Female Hormones Found in Beer

Yesterday scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and that men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing is considered necessary.

:)

Holla Amigos,
Nice to be back after such a long "time out".

Joining you again from "Little Tejuana" also known as Newhall, CA.

Application To Live In New Jersey
Application To Live In New Jersey:


Name: _____________________________

Nickname: _____________________________

Address: _____________________________

Exit # (NJ Turnpike): _______

Exit # (Garden State Parkway): _______

Ethnic Background:
___Italian ___Sicilian ___Jewish ___Italian ___Italian

Profession:
___Mechanic ___Truckdriver ___Meatpacker ___Dockworker ___Hairdresser ___Manacurist ___Avon Sales Lady ___Waitress @ Bennigan's___Exotic Dancer

Backyard Smells Like:
___Sewage ___Sulfur ___Garbage ___All 3

# of Muscle Shirts Owned:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

# of Bon Jovi Tour Shirts Owned:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

# of Bon Jovi Shirts That are Also Muscle Shirts:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

Brand of Jeans Preferred:
___Sergio Valente ___Jordache ___Sassoon ___Z.Cavaricci

Percentage of Wardrobe Which is Skintight:
___100% ___95-100% ___90-95% ___85-90%

# of Gold Chains Owned:
___10-15 ___15-20 ___20-25 ___25 and above

# of Gold Chains Worn at One Time:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

Approximate Value of ALL jewelry:
___$5-$10 ___$10-$15 ___$15-$20 ___Stolen

Number of Applications of Obsession/Polo/Drakar Before Going Out:
___10-15 ___15-25 ___25 and above

Gold Cap on at Least One Tooth?
___Yes ___No

Hair Height (must be completed by applicants seeking residency in Edgewater or Bayonne)
___6-8 inches ___8-12 inches ___1-2 feet___More than 2 feet

Hair Products Used:
___Hair Spray ___Styling Gel ___Mouse ___Extra

Hold Styling Gel:
___Bondo ___Spackle ___40 Weight Oil ___Krazy Glue

Automobile Owned:
___IROC Z ___Firebird ___Camaro___Mustang___Thunderbird

Number of Inches Car is Off the Ground:
___6-8 inches ___4-6 inches ___2-4 inches ___Under 2 inches

Car Paraphernalia:
___Gold chain around license plate
___Neon lights around license plate
___Neon lights under car
___Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging on rear view mirror
___Garter hanging from rear view mirror
___Chrome hubcaps
___Stick-on window tinting
___Stick-on paint splash stickers
___Fuzzy dice TATTOO
___Crown deodorizer on dash or in rear window

Favorite Sports Team:
___Fuckin' Giants
___Fuckin' Jets
___Fuckin' Mets
___Fuckin' Yankees
___Fuckin' Nets
___Fuckin' Knicks
___Fuckin' Devils
___Fuckin' Rangers
___Fuckin' Islanders



Favorite Music:
___Techno ___Rap ___Bon Jovi ___Bruce Springsteen

Favorite Actor/Actress:
___Joe Pesci ___Robert DeNiro ___Al Pacino ___Marisa Tomei___Annette Funicello ___Anna Magnani

Favorite Movie:
___The Godfather ___The Godfather Part II ___The Godfather Part III___Goodfellas ___My Cousin Vinnie

Favorite Profanity (proceeded by YO!):
___Motherfucker ___Cocksucker ___Jerkoff ___Scumbag ___Douche Bag

# of Religious Statutes at Grandparents House:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

Relatives Named "Sal"
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

Favorite International Destination:
___Belmar ___Seaside Heights ___Point Pleasant ___Bayonne ___Great Adventure ___Secaucus

Favorite Driving Technique
___Tailgating
___Attacking stop signs
___Doing 106 mph on the right shoulder of the parkway
___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (non-related)
___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)

10th- "Scattered f*ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f* did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th- "You want WHAT on the f*ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th- "Where did all those f*ing Indians come from?" -Custer,1877

6th- "It f*ing does so look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th- "Where the f* are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th- "Any f*ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd- "What the f* was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd- "I need this parade like I need a f*ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

1st- "Where the f* did all that water come from!" Capt of the Titanic, 1912

And... drum roll...
The most recent appropriate time for using the "F" word...

"Aw c'mon. Who the f* is going to find out?"- Martha Stewart

Всё, довёл я чувачка до ручки.

