I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"... A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

Реальная Фотография с марша против войны с Ираком

Believe it or not, but this is a real picture, shot just two days ago in one of the major city demonstrations… Doesn’t matter which one, since these demonstrations, organized by left radicals, are pretty similar everywhere …
Just read the signs, they speak for themselves ...

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

F**k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

I love every bone in your body—especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, nead till hard, and serve hot.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Guy: "Do you sleep on your stomach?"
Girl: "No."
Guy: "Can I?"

These are not my thoughts, but I agree with every single word of it. Only if I could write this articulate... (Written by Big & Rusty (pseudonym) from Orlando, FL)

Word to all who opposes the war...
Get over it.

Sadam Hussein makes Hitler look like a bedwetting democrat. He tried out chemical weapons on his own people like an employee at Macy’s who squirts you with perfume as you pass their counter. (Does this mustard gas make you feel pretty?) What don't you understand about that? He tortures prisoners with methods that would give Mengle a bulge. When you oppose stopping him, you support him. Once more for the slow . . . When you oppose stopping him, you support him.

There is enough evidence of Hussein having weapons of mass that if this was a domestic criminal case, he would have already been tried, convicted, and bent over in a cell by a big biker guy named Cutler. He has all the moves of a shyster, he reminds me of a certain ex-president of ours. Like Clinton, he wouldn't know the truth if it passed from his lips.

Hussein to the Weapons Inspectors: "It depends on the meaning of the words 'weapons' 'of' 'mass' and 'destruction.' I mean what you call 'weapons' we call 'peace devices.' See, we've had peace since the Infidel invasion . . . I mean the Gulf War. Yes, we have weapons grade nuclear material but we're using them for power. Yeah, that's the ticket. The word 'of' has so many meanings that it really means nothing. What does the word 'mass' really mean anyway? How much does 'mass' really imply? Is it a city or a city block or what? And 'destruction' you know well, the laws of physics says that nothing can be created or destroyed. Don't think destruction, think recreation."

This is the kind of weasel we're dealing with in Iraq. Sadam Hussein is Clinton with fangs, with a liberal dose of Caligula, Stalin, Hitler and Pol Pot poured in for bad measure. If we do not end his tyrannical reign, we are just as culpable for his actions as he is. Neville Chamberlain went to his death knowing that he could have saved millions from the Nazi death machine, but he was too much of a pansy liberal coward. Are you prepared to live with that guilt on your head? Do you even care?

Now I know that all of you have your own reasons for being cowards, but all of your reasons boil down to rationalization of apathy towards evil. It is symptomatic of the larger, more dangerous problem of situational ethics. Simply put, you say there are worse people out there or that we have done worse. It is an irrational disconnect to logic, which is often associated with brain damage or mental disease. Furthermore, you show attributes of what psychologists call ‘magical thinking.’ If we show Sadam Hussein that we trust him (and maybe give him some milk and cookies,) he will destroy his weapons of mass destruction and treat his people better. At the same time, Algore will hand his wife, Tipper, to Eminem’s roadies. Neither thing will ever happen. No matter how many hugs we give him, Hussein will never change. We could give him another twelve years or another twelve hundred years, but what we have from him now is what we are always going to get. Do we act now or do we wait till he wipes Israel off the map? Do we crush him before or after he gets nuclear weapons? I would hate for my last words on earth to be, “I told you so.”

To the socialists/communists/anarchists, no one is buying what you are selling anymore except each other. You need to get a job, take a shower, and start looking for a better reason to live but not in that order. You are what they call ‘useful idiots’ being used to propagate an agenda you’ll be sorry for later. You talk about how this administration is fascist but what do you think the Soviet Union was and Cuba is? If communism is so great, why do people leave Cuba in boats for America? If communism is so great, why were the Soviet Union and the eastern bloc overthrown for more democratic systems of government? Yes, we have done some bad things in our history but we have done more good than evil. I feel your real motivation for opposing the military effort is merely to be contrary. You are nonintellectual intellectuals who know a little so you feel you know a lot. Like your comrades in Hollywood, you have no real understanding of history or politics and what you do understand comes from conspiracy theory based on implausible facts. Conspiracy theory is the product of weak minds, which jump to conclusions. This is not a war about oil; we get barely 1% of our oil from Iraq. Most of Iraq’s oil goes to Russia, France and other European countries. This is not a war of revenge for President Bush for his father’s losses. If I remember correctly, we won the Gulf War. In fact, the U.N. stopped us from taking out Hussein. Yes, that got us far. This war is about Iraq’s naked aggression and unwillingness to comply with past treaties. This war is about stopping Hussein before he tries to take us from the Читать далее...

Кто бросает штолибо крокодилам, тоту и лезьть доставать:)

Зима на дворе...
У нас Blizard, со вчерашнево вечера выпало 24 инча снега (60 сантиметров) и есче валит, говорят што когда кончится (завтра утром) то будет около 40 инчей всево (около метра снега)... Только весь день и делал што Driveway чистил...
Никто на работу неидет (недоехать), весь транспорт стоит, из дома невыдьти, школы и магазины закрыты....

Таково с 96 года небыло...

Возможный сценарий для Persion Gulf War 2 (или Третьей мировой войны). (Intteractive game)


http://www.idleworm.com/nws/2002/11/iraq2.shtml

Farting Guide
The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having a "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) your partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location...


Leg Lift "Elevator" Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.


"Imperial" Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.


Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.


Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when Читать далее...

Hate Sign in Ohio (Must read to the end)

A sign at a business establishment in Medina, OH:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Medina. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

:)

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.