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Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways. You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you don't care. But that does not make you a bad person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a little more. Trust me life hurts, most people who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt. But don't worry, life is pain, its also pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you? <BR> brought to you by Quizilla

Bloody optimistic quiz writers.

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Ok. You are one hell of an angel. You are a
vampirish angel. You murder in the night, and
are quite proud of your achievements. You have
a naturally blood thirsty and malevolent mind.
But that's just you. You are dark and powerful,
if a little blood thirsty. You are both and
angel and a vampire. But you will never be
either. You feed from the innocent, and glide
away from the world of mortals. You are unique,
and have a gift for poetry. You are
manipulative, and are cunning and quick minded.
You are a sharp person. One that should never
be under estimated, and if you are, that person
will be your next feed. Congrats. You are
certainly original. Extremely rare and one of a
kind.

But you might want to lessen on the blood. You
might destroy the world at this rate.


What Type Of Angel Have You Become?<BR> brought to you by Quizilla

Must be something to do with the fact that I'll probably be doing Choi again soon. I've got my energy back, I'm back to the levels that I was before I started Uni. I'm hoping that I'm not gonna drop back down again, but if it takes too long to get to teach again then I know that I might.

Can't wait to get back to teaching, something that I actually know that I'm good at, and which I can do without thinking. The authority over other people doesn't hurt either, but its just a secondary thing, and the exercise and violent outlet is useful. For some reason letting stuff out in a class is actually useful, and lets me get rid of it, while battering bits of myself against inanimate objects doesn't do quite the same thing.

Bunny

Interesting, for some reason I feel inspired to write. Must be a mix of sleep dep, fucked up situations, aching muscles, and pain. Have to remember that recipe in future, or possibly to avoid it. Anyway, you lucky people are the fortunate recipients of the tripe that I write, so here we go.

The corridor was a pristine, clean white, disinfectant still fresh and strong in the air, masking the scent of violence and human decay that so often hung around the place. Even the quiet moans and whimpers that came from the rooms lining the corridor seemed clean and sanitised.

The soft clicking sound of the nurse's heels and the faint whisper of the wheelchair on the tiles were the only sounds. The man in the wheelchair hung limp in his bonds, heavily sedated. His head rested on one shoulder, a thin stream of drool running down his grizzled cheek, vanishing into the thick, grey beard that hung around his face. Occasionally he twitched, but never made any sound as he was led to his room.

The rhythmic clicking of heels on floor stopped. The nurse released the chair, stepped forwards, and unlocked a door, pushing the man in the chair inside. She untied his bonds, tipped the chair forwards to let the man fall to the soft, padded floor, and left the room, the door closing behind her with a barely audible click.

For a long time the man lay there, a crumpled heap on the floor, the only thing protecting his modesty being a thin green hospital gown. After a short time he moved, pushing himself up and looking around, his kindly blue eyes frightened and scared. He rose to all fours, and crawled quickly into the furthest corner from the door, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

Outside the door two doctors stood with clipboards, watching through a small window in the heavy material.

"Kind of sad really. Another one who thinks he's God incarnated. Slight oddities in that he had very little religious knowledge, and they're usually better than Bible scholars for that type of thing, but there you go. I recommend we keep him under observation for a while and see what comes of it."

The accompanying junior doctor nodded. He always nodded when the senior doctor suggested anything. Nodded and took notes. After all, an older, more experienced doctor was more likely to be right than he was, and he wanted to become a senior doctor himself one day.

After a time they left the poor lunatic alone in his cell. Inside the padded room, he looked up as they left, eyes sad and lonely, muttering to himself. Someone listening might have caught the mutters, but its unlikely they would have understood. It was a language that had not been spoken on Earth for thousands of years. Not since the tower of Babel was shattered in fact.

There ya go. I might continue this, or abandon it, or whatever.

Bunny

I feel like I've been beaten to a pulp, and not in a good way. Absolutely shattered, I think I've torn a muscle in my back from all of the digging, probably won't be going back tomorrow, need a little while to recover. Planning to go job-hunting instead. Working for my parents just isn't working out, at all. £100 a week is not enough to live on when you have to pay back £400 in payments each month, and the commissions just aren't coming in. I'll start jobhunting tomorrow, and tell them on Wednesday, since they apparently want to have a 'chat' then. Yay.

I just feel like I'm struggling to drown slower. I can't make enough money on my own to get out of debt, not by a long way. I just can't do it by myself. I've practically stopped eating simply so that I can save a little more money. I can barely sleep due to all sorts of worries about everything. I just don't know how to do anything but keep slogging on, and keep drowning at the same slow, but definite rate.

Several times I've been so tempted to just run for it. Draw out what little cash I've got, and just do a runner somewhere else, start over. I can't though, I can't bring myself to just give up so easily. The thing is, I don't want to give up the first real social life I've had in years, no matter how strange or messed up it may be. Not only that, but I really, urgently want to get the fuck out of that house. I can barely stand it. I constantly feel like I'm suffocating while I'm there, but I feel tied to the place because my parents have invested so much money in it.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. It'll be nice just to be away for a few days, able to forget about everything back home and just enjoy myself. Well, maybe not forget about everything back home, but at least get some distraction from it. I would so love to just give up and quit, but can't let myself, because if I start running from things then I'll never stop. Same as if I let myself do certain things, or even just drop a few conditions. If I lose my self-control, then I'll end up dead or in prison, or in an asylum. Can't afford for that to happen.

