Spent a portion of today rushing from one medical centre to another. Of course, this was after a fun night where I managed to thrash around enough that I have a rather nasty bruise on my leg, and actually ripped the zip on the sleeping bag open. Took me twenty minutes to fix it. Broke my necklace as well, which is quite impressive considering the thickness of the chain. A pair of needle-nose pliers seem to have patched it though, I hope.

What else? Ah yes, spent a good long time charging around the garden sparring with staves and swords. That was fun, and I really think I needed it. Then helped make dinner at the house, and watched Kill Bill before heading home.

Wanna find a place to live. Preferably one with an actual spare room, or somewhere I can sleep, rather than just somewhere I spend most of my day. Would be nice to share a house with friends, but unfortunately that's not exactly on the cards.

Bunny

Never, ever touching Zopiclone again. I don't even dream most of the time. I do not want to have to deal with nightmares like that, on my own, on top of everything else. I'd prefer not to sleep than to go through that again.

Bunny

Barely hanging on. At least I've got something to concentrate on now. Need someone here to look after me, make me feel better, but no one I dare ask because right at the moment people have their own problems. Researching like a demon. Might sleep tonight, might not. Mustn't miss my counselling appointment tomorrow. Must remember to buy a new car battery. Must remember to cash my cheque as well.

Going back to fucking with stuff I barely, or just plain don't understand. Not what I need right now, but it has to be done. Need help, but don't want to bring anyone else in if I can help it. Too much risk. Even if I don't know what I'm fucking with at least I've dealt with the consequences of what I'm planning, and worse than I'm planning before.

Lovely taxi driver. Gave me a discount for telling him about Havoc. Apparently he didn't know it was every third Tuesday, so he was just hanging around and praying for customers. Most grateful. Three quid off. Down to Woking after midnight for a tenner. Not bad.

Dread to think what the counsellor's gonna think of this one. Don't want another emergency appointment tomorrow, since I don't think I'll have time. Also don't think I'll have much of a choice. Don't wanna go to the doctor's, but want something to keep me in a stable mood, stop the swinging and bouncing and crying and whimpering.

Shouldn't have had anything to drink tonight. Still, I barely had anything. Barmaid was kind enough to double the tia maria when I managed to open the bottle for her, without even charging anything. Doubt I'll sleep tonight. Taken the pill anyway. Hoping it'll take affect soon, but I'm still geared up into combat mode.

Things are a mess. Doubt they'll fix any time soon. Pity.

Bunny

So that everyone who it might affect knows at least part of what's going on with me at the moment, and hopefully explaining a little of why I'm in an odd mood most of the time, and rather needy.

This afternoon I received a phone call. Some years ago I was a member of a coven, for those who don't know, that's a group of people who do magic. Yes, I believe in magic, after all I've seen I've not really got any choice.

The phone call told me that I was the last member of this coven left alive. Ten of the members committed suicide, one was my girlfriend at the time that she did, another claimed to be in love with me. The other four died in car crashes, a fight, and from an accidental drug overdose.

I know that right now isn't particularly good timing, but I need people around me. Yes, its selfish, and I'm desperately trying not to be, but I just can't stand on my own any more.

Bunny

Been thinking a lot recently about death. When someone dies, what do they leave behind? I mean, what I'm thinking and saying are nothing new, no great new philosophy, its all been heard before, but still I want to say it anyway. A lump of meat that quickly degrades into nothing, some personal possessions that are scavenged by the survivors, and memories that fade within a generation to nothing.

I have spent an unhealthy amount of time hanging around graveyards, looking at the stones, trying to work out who the names were. There is nothing to give it away. All of those lives, reduced to nothing more than a few lines on a stone, all of that knowledge, that experience, discarded. Sometimes a few days experience, sometimes less. Sometimes as much as a century of life, just thrown away. A hundred years is not enough. Two hundred is still too little. A millenium is too short. Some of the people buried under those stones, dead hours after they were born, deserved to live. Some of the people buried there, a century after they were born deserved to die. Who makes the choices? Random chance? Some great being?

Who will take responsibility for us foolish children?

Bunny

Wrote some letters today. Only one person I trust enough to deliver them if they're ever needed, but at the moment I don't think I can ask that. I probably will anyway. Once again, on my own, cold, lonely, wanting company but scared to go out and find it in case I get hurt by the people I want to have around. Rapidly losing my mind, keep on seeing people when I wake up, people I know aren't there, but can see and hear and feel right there next to me.

