Оголённые нервы...Бесконечные раздражители...Избыток ощущений и чувств. Абсолютно не ко времени, как раз сейчас нужно собраться и идти, строго следуя графику. Дни расписаны по минутам; нужно вытерпеть, не сломаться.

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Up...down...up...and down...up again and down again...
Time to restructure, rearrange...and keep on moving. By the end of 2008 my whole lifestyle is expected to drastically change. Tough times, lonely times;so much is ahead. For now, I need to find peace within myself.

I often ask people what love is in their understanding. I get many versions of this phenomenon. In my opinion love is a sacred emotional/physical connection, that will overcome every possible obstacle; I think no matter what, it is impossible to eradicate this connection, even willingly so. And most importantly it's unconditional - there are no expectations, it's just there.

Another thought. How often do we mislead ourselves and others, saying we love that person. Deep in the heart we know, that there's no love...we simply want to cling to this "happiness" because we are afraid of loneliness. We need to have someone to share our happy and not so happy moments with, we need that back-up person, when everything and everyone else turns away from us. So how many of us stay in those half-baked relationships day after day, year after year just because we don't want to feel left out?

We tend to assume things about people prematurely, we judge each other, we are biased. We are human. Disgustingly, erroneously human.
I've got another kick in the ass today...and got quite upset. Another reminder to refrain from making assumptions based on someone else's words. Back home we've had this neighbour, as far as I remember he always lived alone. He was an alcoholic, considered to be a total loser, and I don't ever remeber him having a permanent job of a any kind. He simply was strange. Well, as it turns out his house caught on fire a week ago and he suffocated there. What I didn't know was - he had a cat. He got some sort of a side-job just to get enough money to get his cat spayed, that's the guy who never really had a job. And I guess about a month ago he went to visit his sister-in-law, which lives about 15 mins away; he told her he wasn't feeling well and that he was in constant pain. He mentioned that he was worried about his cat and asked that in case of his death she finds a good home for the kitty. That's the only thing that was on his mind. That has totally surprised me and changed my opinion about him. They've seen the cat sitting on the roof, waiting for him. That woman doesn't want to take the poor cat and asked another sister-in-law, who lives next-door to the deceased man to take care of her. THe other woman doesn't like cats, but she agreed to feed her. I begged my mom to take the cat. The kitty is heart-broken and is living on the street. World is so cruel.

P.S. I test people that I newly meet and I let them into my life only if they are kind and empathetic to animals. Especially cats. And it's extremely important to me, because if someone can be cruel to a helpless animal(I'm not talking about self-defence in case of an uncalled animal attack), he has no reason to take another breath. As simple as that.

Тут такая ситуация...Уже давно считается нормальным то, что мои кот спит вместе со мнои - обычно свернувшись калачиком на подушке, прямо напротив моего лица.И обычно по утрам он начинал процесс моего пробуждения путем трения своеи мордахи о мое лицо, солидно исходя слюнои, мурча мне песенки о том, как он проголодался и пора бы уже его кормить завтраком. С недавних пор произошли непредвиденные изменения в нашеи рутине - теперь котяра спит не на подушке рядом со мнои, нет, он решил, что для обоих будет удобнее( и теплее), если он будет спать прямо на мне - растянувшись или на моем боку, или на спине, в зависимости в какои позе я сплю в очереднои момент. И теперь я стараюсь очень плавно менять положения тела во время сна, ибо не причинять неудобств моему зверю. На какие только жертвы не поидешь во имя любви к ближним...
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Вчера перед сном в моем мозгу неожиданно засела мысль - что судьба таки имеет место быть, а то как же иначе...Каждыи день у человека столько возможностеи кануть в небытие. Но нет ведь - проносит, иногда так и ходишь по лезвию бритвы, и на волоске тоже висишь, ан нет...не твои черед. Ехала вечером за рулем, и как минимум раз 5 за 20 минут могло произоити непоправимое, то пешеходы выбегают из неоткуда, то машина летит на тебя по встречнои, то подрезают прямо под самым носом...И ведь не не угадаешь какои из таких днеи может стать последним...

Вычитала обьявление в проф.журнале, что требуются Dental Hygienists на острове St Thomas, US Virgin Islands. 4 дня работы и остальные 3 дня лежать на пляжу. Сижу и которыи день уже не выходит из головы сумасшедшая идея. Пару месяцев назад искали так же работника в St.Moritz, Switzerland. что делать то?
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Many thanks to my online friends Fred_in_Westland, self-made, SergioY and Falshik for sincere Birthday wishes. You made me smile, I love you guys.

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Fluffy is gone. Negligence. I feel sad, angry and guilty. I love you Fluffy and I'm sorry that I haven't tried harder to help you. RIP.

I am a dental hygiene student, and I have to find my own patients. And not just anyone, but there is a certain amount and there are requirements about how periodontally envolved they should be(which basically means how bad their teeth and gums are). So...it's hard enough to find a person willing to come 1-4 times for 2.5 hr appointments and being accepted by instructors as a necessary requirement.

Anyways, my yesterday's patient totally screwed me over and she does not see any fault of hers in what happened.

Today I had another patient scheduled, he was an important requirement patient and it was supposed to be his last apppointment.He never showed up and his phones are off. I've left about 5 messages, trying not to lose my cool. Anyways, now I have to find another similar patient and my appointment times are extremely limited all the way till December.