Bunny

Feeling distinctly odd, at best. Last night, despite having access to the bed, I still slept on the settee, not sure why, since once again this morning I am was in fairly savage pain until I actually forced myself to move enough to work out some of the aches. Woke up at six this morning, after finally getting to sleep about four. Don't feel tired at all, which can't be a good thing.

Been a distinctly odd day. Didn't actually get out of bed until three, when I ran up to help Annie to the police station to collect her bag. Apparently it was found at St John's graveyard. Interesting how these things happen, isn't it?

I'm guessing that various assumptions were made at the vampire game, and these are incorrect, I think. Ah well. Anyway, the game was okay, lots of pointless discussion as is usual at the first session. Not much happened. Has potential though. Interesting to be playing a non-broken character for once as well.

Was gonna see about kipping here at Mike's rather than going home, but they have a guest visiting, so the room I use will probably be taken, so I guess I'm going home.

Don't know what to think at the moment, so I'm trying not to.

Bunny

What would it take?
What would it need?
Would it be just one more little push?
And then I could leave.
I can't stand what I am,
What I was, what I've become,
I can't just give up,
Then He'll have won.

So often I look up,
With the eyes of a child.
I remember those days
When passions were mild.
No pain was as great.
No pleasure as strong.
Everything passed.
Is wanting that wrong?

I've seen far too much now.
Done too much wrong.
Dealt too many wounds,
And still its not done.
I can't let Him win,
If He exists at all.
I just can't give up now
No way but through
Push through the terror
Straight through the pain
Blood pouring down
Red running like rain.

Even now I can't say
All that I want.
I can't do the things
I know that I should.
I could run away
And leave it behind,
But I'd still have lost,
And I can't flee my mind.

There ya go, have some incredibly bad, incredibly depressing poetry. Hell, if you're reading this still, then its your own fault and not mine.

Feeling much better this morning. Had an odd ten minutes last night when I got somewhat depressive, but went back to normal when it was over. Hopefully gonna get some clothes today, and need to grab some groceries as well, either that or starve, though starving doesn't seem to be bothering me at the moment.

Anyway, it was a good night, despite missing the band, and I'm still recognised at the Station, which was nice.

My old manager seemed somewhat shocked though.

Bunny

Massive, reassuring ego boost last night. Self-confidence has been restored, which makes me feel a lot better. Doesn't help with a lot of things, but generally improves my mood. I feel all perky and cynical.

Thinking of selling my LT armour if I can get a good price for it, desperately wanting pretty coat. I feel like I've rediscovered me. Just don't quite know what's happening at the moment, but I've pretty much stopped worrying about most of it. Not all, but enough for the time being.

Anyway, spent most of today playing Whiplash and watching Futurama, and yes, that is both at the same time. I've also got a ltitle money, though once various things are paid off its going to be quite a bit less money. Still a start though. Can't wait for the Southampton cheque to come through and put me in the clear for a while.

Life is...okay. I can be satisfied with what I've got at the moment, even if I don't quite know what that is.

Bunny

Had a particularly vivid dream last night, one that rather worried me since it blended so perfectly with reality. Only giveaway was that after I actually woke up when the dream finished, and drove out to see if it had been real, the place wasn't there. It was kind of disturbing.

Anyway, I dreamt that I woke up sometime during the night, not sure when, got dressed and left the house. I drove around for a while and eventually stopped. Got out of the car and wandered over to a graveyard, in a part of Woking that I've never actually visited. Went in and lay down, and just lay there for a long time. More stuff happened, but I'll explain that later.

After a while me, and the person with me in the dream (sort of two people) got up, left the graveyard, and went back to the car. On the way that I was driving home they just stopped being there, then I got back home, curled up in bed, and went to sleep.

And then woke up, felt really confused for a moment, and went out again to see if I could find the place. There was a house instead when I got there, so I turned around, came back home, and went back to sleep.

Like I said, just plain strange.

Bunny

Been quiet so far, got a couple of people coming to the Scottish DSP course which is nice, though we're hoping for a lot more. Work's fairly dull at the moment, but not easy.

Still planning to go up to London before the end of the month to meet up with an old friend up there. Looking forward to it immensely.

Oh, and decided on a new name for my next character. Asinskaare. Now if I can just learn how to pronounce it...I can't make the appropriate rrr sound at the end you see. I'm expecting someone to go insane each time they hear my name mentioned. Gonna be fun.

I shall leave you all with incredibly bad poetry for your amusement:

At a distance its calm,
At a distance it works,
From far away you just can't tell
That's its actually beserk.
And when you can't see
That its chaos you can't fight,
You start to wonder,
You start to think,
That while in the day it won't work
You should take a look at night
Because when its dark and quiet
And you can't see the people
You can only see lights
You might start to feel
That its really alright.

Bunny