One of the people I saw this morning is dead. I'm sure I'm losing my mind. I'm not sure what I'm going to tell the counsellor tomorrow. I don't want to be shut away, but at the same time I do just want to be kept safe from everyone, including myself, and no one else is capable of doing that for me, or willing, except for professionals. I don't know what I'll do if they do try to take me away. I hope that if they do, I don't hurt anyone. My life's fucked up enough as it is without having to fall back on an insanity plea to escape jail.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm tired, too tired, weary of everything and just about ready to give in and go to sleep . But I can't.

Fed up of being me, don't know how to be anyone else without help, and anyone who could help has too many problems of their own as it is.
Bunny

Its all got...disconnected.

Everythings going a bit odd. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. Everything's happening around me, and none of it touches me. It feels like I'm watching everything around me through glass, all of it falling apart, and none of it able to touch me.

I've stopped seeing people as people. Now they're simply constructions, there to be modified, played with, taken apart or put back together at will.

I broke an alarm clock today.

It was one of those old clockwork ones, old enough that it actually wound up with a key on the back.

I smashed the face with the hilt of a knife, bringing it down over and over until the glass shattered into tiny crystal pieces, felt the sharp edges bouncing from my hand, leaving it covered in tiny cuts that healed within seconds.

Then I started to tear it apart, pulling the metal casing away by force until the works were exposed.

I tried to undo it gently, and managed to take out a few cogs before something worked loose. There was the sound of the springs going, and they all uncoiled, into loose spirals of metal, sending gear wheels across the floor.

I've still got the gears. The clock's all quiet now, it won't wind again.

The gears look better than the clock ever did, those beautiful pieces of glass spread out on cloth. The clock was plain and ugly, but its pieces are beautiful.

Bunny

Actually quite dissappointed with the end of the Hannibal Lector series. The first two books were fantastic, Hannibal was a non-human, immeasurable monster. And then in Hannibal itself, he was actually revealed to be just this genius who had a fixation on a traumatic period in his life, but who was in fact simply insane. Really, really dissappointing. I was kind of hoping for him to just stay as this almost god-like figure throughout, and the bloody author had to make him just another human.

Anyway, chatting with people online, haven't done as much as I should've today but at least I'm feeling better. Bored beyond belief. More penniless than I realised, but hopefully my ISA will be cashed next week so I'll actually get money for LT, as well as enough to keep the credit card companies from the door, and pay off the parking ticket, and satisfy Blockbuster.

Damn. I gotta get money.

Bunny

Well, it seems that I've got to stop drinking for a month or so in order to let my liver recover. Way I feel at the moment, I can see why I want my liver to recover as well, not a nice feeling. Unfortunately that's my last coping mechanism taken away. I can't drink. I can't cut. I don't do martial arts at the moment. I've got absolutely no way to let things out, and given the stuff that just happened, I could really do with something right about now.

I hate being on my own when I'm ill, particularly when there's not even anyone online. I feel like absolute crap. I've got the hangover from hell, and its going to last until the last drop of poison is purged from my blod stream, which apparently might take several more days. Yay me.

Bunny

I so want to just give in, just let the world have its way and get myself locked somewhere nice and quiet. Everyone keeps telling me what a lovely person I am, how special I am to them. So if I'm such a lovely person and so special why the fuck is everything in my life going wrong?

I've been close to tears for a long time, on the edge of them constantly. I just feel so weary from having fought against them for so long and I just want to give in. I want to stop caring about the world and everything in it. I want to be just kept away from the world, or let it all end, and to be honest I don't really care which.

The one thing I don't get is why can't I?

Bunny

Someone asked me a while ago how I deal with things. Its quite simple really, whenever I get hurt, or upset, or anything similar, I turn it into anger. Anger I can handle, in lots of ways. I can hurt other people, though I feel worse about it afterwards than I did to begin with. I can hurt myself, which really helps, but I've been asked not to do that so I won't. Or I can just hit things, which calms me down for a little while. I guess I'm gonna be stuck just hitting things for a while.

So much going wrong. I'm not exaggerating when I saw that nothing seems to be going right. I might not be able to afford the CI course at this rate. So desperate to just give up, don't know why I can't, but I'm not allowed.

Bunny