alcohol and the past three month don't help at all....... even if i crave blood so much less since she went away, i still do..... and i know i cant take it. i can not allow myself to possibly take it, not a drop. for him if not for anyone else, definitely not for me...... fine, so it's only a mental addiction, but its a fucking annoying one.... sometimes i can barely take it.....

blood is life, blood is love, blood is lust. it's everything.... its magical.... it goes further than words, further than actions. in the past, i looked past this, i wanted blood for blood and not for what it means. now, only sometimes, when i forget myself a bit, i want it, and i want it for what it is, love, and lust...... so far i have kept it under control...... hope i can in the future...... otherwise..... oh i dont know......

i have been thinking.... who am i? am i not just a broken mirror- every shard reflecting a bit of someone else, an incomplete, sick, diseased bit and nothing of myself? no complete picture, no matter how much you try.......

Я ветер скитаний!

Ты рвешься на природу, хочешь взлететь в облака, почувствовать все море, обнять всю землю. В тебе живет жажда чего-то более величественного, могучего, чем эта мелкая обыденная жизнь. Запах приближающейся грозы ты способен просто учуять, дождевая вода кажется тебе сладкой как мед, холодные плети ливня – горячее солнечных лучей. Лишь в эти минуты ты чувствуешь настоящую свободу. Как увядший комнатный цветок, ты ждешь этих редких встреч, тоскуешь взаперти. Может, когда-нибудь ты сможешь сбросить эти оковы, растворившись в небесах…

Кем ты был под дождем?

lots of new pictures...... whose of nervous predisposition are adviced to take medication and go to bed......

the rest of you-youve been warned.....

im in an arty mood.......


but looking at elfwood kinda makes you stop all attempts at art and remain jealous for ever and ever amen..... *sigh*

ive now decided that im sane and dont know what to tell Franham road people.... i think i need to write stuff down as soon as it happends so i dont forget.

bored so having a drink of nice wine we got yesterday. wine plus my gothic playlist plus miserable housemates (yes you!) equals probably a crying session. dunno yet. watch this space......

just wanting all those imaginary things to come out and tell me exactly what they are and what they want. they seem to like hiding in the shadows though. and giggling at silly humans who go insane trying to figure out what the hell is going on. well, hell is going on. full stop......

here i post a piccie of Nat as a posh tart...... hee hee.....

Nat-if you dont want me to post the rest of them....... ask later for my bank account details......
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sooo very tired.....

Goth Queen in my head...... such a cool song.... i dunno, in a mood for the Crow and suchlike.....

life is getting more and more convoluted, but not in interested ways, just boring matters, like food and money. and taxes. always the taxes....

i have a date later..... yay! i am however missing another one of Nic's parties, and i fear nothing dramatic will happen without me. they will also have to drink 6 litres of tequila-i have challenged the barmaid last friday....

so yeah..... im kinda nervous..... not very good with dates

Love Peace Empathy

Poor little child

Love Peace Empathy

we will make things right

Love Peace Empathy-

You will never know

Hate, Hurt, Apathy

Is all the world will show

Sleep, sleep baby girl,

you are safe with me,

sleep, sleep, dont wake up,

i will set you free

LOVE PEACE EMPATHY

poor little child

PAIN DEATH ATROPHY

THINGS WILL NOT BE RIGHT

my fanham road appointment is coming up, and with it i get more and more.... well, not quite worried, thats a wrong word. anxious? thoughtful? not sure. just considering possibilties and variants- a lot depends on what i say there.
firstly, if i'm perfectly honest with them, there are two possibilities. either they tell me im fine and tell me to go home and let them deal with real patients, or they tell me that ive gone soft in the head and put me on medication and/or put me away (and throw away the key, as my darling ex boyfriend suggests). which means, bye bye nice cozy job in old folks home and/or cozy home..... so yes, as you can now see, everything is a bit FUBAR.

oh well, we'll see when we get there. i am being accompanied by my scag, which is lovely. i owe you ginger bikkies!!!! wuv j00!

still in a weird mood.... always in a weird mood. cant sleep at all, surviving on zopiclone. restless. confused. i KNOW there are no answers, why wont the questions leave me alone? but thats a different story.....

for now, leaving you with the picture of my arty toenails.....


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.... complete with pimples and bad goth poetry...... not gone that far, but have a feeling ill have to write things down at some point.....

THE DEPRESSION (feel like writing The Great Depression, but that'd just be cheesy) seems to be over. the desire to hurt myself has changed into an even more tempting desire to hurt others. not just everybody, those who have hurt me, recently or otherwise, a lot or a little.....that BOTHERS me, the thirts for blood, the things that go through my head...... its not ME!!!!!!

oh and the scribbles in my diary also BOTHER me

brain needs a serious spring clean.... full of cobwebs......
*insert goth poerty here

spend the day in the past, like, ancient cant-believe-it-ever-happened past. swings, long grass, and lots of sun. random memories.

applied for a job in the nursing home nearby-look like ill get the job, which would be exceptionally good. well, no. it would be lots of hard work, probably full of prejudiced HCA's and depressing stuff-but its gotta be better than making little boxes up..... im quite excited about it-if i can do it, it will be another step up, back to the surface. plus, the money will probably be good, and im sure they wont have a problem with giving me lots of hours---------> i r teh rich bitch!! (well, unlikely...)


mental state update-still feeling like a very naked person tied up in the middle of Soho-asking for it. not willingly though. so very vulnerable, and unlike me before, unable to fight. oh dear.

