а из-за Внутреннего... И такие будут всегда. Их можно будет узнать. Вы их не пропустите. Они даже не скрывают этого...

heah! i forgot about my dairy. but now i'm again here and i can write
something. i have a lot of things to wirte. actually, i want to say that
i really like my university. and i really like this life. i really like
to read books and listen the musis and thanks to the Lord, Who created
all this world with His Wisdom and strengthened it on His Power! thank
You, my God!

and i want to write about the book that i am reading. i really want to
read "night watch", but i don't know where to get it. so, i'm reading
Elderege... and here's a qoute "most of us are afraid of our gudance,
our intuition, our 'hunches'. we try to close our mind to them, thereby
incerasing our restlesness and losing the benefit of the heavenly
warning that would tell us when and how to pray". so, i want to think
about it and write something. really, how often we rely on our intuition,
or something that we call this way, and we are successful? i think that
almost always. why? because the things are not what they seem. because
there is a war beyond our survey and there is something that we can't
understand, but we can rely on. but why do we close our mind for all
this things and why the woman's intuition is more known then man's one?
i think that because sometimes women are more brave then men and
sometimes their way of doing is "unlogical" for men. but frequently
they are successful. so, let's arm with our intuition and use it in
our lives?..

some thoughts about the team. sure, work in team and teamwork
makes our life faster, but that's so hard. sometimes that's easier
for me to do something by own then to plan everything with team. so,
do we need to be in team, that's the core question of my today
imagination, because today will be the meeting of team and first group
in this semester.

firstly i want to write some causes, some reasons of dufficulties of
teamwork. first difficulty is our egoism :) yeah! that's it. our "I"
and all constrained stuff. everything that we don't want to fix in
ourselves and everything that we wasnt to fix in others, but they
don't want to listen our words. the second cause is our complexes,
and hardness of asking for help.

but. teamwork is not asking for help. that's partnership. and even if
you ask somebody to help you, that's not actual help for yourself,
that's work for team's success. and we need to understand, that
final result is not our own, but the result of efforts of all team
members, and we can't be pride of it, even if this idea belonged to
us. :)

"Whether or not, people are aware of the fact, they cannot live without myth, nor they reach rull stature as people without myth"

what's the life? is there only the eating of the food and drinking of some drinks, going to the work and looking for the estate? or it is something deep and something that we can't understand by our mind and can't see with our eyes? i think that it is! and life with myth is full lify. we can't live without it. we need something to believe in. there is an emptiness in every man on the Earth and we need to fill it with something: with God, with our faith, ideology, with myths. i we don't, it begins to fill with other stuff: with work, books, things, music, and drugs.]

drugs are not only the narcotic substanses, but it can be everything that makes us feel happy. but we can't be happy without God. that's impossible. we can fill the hole with stuff, but it will be injurious for us. it will be cruel, it will destroy ourselves, because our prediction is to be filled with the Spirit of God and the process of decay happens if we not.

but be filled with GOd doesn't mean fulfilment of some commandments or just reading Bible and spiritual books. it means live with full life, it means living relations with living, loving God. it means living in eternity right now. but how we can live in eternity now, when we are in our flesh and when our sinful nature trying to submit us? that's really good question. i don't know how to answer it. but i know what's that relations. no, i don't want to say that i have a greatest relations with God in this worls, or that i am constant in my relations with Him. but i know how to start this relations. He said: "call me and i will answer you imediately". He said that if we will call Him, He will be near us. i know that this is the key, but i don't know how to learn to use it in my everyday life, because my flesh wants to fill the emptiness in me with stuff like internet, books, films and it doesn't want to fill this hole with eternity. but my spirit wants. and spirit will won this battle. in time. mabye, not today... but soon... because "sinful nature you battle is not who you are".

what's that heart? who can understand it and recognize its meaning? i can't. i think that heart is place where our thoughts are stored. place where true feelings are exist. i don't know, why, but only few of things can get in our heart: death, leaving, meeting, birth, good film, good song, hot words, dramatical book, blame, condemnation, slander, hypocrisy. we preceive this world by our mind. our mind forms thoughts and then thoughts can get in our heart.

"who needs the heart that can be damaged?" - Tina Turner. yesterday after 23:00 Alena Mazur called to me and we had great conversation. i think that she is my good friend and she quoted me this cite. sure, who needs such heart? if somebody would build the wall, he will build strong wall. and if our heart is easy-damaging, then, mabye, there is some problems with stability of our heart? and only when we close our heart to all bad things, it becames strong an full of joice. sure, we mustn't close it for the death death and leaving, or some sincere, hearty scenes, or occasions, but we need to close it for the slander and hypocrisy of others... i think so...

