so yesterday i spend all evening at the mohegan sun

i was tying to get over EVERYTHING and clear up my mind, but  IT DIDNT' HAPPEN, cause random ppl kept on calling me......damn, i should have left my cell at home....anyway, he called too....he said he was going to atlantic city by himself.....and maybe it all was too soon , and maybe i am wright  for saying no, and now he wants to see me on Christmass.......

funny, i travelled so many miles away to clear up my mind, and he still was  in my head....especially after that stupid call.....arrr,  i hate cell phones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck him, i cant do it

I AM GOING TO THE CASINO ON MY OWN......NOW!!!!

gone

i dont know whats going on with me.........

i've got the job that i wanted! that was easy!! and so yesterday i went out with him to celebrate it......we went bowling , movies and than he drove me home.....than we spend like an hour making out in his car , and i totally went for it.....althrough he said i was very cold towards him in the beginning and than he asked me if i was a virgin....i said yes , and he said i guessed so.....

weird, but i wanna have sex with him so badly........he told me his wish (since i lost to him in bowling) , that he wants to go atlantic city for 2 days and he wants me to go with him.....and than he told me that we will have to sleep in one bed if i go.....

it is so not me, but i really wanna go......i dont know what to do

"Я человек тяжелой судьбы и легкого поведения"

i cant believe how everything fast changes in my life.........unbelievable

today was my last exam and there for my last day with college.....it was great :) first, joe out of no where, brought me a dvd.  He said since i like french movies, he got me one....Wow, i certainly didn't expect that !!!! Man, he must really like me.......

any way, will called and we started to role play on a phone, we would leave each other psyco messages, like he is a mediator and i am his sick patient with a problem.......it was fun...hehe

i think, i will give a change to viljon, he called me after the test and said he wanted to see my cute face.....so i guess he kinda likes me, well will see, i will go with the flow , sort of speaking

daniel called, out of no where, i was so suprised, man i didnt speak with him for god knows how long....and he called me to ask if i know anything about mortgages cause he is buying a house....sucker......i wanna buy a house too!!!

anyway, tomorrow is my big day, i have to prepare

i cant study, fucking crash......

talked to irina yesterday, she said i sound and act desperate, sadly, but i am

and the scariest thing is that i am trying to run away from myself : i even have a plan in my head already,  -----i actually have a few, either to go to spain, to urkaine or  take my car and drive to another state just to be by myself.....

scary, haha, now that i read it over, i realize what an idiot i am......

p.s. she is my great friend , and joe offered his help with my emotional problems, he said he is a great listener and if i need someone to talk, i can call him............funny....

i feel like i am a walking case for a psychologist

fuck it all - after monday i will be a grown up

so i have a crazy idea.....

one our first date, i told him that this summer i wanna go to spain and travel on my own....i said i love to travel and than he offered me : " lets go together to spain, this winter"

and now i am thinking, why the hell not!!

it would be the best graduation gift for myself ever, even if he backs up and and says i was joking, i still wanna go, i might go on my own,

well, will see how this interview on tuesday will go, and if i get a job, i think i will do it!!!!

yes, i might go to spain, in january

The hardest day in my life....................

I almost felt suicidal when i woke up this afternoon. Man, was i wrong. I dont even know why i am so harsh on myself. 

I went to see him today, we ended up going to this italian restaurant. He first wanted to go to this turkish restaurant but it was closed, so he called his friends who work in the intalian restaurant and we went there. It was really nice, we had a 3 mean course for lunch.  He had his friends there, and i felt jealous, yes jealous, ...........jealous that he had such good friends and i dont. ......than he started sharing stories about his ex's and than again i felt even more jealous...........jealous that he has ex's and i dont................that he had so much fun and exprience in life and i dont.....................i even felt like maybe i am living my life wrong............i felt like i am here just for sex and that it is all he wants from me................i dont know, i might be wrong........i know my problem is that i dont open up to ppl enought,  i think this is what i need..........so i went home, rolled into my bed and fell asleep for about an hour, so i can get all these ideas out of my mind, now i am writing them down

i made first step, i send joe a letter with my phone number, saying that i want to be friends with him, i hope i wont regret it.

i think i am too harsh on myself , for no reason, so i decided to think about all the facts that i love about myself , and no more negative ideas. I cant change my negative sides in one day, but if i can praise my positive sides, maybe i will be easier  for me to work on myself....

so here you go: things that i love about myself.:

- i am smart

- i am attractive

- i can be funny

-i can be a freat , carrying friend

- i know how to make things work in life

- i am very simple

- i love to travel and read cheesy love books

- i can enjoy simple things in life

- i know how to take care of myself

- i've graduated from college without any problems

- my councelor loves me, and tells me " whats not to like in you"

- older  people tend to like me and find me cute

- ira thinks that i am great, and i know olga envies me

- my mother thinks that i am beautiful

- i believe in myself

- i have my down sides, but i have my up sides as well

- i can entartain myself

- i am trying to love myself....and i will .......cause i feel that if i dont love myself, no one will, so i will start with myself

Two lessons learned:

- DONT DOUBT YOUR SELF, LOVE YOUR SELF

- OPEN UP TO PEOPLE, DONT BE AFRAID TO GET HURT, EVEN IF YOU WILL, IT WILL MAKE YOU EVEN STRONGER IN LIFE, ITS A TIME TO STOP HIDING FROM PEOPLE

1.  Stop all criticism:  Criticism never changes a thing.  Refuse to criticize yourself.  Accept yourself exactly as you are.  Everybody changes.  When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative.  When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

2.  Don't scare yourself:   Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts.  It's a dreadful way to live.   Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

3.  Be gentle and kind and patient:   Be gentle with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Be patient
with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking.  Treat yourself as you would someone you
really loved.

4.  Be kind to your mind:   Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts.  Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts.  Gently change the thoughts.

5.  Praise yourself:   Criticism breaks the inner spirit.  Praise builds it up.  Praise yourself as much as you can.  Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.  

6.  Support yourself:   Find ways to support yourself.  Reach out to friends, and allow them to help you.  It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

7.  Be loving to your negatives:   Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need.  Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs.  So. lovingly release the old negative patterns.

8.  Take care of your body:   Learn about nutrition.  What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality?  Learn about exercise.  What kind of exercise can you enjoy?  Cherish and revere the temple you live in.

9.  Mirror work:  Look into your own eyes often.  Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself.   Forgive yourself looking into the mirror.  Talk to your parents looking into the mirror.  Forgive them, too.  At least once a day, say: "I love you, I really love you!"

10.  LOVE YOURSELF - DO IT NOW!   Don't wait until you get well or lose the weight, or get the new job, or find the new relationship.  Begin NOW - do the best you can.

HE CALLED !

HE CALLED!

HE CALLED!!!

- Ну что ж, могу вас поздравить! В вас зародилась новая жизнь!
- Доктор... но я же мужчина!!!
- Да? Ну собственно глистам на это как-то пофиг...

Идёт пьяный мужик по тёмному переулку вдоль забора, а на встречу ему молодая девушка. И вот проходит она мимо мужика, он хватает её и ставит к забору раком, а она у него спрашивает:
- Может мне брюки снять?
Мужик:
- Не, я так перелезу...

-Дорогой, где ты был?
-Бегал..
-Всю ночь??

- У Вас видеокассеты с записью есть?
- Есть, а что Вас интересует?
- Какие-нибудь ужасы, желательно, пострашней - мне для пятилетнего ребенка!