Обвинил меня в своём последнем коментарии и ущел. Говорит што навсегда, а сам наверняка уже создал другой ник и поглядывает што происходит. Неразрешает мне ни коментариев у нево в дневнике оставлять, ни почту ему посылать.
Ну, пошутил я, люблю я ето дело.
Кинул идею дуракам што рыскин тёлка, а они накинулись на нево как волки. А как началось, так уж непотушыть было.
Всем оффициально говорю, што рыскин мужык, натуре мужык.
Да и вообще ево ето дело чем он занимается в своё свободное время, кому ненравится, можете нечитать чаво он пишет.

а рыскину советь, перестать ломаться как баба, тогда и никто в ево поле сомневаться небудет.

1. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
2. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. -- Joseph Sobran
3. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire
4. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles
5. Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women; when it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it. -- Judge Learned Hand
6. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard
7. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey
8. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke
9. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat
10. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan
11. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
12. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke
13. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain
14. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
15. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
16. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
17. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
18. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
19. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer
20. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. -- Mark Twain
21. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. -- P.J. O'Rourke
22. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley
24. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Ой, граждане и гражданки, севодня проверил свой старый дневник, а он вродебы работает. Даже незнаю чево и делать. остаться с новым или вернуться в старый. Старый лучше вродебы.

EddieUSA = EddieUSA2

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

The Australian Book of Foreplay

The Book of Motivated Postal Workers

Americans' Guide to Etiquette

The World Guide to Good American Beer

Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

Safe Places to Travel in the USA

Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity

Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

Consumer Marketing Ethics

Al Gore: The Wild Years

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Easy UNIX

Everything Men Know about Women

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

Great Women Drivers Of Today

Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

America's Most Popular Lawyers

All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

She's Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here; Have you got the money or should I go out and play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas!

Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! Where did your scabs go? Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

Mommy, Mommy! It's dark down here! Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! I'm getting dizzy. Shut up or I'll nail your other foot down!

Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush the toilet!

Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts. Shut up kid and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with Grandma? Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last week!

Mommy, Mommy! Why am I so ugly? Shut up kid and comb your face.

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy!! What's a lesbian? Go ask your father, she'll know.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....

Mommy, Mommy, I hate tomato soup! shut up son, we only have it once a month!

Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me. Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.

What would it be like if men were put in charge of organizing weddings?

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her arse.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follows...

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. (So true for me :) )

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. :)

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. (That' me :) )

You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. (Guitly of that too)

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.

You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. (Damn :)

Guys, Ктото имеет ссылки интерью жириносвково в Израиле???
Ето нехуже ево интервью в Ираке... (правда без мата)

Вчера на пленке видел :)
Как он клинётся в вечной дружбе росии с израилем.
Личной любви к евреям и израилю
Призывает израиль использовать ядерное оружее против палестинцев.
Хочет што израиль расширил границы и выселил всех арабов :)
Хочет создания пелестинсково государства не в палестине, а гденибудь в друмом месте :)
Призывает россию и США выделить часть своей територии для евреев :)
Не шучю :)
Комедия да и только...

"Well... Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- you will know. Sometimes the words, "I love you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action... Here are some ways that you can tell if he means what he says..."
He pretends to like your cat by no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.
When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places.
They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually get to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign.
They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a blowjob.
They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it (please make a note of it)
They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the porn mail- you can expect a proposal within weeks.
They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a blowjob")
They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee- my ex-girlfriend sure gave me a great blowjob!"
They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better- they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like you...

On Fox News Sunday, after Tony Snow said that the New York Times refuted the rumor that they were expanding their newspaper to add a daily page for corrections and listing off the number of corrections made this week, he changed the subject to the recent rantings of Baghdad Bob.

He turned to Brit Hume and asked him what he makes of the comments of the Minister of Information and Brit said "I think the guy is getting his copy of the New York Times a day late."

Мне наконец сказали што я пушу неправильно :( Добрые люди...

Я то думал, пару маленьких ошибочек...
А тут, из 12 слов четыре ошибки (нисчетая "опечатки")

Ктож ето всё наизусть помнит... Не язык а чёрт знает што....
Я шо пушкин штоли? Сами пишите на нём.