"If we believed that we can do everything, we would follow Him anywhere". yeah. that's right. if our heart is full of God's peace and His leading, then we can listen it and act according it. but we should be careful, because the voice of heart is quiet and sound of desire in not loud :|. but if we know, that this is desire of our heart, we can follow our heart with no doubts.

forgiveness.
pastor told a story. two sisters were sitting on the couch. one of them was crying. she said to second "i want to love you again".
that's true forgiveness. when somebody hurts us, we can't leave our damaged (oh..) heart, and we can't love our offender then. but true forgiveness is desire to love again...

pride.
pride is trying to settle in our heart. sometimes it does... but if we don't be attentive and careful, we will not recognize pride and it will defeat us. proud people won't be free. even in Jesus Christ. because they are slaves of themselves. pride is desire to plase oneself higher then God, or replace God...
we can't worship God without bowing down. and we need to be humble. we need to want blessings for others! we need to have a desires towart neighboring...
humble are blessed, because they will see the Lord...

that's all 4 today...

today our cat died. i thought that he is white bastard, but when he began to ache, i felt that i love him. not because he is beautiful, but because he is the part of our family, because he is our little kitty. no. o knew that i loved him before, but almost every day he made surprises that made me mad. but his death was a great wound for my mom. she is a doctor and yesterday she spent whole the day near him, because he was lying and crying.

i saw the great example of Christian unconditional love. because she can give all her time for the sick creature. when her mother was sick, she spent a lot of time with her. when other people are sick, she can do everything to help them, even if it can damage her. as for me, it is great!

yesterday i went for a walk with player :) nice company, isn't it? and i spent cool time for alone. but i know that God was near. when i listened Christian songs, smile came over my face and i began smile. i listened the song of Piage "You can turn the darkness into the light". and it was cool. i can't say that i saw a miracle, but it was special.

then i came home and my shabbat began! i red the book of Elderege. i red about the book of Romans. he wrote about one of the names of Jesus in New Testament. This name is "The Last Adam". And he explains this word in details. he begins to tell something about people. and that's interesting. he writes first about us that we were the living statues of God, the bearers of God's image in ourselves. then He writes about the Adam, that through the sin of one man sin entered the live of people. but Paul writes that if through the disobediense on one son entered the live of people, than through the obedience of Christ God will forgive us and give us much more that we had...

"sky is falling... everybody, save yourself...."

"In hope beyond hepe, characters of fairy tales all transformed into the very thing they never could be".

it was mere day. today guys turned back from the CCX camp in Crimea. i've met them. they said that it was really cool camp. they said about Rita and Alena that they were incredible: cool, but hard. that's in their style. there were 10 people from Lugansk. now Lugansk is kind of Champion. Praise Lord. that's His incredible and unbelieveble work in our city. i hope that these people now understand the meaning of student's movement and they will help us to make a fish week and i hope that this year will be more fruitful for our city than last one...

then i had a great conversation with Anya. oh. i just told her about my letter to Ann from Belorussia. i have wrote something about friendship. i wrote a lot of different thoughts about friends and friendship at all. Anya wrote that friends can cheat us, or hurt us, or when we want to help them, they can think, how to take something that they need from us, and even if we want to give our live for them they can kill us. ok. these all are only images, i understand. sure, we all are people and we can cheat one another, or we can lie, or something else. i don't want to think about my friends like about somebody that can cheat me, hurt me, or do something evil for me...

i think that something that we call "feelings" are not "feelings" at all. that's better to use word "emotions" to explain this image. and i want to understand the "decisions" under the word "feelings". something eternal, or quite long, when i say that "i will love, or i wil have a relations with this man"...

also i think that only we can be a friend for somebody, and never we can be sure that somebody is our friend. althought i can call somebody "friend". friends are the people whom i love and for who i've made a dicision that i will be with them for whole my life.

it was quite a hard day. now, when i can understand the friendsip, i have a key for people. how to find myself now? i don't know this. but it will be easy for me if i will be with God.

now something about Lena K. i don't know, what had happend between us, but it looks like that's all right, but i feel a barier to talk with her. i don't know, why, but that's it. i don't want to spend a time with her. i know, that she is good person and that's all right with her and that we were good friends for each other. it was time when i refused to look at the people like on the book, but now i think that people are like books. at first we see only the cover, then we see the table of content, then something deeper, and then we can read this book and... then.. that's end... something happens... but i think that it will be all right. i just need some time for imaginations, mabye, without her.

i need to go to dantist today. and today is the first working day. i hope, that this day will bring a lot of cool thoughts. i told Nadya (Simamoto) that there is a time of imagination in my life. i don't know, why, but that's true.

who are the friends? are they only people with wich you relate only to bring joy to yourself, or friends are they, for wich i would die. am i good friend or i am bad at all? is there something good in me or it is wicked and broken? i can't find answers on these questions, because this questions are the answers for themselves.