feeling of extreme relief and silly happiness have passed, leaving me with questions. questions about the past, the present and the future. nothing is clear again. it's not that i'm sad, more..... thoughtful. i have a lot of stuff to go through in my head, sort out the good from the bad. the only problem comes in when i try to sort out the truth from illusions. i need a confirmaition that everything that happened in the last couple of months was real. if it wasnt, and im often afraid it isn't, it will leave me sad and empty, as well as wondering about my phyche..... while i am perfectly sure that it did happen, people trying to rationalise, people underestimating what i went through and how it left me make me doubt it. to be perfectly honest, i know the REAL answer..... its unknown whether it was real or not, and noone will ever know. besides, it doesnt matter..... Why cant i help feeling that it does, indeed matter. but noone can give me answers. whats more, noone can protect me from it happening again, apart from what has already been done. why do i keep feeling like im in danger, still?

also going through a stage of doubting everyone, everything, everyone's motivs..... except for a certain few, as always. dont think ive ever been this weary..... with hot weather, cant help thinking about my scars and whjat people think about me. i already know that some are ashamed of them, ashamed of being around me...... that really hurts.....so do many other things, however, im totally unable to protect myself, totally at the mercy of those surrounding me. they decide whether i live or die now... i have been and continue doing everything i can to keep myself going, and to help others out when they need me, but right now i could really do with help...............

i thought long and hard about how to write about what happened last wednesday-and i want to write it down in case i forget one day-then i heared this..........




Let me tell you a story to chill the bones, 'bout a thing that I saw.
One night wandering in the everglades. I had one drink but no more.

I was rambling, enjoying the bright moonlight. Gazing up at the stars.
Not aware of a presence so near to me. Watching my every move.

Feeling scared and I fell to my knees. As something rushed me from the trees.
Took me to an unholy place. And that is where I fell from grace.

Then they summoned me over to join in with them. To the dance of the dead
In to the circle of fire I followed them. In to the middle I was led.

As if time had stopped still I was numb with fear, but still I wanted to go.
And the blaze of the fire did no hurt upon me. As I walked onto the coals.

And I felt I was in a trance. And my spirit was lifted from me
And if only someone had the chance. To witness what happened to me.

And I danced and I pranced and I sang with them. All had death in their eyes.
Lifeless figures they were undead all of them. They had ascended from hell.

As I danced with the dead my free spirit was laughing and howling down at me.
Below my undead body, just danced the circle of death.

Until the time came to reunite us both. My spirit came back down to me
I didn't know if I was alive or dead. As the others all joined in with me.

By luck then a skirmish started. And took the attention away from me
When they took their gaze from me. Was the moment that I fled.

I ran like hell faster than the wind. But behind I did not glance
One thing that I did not dare. Was to look just straight ahead.

When you know that your time has come around. You know you'll be prepared for it.
Say your last goodbyes to everyone. Drink and say a prayer for it.

When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead
When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead

To this day I guess I'll never know. Just why they let me go.
But I'll never go dancing no more. 'Til I dance with the dead.



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seems i have turned the corner.....

for that i have to thank all of those who have tolerated me moping, crying and ranting, my going high and going depressed, those giving everything for my protection-you know who you are. you have risked so much that wednesday, and i will be forever grateful for your selflessness, faith and love. i am fully aware that i sound like a tearful actress at an Oscars ceremony...... still, special thanks go to my man, who stood by me for all these years, no matter what-and most of it wasnt pretty. just to say i will always be there for you, just like you have been for me. i love you, admire you, look up to you in every way......

i know there is still a lot of hard work to do for me before i am back on track, but hopefully with your help it wont be too long. thanks again.....

just back from work- had a bit of a dramatic day- started in woking, then had to go to guildford because Heather went off to look after her sister again, so had to tolerate 2 hours with Deborah. that woman just makes me feel uncomfortable.

been feeling a bit weird-cant really define it-for the last few days.... just really weird. we'll wait and see what happends.....

annie is being all miserable and ill today.... scags made me cry by taking care of me- i'm still way to used to my good wifey ways-pain? shut up and get back in the kitchen. no wonder being forced to take painkillers and having everything brought o me made me cry...... im such a big baby

thoroughly fed up with work, for two reasons. firstly, im CONVINCED noone likes me, and talk behind my back. not sure why, but i just cant help it. secondly, i get absolutely NO job satisfaction. not that it isnt a good job, but i just CANNOT possibly do THAT for a YEAR really REALLY cant...... i want to be back at the hospital, being a partner rather than a SERVANT, helping people get somewhere, making a real difference, having a say, having knowledge and being able to pass it on. i never realised how many different things in nursing are amazing, and how much id miss them. here you go, the hardest, most frustrating and, in a way, pointless job in the UNIVERSE, and i cant live without it. *insert a long rant with waving of hands around and tears here* im so sad.

on the different note, went out to no-wave last night- was a bit of a last minute decision, but went surprisingly well, despite the fact that i felt ignored and hated for a while, and mike was worrying me like hell. i did manage to have some fun though. i now remember why i dont like being around too many people- i go maaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4126623305

pished

"Вывод: Окружающие, берегите шею!!!"

Вы- прокляты навеки великой жаждой крови. Боитесь света, воды и прочей бербульды. Но тем не менее вампиры на удивленее умны сильны и вообще очень опасны.


Пройти тест "Что вы за темное существо?"

theres a sweedish type in the bathroom, hence i REALLY need to pee..... and they have the nerve to complain about women taking too lonmg in the bathroom. im not quite sure what Danni does in there, but by the time he's out theres normally a reasonable number of people outside with their legs crossed.

hair update-im going BLONDE!!! urgently need some interesting hairdye to pour over the evil blondness!!!

now..... moodswings as violent as ever. up and down like a yo yo. but im ok i think. most of the time.... yeah......

this is me in my best sunday. made it all myself, in one night. us fairy gothmothers just dont get paid enough.....
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