"ecче" - пишется как "еще"
"помоему" - пишется как "по-моему"(наречие на -ему пишутся через дефис)
"етого" - пишется как "этого"
"што" - пишется как "что"
"неговорю" - пишется как "не говорю"("не" в глаголами раздельно)

Ну што есче сказать ?
Спасибо за поддержку :)

For many of us, the reason for dismantling the Iraqi regime has been clear for many years and about 12 years overdue. As the President and the Administration have often reminded us, this is a government that attacks its neighbors, offers safe haven to global anti-Western terrorists, commits genocide against its own population and has created torture chambers the like of which are unmatched in their barbarity. Beyond this, the Iraqi regime has been building a stockpile of lethal weapons that could easily wreak untold havoc on the civilized world.

As the drama unfolds among the Arab states, the reason for fighting this war should come into even clearer focus for the observant. Typical of fighting in the Muslim world, no code of honor among combatants is sacred. So-called civilians ensnare our troops by waving the “white flag” of surrender before these fedayeen (irregular terror fighters) open fire on Coalition troops. To those of us who have watched the tactics of the PLO and the various terror squads in Israel for most of our adult life, this horror has lost its shock value. For Israelis this enemy that our journalists call terrorists, monsters, thugs…etc. are the common fare of Israeli daily existence to protect the lives of its citizens.

We have long known about the “protection money” that Saudi Arabia pays to these interlocking terror groups, which includes Al-Quaida. Syria, the Palestinian territories, Lebanon, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Egypt, Sudan and Pakistan have long served as training bases and logistical/intelligence supports to these quasi-governmental groups. Indeed, the PLO IS the government of the Palestinian territories. Making peace with the Palestinians is like trying to embrace Afghanistan under the Taliban and Al-Quaida.

The latest news is that Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Hizbollah, and our “peace partners” in the PLO are sending “homicide bombers” to kill American forces in Iraq. Nothing is being done by Jordan or Syria to shut off their borders. Our “moderate” ally, Jordan, just let four busloads of Iraqi men dedicated to fighting the Coalition infidels cross their border to create mischief in the West of Iraq. Secretary Powell has been clear that Syria is providing weapons and night goggles to the enemy. US Intelligence reports that Saddam’s WMD were delivered in truckloads over the border into Syria.

What is going on? The answer is fairly simple: A reasonably free Iraq in the center of the Muslim world presents a threat to the legitimacy of all the surrounding dictatorships. A Free Iraq as a permanent feature of the Middle East means an end to the self-contained darkness of hatred and bigotry which these regimes need to explain the suffering they have foisted upon their own people. An alternative model of a Muslim state in the heart of Arabia unravels the status quo of over sixty years.

Former Secretary of State James Baker III entirely missed the point when he was quoted as saying “F*** the Jews, they don’t vote for us anyway.” with respect to US policy toward Israel. The fact is that Israel is fighting the exact same war we are fighting. It is not Jews that the Arabs hate but what the Jews stand for: liberal democracy, independent courts, open elections, free press, capitalism and social tolerance. In short, Israel is a bastion of Western and American values in that benighted region. The Arab goal has never been coexistence but always annihilation of the “Zionist/American entity.” The moderate Arabs believe in the destruction of the West in tactical stages, the radicals are for all out Jihad. To claim that the fanatical Wahhabi branch of Islam has hijacked the religion may be an interesting historical note, but it is the dominant ideology of the region. The fight by the Arab rogue states to defend Saddam is not out of love for Saddam but out of self-preservation. The fight to defeat Saddam is no less a matter of self-preservation of the West.

The syncophancy of France and Germany notwithstanding, the West is finally seeing that we are in a Clash between Civilization and Barbarity, between Light and Darkness, between Freedom and Serfdom. The US and the West is paying a price for demanding that Israel make peace with murderers. Those whom we have placated have come to kill our own troops. Those with whom we blithely suggest “the diplomatic solution” flew into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. By holding back the mighty swift sword of Israel, we have permitted the disease of Gaza and Arab Terror to spread throughout the world. Had we only permitted the Israelis to crush the terrorists in 1967 or 1973 or in Lebanon, we might not now have emboldened the fedayeen to threaten our cities and our ports.

We fight for a free Muslim world and the eradication of terror as a means of warfare. We fight to end the global network aimed at the Free World. We must also fight to end the cancer at the center—the irrational hope—that the Palestinians should or could have Читать далее...

