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Stephen: Ah good morning Michael.
Michael: Good morning, sir.
Stephen: Good morning Mr Smear.
Hugh: Yes, we'll dispense with the good mornings if you don't mind. I haven't got time for good mornings.
Stephen: As you wish. Now, you wanted to discuss something, I believe?
Hugh: I think you know why I'm here.
Stephen: I don't think I do.
Hugh: (To Michael) Tell him.
Stephen: Tell me what?
Hugh: Tell him what you told your mother last night. Come on, come on, sexual intercourse...
Michael: Sexual intercourse can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female.
Hugh: ...can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female, yes.
Stephen: Yes?
Hugh: You heard that, did you?
Stephen: Yes?
Hugh: Yes, well I'd like an explanation, if it's not too much trouble.
Stephen: An explanation of what?
Hugh: An explanation of how my son came to be using language like that in front of his mother.
Stephen: Well I assume it's something that Michael's been learning in his biology class, isn't that right?
Michael: Yes, sir.
Stephen: Yes, with Mr Hent. Glad to see some of it's sinking in.
Michael: Thank you sir.
Hugh: Well this is a turn-up and no mistake.
Stephen: What is?
Hugh: I didn't imagine that you'd be quite so barefaced about it.
Stephen: About what?
Hugh: I came here today to make a complaint about my son being exposed to gutter language in the playground. I am frankly staggered to find that this is something that he's actually been taught in a classroom. I mean what is going on here?
Stephen: Well we're trying to teach your son ...
Hugh: Oh are you? Are you indeed? Trying to teach him what? How to embarrass his parents? How to smack himself with heroin, what?
Stephen: Mr Smear, I can assure you, we have no...
Hugh: Call yourself a school?
Stephen: I don't actually call myself a school, no.
Hugh: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Filling a young lad's head with filth like that. Well let me tell you something. About the real world. You're here to provide a service.
Stephen: Well, that's quite right.
Hugh: Well, that's quite right, yes, well I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the service you're providing.
Stephen: Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology classes?
Hugh: What, certainly I would, if those are the kind of lies I can expect to hear repeated at the dinner table.
Stephen: They're not lies, Mr Smear.
Hugh: Oh aren't they? Aren't they, what? Sexual intercourse can bring about pregnancy in the adult female?
Stephen: Well that's quite true.
Hugh: True my arse. It's nothing more than a disgusting rumour put about by trendy young people in the sixties.
Stephen: Trendy young people in their sixties?
Hugh : The sixties. In the sixties. That's when it all started. People like you.
Stephen: I can assure you that sexual reproduction has been part of the biology syllabus for many years.
Hugh: I don't care about your blasted syllabus. What good is a blasted syllabus out there?
Stephen: Out where?
Hugh: Out there!
Stephen: The Arkwright Road?
Hugh: Arkwright Jungle, I call it.
Stephen: Well, what would you rather we taught your son?
Hugh : I would rather ... I would rather you taught him values, Mr ...
Stephen: Casilingua.
Hugh: Casilingua. Values. Respect. Decency. Standards. That's what you're here for. You're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sextalk.
Stephen: Michael definitely is your son, is he?
Hugh: Certainly he's my son.
Stephen: Then it's safe to assume that at some stage you and your wife have had sexual intercourse?
Hugh : (Pause) Right. That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm going to knock some sense in you myself.
Stephen: You're going to fight me now, are you?
Hugh : Yes I bloody well am. I'm not going to stand for this.
Stephen: Do you mind if I do? (Rises to his feet)
Hugh: Talking like that in front of the boy. You're a bloody disgrace.
Stephen: Mr Smear, how can Michael be your son, if you and Mrs. Smear have not had sexual intercourse?
Hugh : Michael is my son...
Stephen: Yes?
Hugh : ...in the normal way.
Stephen: Ah. And what in your opinion is the normal way to have a son?
Hugh : If you're trying to trick me into sexy talk ...
Stephen: I'm not.
Hugh: Well, the normal way to have a son is ... to get married.
Stephen: Mhm?
Hugh: Buy a house and get properly settled in.
Stephen: Yes.
Hugh: Furniture and so on, and then ... just wait for a bit.
Stephen: Ah.
Hugh: And make sure you eat properly. Three hot meals a day.
Stephen: Three hot meals.
Hugh: Hot meals. Yes.
Stephen: Right. And Michael just sort of popped up, did he?
Hugh: Er ... well of course it's a few years ago now, but I think yes one day he was just there.
Stephen: And on no stage did you or Mrs Smear engage in any act of sexual intimacy?
Hugh: Yes, it's very hard for you to
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