i think that our character and our self can be changed only in silence, in imagination. that's when there is a great battle, or better to say, struggle in your heart. it happens when all of your friends and all people in this world are away, far away from you. it happens when you stay alone, one on one with your heart and God begins to tell something to your heart. no. He is talking to your heart every day, but when you stay alone, you begin to listen and hear, what's there in your heart. shurelly, you can meet somebody and begin a great discussion or you can go to computer club and muffle the voice of your heart, that is silent anyway. or you can listen to this voice and then you will hear this simple and in the same time hard heart questions...

so, who are the friends? i don't know. i think that they are the most important people in this world, they are the people, for who you can do something, and you wish to do this for them. friends are they who answer with reciprecity on every your word. that's hard to find friends. or no. that's impossible to find a friend. it must be natural...

who am i? am i computer designer or journalist or somebody else? what is my profession? what i am looking for in this world. i remember that couple of month ago when i heard that all the people ask such question, question of identity, in the age of 17-23. and i said then that i haven't asked this question, because i thought that everything is clear, i had a plan for my life for 5 years. but now i am on the dead end. no, that's not the apocalypse, but that's time when i must turn off the dead end, recognize, establish my identity and begin to go to the very point...

but now i know that God loves me. and that's important. some days ago Anya and Olya said about their world view, that: "there is Somebody, or Something that loves me, despite everything"... and i know that Jesus Christ, my God and Savior loves me very much and He will take care of me and He will help me to put priorities on right places. so. God loves me. and i love God. why? because He is my dear Fahter and He is the sence for my life, and now i want to find a shape, how i will live this life, full of sence...

i've just come home after the railway station, and then we were sitting with Ann and talking about Olya :) quite fun.
today i've red the chapter about the transformation. there is a lot of tales that are talking us about the transformation. almost all of the tales are talking about transformation...

u know. i've never felt it before. or no. i have. one time. why? why did the people begin relations? i've met Anya and Olya just couple of days ago, but they became my friends so fast and easy...

the weather is fine today. i want to tell something about today Church meeting. Sergey was talking about prayer and about word "saint". it was really cool. we were talking also about the meaning of the Church and its purpose. i think that we need Church to share our faith in Christ with others and just try to draw near to God through the relations with brothers and sisters.

for me, Church is the place where i can sit and start my imagination, or stop thinking about dairy problems and dive into the spiritual world. still the Church is the place of confession. i don't want to talk about confession in orthodox churches, but i am talking about your own confession, something that is between you and God, and nobody else can know this... also today we had such practice as talking "God loves me" to each other. Sergey said such thing: "That's easier to say that God loves somebody, but that's harder to remember that God loves somebody". i don't know, why, but that's true!..

when i came home, i had a great conversation with my mom. she told me that it was time in her live when somebody told her about God, but now God talks to her. she is reading the book of Juliah Bloom "The book of Job", and she likes it. when she was talking to me, her eyes were filled with tears, and that was incredible... i think, that God likes our tears, and He gathers them into His hands and our tears is wery important for Him...

that's good. our God is good. today Olya is living to Hawaii. tomorrow it will be an ordinary day and it will be hard to remember that our live at all in non-ordinary and there is something beyond our seeing and sometimes beyond our understanding. and there is our Best Friend that is always near and He will be...

Elderegde wrote that the main mission of Christ is to heal heart-broken people. But i want to say that everybody of us is heart-broken. We are alone and lost in that big and great world.
Olya is living tomorrow. Yesterday i wrote the creative and gave it her today. It was really cool day, it was a cool weather, i red a cool chapter from the book and now i can sit and write something to my dairy. That's first record in that book.
I don't know, why do somebody want to read my dairy. That's my stupid and clever thoughts, not more. That's only explaination or realisation of my personality. That's my first expirience of writing down the dairy in english and in web...

I was thinking about today's Cristianity and about vitality of Christians. Why? Because i've found some hypocrisy, or that's just my imagination made this actions hypocritical? I was thinking about the students of seminary. Today i've finished printing of two works. They were similar. I can't believe in spiritual words that students have wrote there, i red this words and i think that their lives are not like they've wrote...
I don't know, am i judging them, or not, but i can't believe it. That's it. Though, sometimes my words are so spiritual.. or no. I've red letters and i was thinking, how spiritual is the sender of the letter, but then, when i began to reply, i wrote spiritual things too. Not because i wanted to be like somebody, but because i was thinking this way...

And.. that's cool to use English to explain my minds. I hope that in time i will be able to do it better, and better, and better.... Tomorrow it will be the Church meeting, Sergey will back from the Crimea. I want to sing one Kosyachkov's song, called "Song of the East".
Jenya went to the America today. I don't know, what am i think about this. I don't know, what must i feel about this. I know only that it will be all right if i will be with God and i hope that she will be with Him too... every day just looking at Him...

"Where is savinh faith come from? The heart. Which raises a troubling reality for all of us: you don't belong to God, you are not a Christian at all, until you engage your heart, believe with your heart".