Facts In Brief Statehood: Sept. 11, 2003, the 51st state.
State abbreviation: IQ (postal).
State capital: Reagan (formerly Karbala) since 2003. Earlier capital was Baghdad (c.800-2003).
State motto: “Freedom has its price.”
Popular name: The Liberty Shield State.
State song: “Killing An Arab.”
State bird: Predator drone.
State animal: Giant Scorpion.
Area: 169,235 sq. mi.
Greatest distances-north-south, 530 mi.; east-west, 495 mi. Coastline-40 mi.
Population: 16,425,000; ranks 3rd among states. Viceroy-for life: Barbara Bodine. Governor (serves at pleasure of Viceroy): Kasey Kasem.
US senators: 0. US representatives: 1. Electoral college votes: 1.

Overview Iraq, the proud new 51st state of the USA, was once a seething hive of freedom-hating terrorists linked to international terrorism. American-led nation building projects begun after the 2003 War of Liberation have transformed a population of terrorized victims into members of an open society that values individuality, international copyright laws and human rights.

The world’s first known civilization began along the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in what is now the 51st state. The ancient Greeks called Iraq “Mesopotamia” (between rivers) because it lay between the Tigris and Euphrates. Iraq became part of the Arab Empire in the seventh century and was later absorbed into the Ottoman Turks’ empire.

After the collapse of the Ottomans, the British Empire attempted to civilize Iraq. The British had good intentions but, in typical European fashion, moved too slowly. The benevolent British were expelled, leading to a series of power struggles that catapulted evil war criminal Saddam Hussein to power. For the next thirty years, the people of Iraq suffered through Saddam’s reign of terror. Though he cleverly concealed all evidence, there can be no doubt that he was in some way responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, leaving US and COW (Coalition of the Willing) forces no choice but to liberate the Iraqi people. With few exceptions, surviving Iraqis signaled their approval of the invasion by remaining in their homes under the 24-hour curfew imposed by COW Command, which was later revealed to be a form of silent support.

Capital
Iraq’s capital and largest city is Reagan (formerly Karbala). Baghdad, the historic capital, was annihilated during the war of liberation, after intelligence reports indicated that the besieged dictator was prepared to unleash weapons of mass destruction, including chemical and biological warheads, if COW forces came within artillery range of the city. This made the city a legitimate wartime target that was then pacified with minimum necessary force by the humanitarian efforts of the United States Armed Forces. The ruins of the former capital have become a favorite site for paintball games pitting different units of the COW occupation forces against each other, and Viceroy Barbara Bodine is negotiating with the producers of Survivor VIII who hope to set the next season of the popular “reality TV” series in the scenic and historic ruins. It has also proved to be a popular venue for British and Spanish “Ibiza” raves, with its own musical style and glow-sticks made of depleted uranium. The popular underground musical party movement became known as “Baghdad” and it described itself as “apolitical” and “just about bringing people together.” As Governor Kasey Kasem never tires of pointing out, “Baghdad was never such a happ’nin’ town until it was razed!”

Government Iraqis, as citizens of the newest state of the USA, have sworn to defend the principles of Democracy and Private Property as defined in the Constitution. As recently as 2003, Iraqis’ knowledge of Democracy was limited to information gleaned from pamphlets airdropped by US Air Force bombers in the early days of the war. With the rapid advance of Coalition troops through Iraq, information sources were diversified and by June 2003 Fox News and CNBC were broadcasting throughout the future state with Arabic subtitles, promoting a nascent Iraqi stock market which CNBC claimed was “massively undervalued.”

Access to information has since mushroomed, and Iraqis now can watch all five US networks and order cable TV packages offering up to 150 channels. Local media, long monopolized by the Ba’ath Party, has witnessed a renaissance that involved a flurry of takeovers by experienced investors like AOL-Time Warner and the New York Times Company.

The new sense of freedom is everywhere, from over-the-counter bacon sales to strolling Southern Baptist missionaries on “Mosque Watch.” The 51st State’s happy citizens are too busy joining the American consensus to bother with old rivalries. That’s why Iraqis love to say, “Even our Shiite is Sunni in Sunni Iraq!” American Iraq is the envy of the entire Arab world. Regrettably, this envy has led a few fanatics to commit terrorist attacks, including the cowardly Dec. 17, Читать далее...

This morning a general called in all of Saddam's body doubles. He said "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news."

The good news is Saddam is still alive and you've all still got a job.
The bad news is he's lost his left arm and leg.