In the meantime, trying not to waste another precious appointment time, I called my other patient. She could not come, but said her husband might, she just needed to call his cell to see if he was available. She was supposed to call back the clinic in a few minutes to let me know if her husband would come in. Here is the thing though, she is Russian and our front desk personnel speaks ONLY English, of course. I explained Mrs H the situation and went to my operatory. About 20 minutes later, front desk assistant comes back to me:" Venera, there's a russian lady on the phone for you." I go over, Mrs H has a phone in her hand, she hands it to me without a word. And there is my patient already apologizing in russian how sorry she was but her husband was stuck at work, I tried to add that it's OK, I knew it was a short notice, and that I'll see him next week. But the lady would not listen to me, she just kept on going with her speech, totally ignoring my words. After about a minute of a non-stop monologue she says"goodbye" and hangs up. I was lost. I cannot believe that she could be so rude to not answer my questions and just simply ignore me. So here I am thinking if I really want this strange patient in my chair. All this time Mrs H was standing right next to me, glancing at me from time to time with a weird expression on her face. So here I am all puzzled, and venting to Mrs H how weird this patient was on the phone, she just would not shut up, I could not even put a word in our conversation, she was just cutting me off and then just hung up etc. Mrs H looks at me and says:"Venera, it was a voicemail you were listening to. I assumed she left a message in russian and I could not understand, so I didn't erase this message, so you could hear it." Needless to say, I was on the floor after that phrase. It seems like these past couple of days are just on big prank on me and I want it to be over. I get it. :)

I'm shaking right now. And no, it's not because the temperature outside suddenly dropped. One day, too much crap. It started with a weird dream I had last night. I've been wanting to go on a cruise for a while now. So I had a dream that somehow me, my mom, my sister, and my father were on a cruise liner. The ride was very smooth, everything was absolutely amazing. Then the weather started changing and I cannot remember now how, but a few people fell over the board. The crew, instead of getting them back on the ship kept going, saying that there was a rescue crew on the water right behind our liner. So we kept on going, standing there by the railings and looking on the water, all of a sudden we are passing by a big flat rock sticking out of the water, covered with body parts and bloody water twirling over it. It dawns on me that another ship has just crashed there, and while I'm trying to catch my breath from what I've just seen, our ship suddenly rocks really hard, and all I could remember that I thought it was the end and started praying for a quick death. In the meantime the ship was rocking right and left, up and down for a few more minutes which seemed like forever. Huge waves of water were gushing onto the ship and quite a few people were washed off the ship. There was a huge frenzy, people were screaming. Then all the turmoil finally stopped, people started thanking the crew for making it through this "storm". At this point people were running up and down the ship looking for their loved ones. My mom and my sister were by my side, so I knew they survived, but my father was on the top floor of the ship, which was open. We were not able to find him and were told that all the people that were on that top floor got washed off the ship. Dead. I was shocked. My mom and sister were not exactly grieving, they were sort of relieved that he was gone. Yes, my father is an abusive, egotistical animal, and all the respect I've had for him has been long lost, but at that moment I felt like no matter what kind of a person he was, he still was my father and I was shaken up. And then...I woke up. It took me a while to realize that it was only a dream. Freaky dream.

Then I went to school, sat through first 2hr lecture and had a big tough exam on Periodontology right after. I had my clinical at one, and I had to pick up my patient in Albany, the city that I'm not that familiar with. It's a long story, but when I finally got the patient in my car, we got lost, and then got lost even more, riding in circles. I knew I was running late already, so I just turned around and brought her back home. So, I called theclinic and explained that I would not make it there today. Missing clinic hours is not exactly a good thing, my graduation process directly depends on that. So I was pretty bummed. And to top all that there is something weird going on with my front tooth, which means - more money(money that I don't have) out of my pocket. This whole thing seems like a neverending circle that I'm stuck in. School, work, studying, patients, clinical requirements, upcoming national board exams, personal life - everything is closing up on me, and I am about to lose it. I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH. I WILL DO IT, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. BUT NOONE BUT ME KNOWS AT WHAT COST. I've alredy sacrificed so much and there's more to come, but i know, that God will not give any more than I can handle. I know there are plenty of people who have it thousands more times worse than me, and some have it better, but this is my life and I'm doing the best I can. I'm fine.

Это цитата сообщения gurrat Оригинальное сообщение

The worst things you could ever do:

- Take things or people for granted
- Disrespect others
- Think that you are the center of the bloody Solar System
- Juggle someone's life and feelings
- Drag decisions for ever
- Twist the situation in your own favour
- Be dishonest with others and yourself
- Think that you are indispensible

Or what? I've parked my car at the school parking lot at 9am. After the classes were over at 4pm I walked over to my car, sat in the driver seat and...saw four! large bird hmmm...excrements on my windshield. :) I'd like to note that there are no trees around whatsoever, just a plain huge parking lot. I got out of the car just to see if the cars next to mine had any on them - NOT A TINY DROP! It's a mystery, so I just took it for a Good Luck sign from God. :) Thank you birdies, drop by anytime.

Upd. It dawned on me that this could be an act of vengeance. :) My cat somehow keeps catching birds on the 2nd floor porch with 12 foot high ceiling. I don't know how he gets them, I don't think he's that fast and I've never seen him up in the air. :) He doesn't kill them, brings them inside and plays with them, and he's got about 5 birds within a couple of months. 4 of those were cought later by me and set free, but the last one somehow drowned in a vase with flowers when I was out of town for a weekend. It's been a sad experience and I ask for forgiveness. The cat has been warned and punished. :)

Life is not always just black and white. It does include some gray spots...and purple...and green...and blue...

Crazy Venus

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Почему-то вспомнилось ;)

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One memorable quote from a movie called "The Mexican" with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts... At one point Dima insisted on us watching this movie tobether :) And I know why ;) A good movie: funny and cute. And here's the most memorable quote:

- I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together... When do you get to that point of enough is enough?..

- Never.

;)