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Season 7

Magnificent Seven [7.1]

Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Frat Chance [7.6]

Kelly: Did something die in here?

Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it a touch of Bud.

Kelly: Yeah, well if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was it could only be you.

Bud: And nobody does it better.

(Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down)

Bud: Hi Dad, we're having sort of a secret ceremony here.

Al: Not secret enough son.

Al: Why do we have to go out Peg? Isn't it enough I know I'm married to you. Do we have to tell the whole world?

Unlawful Entry [7.20]

Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?

Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Season 11

 Requiem for a Chevyweight [11.4]

Jefferson:Look Al, god forbid, she doesn't make it, the important thing is you get right back on the horse.

Al: Well thanks Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

A Bundy Thanksgiving [11.6]

Al: You know Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband, and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?

Al finds his pie tin

Al: Hey, I found it.

Marcy: Good, now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Although, that's alot like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Al: Or a bra on you.

Unsorted Quotes

Al: [to Peggy] Do I see the redheaded monster of jealousy?

Kelly: [looking disgusted] Some guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "rub his 'magic lamp' and see a genie come out" ... there was no genie.

Season 6

She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]

Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.

Al: Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.

Marcy: That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Al: So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing another round of 'Can you top this?' One started off, 'We'll make him a shoe salesman.' Then another said, 'We'll give him a red-head.' Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, 'But let's have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater.'

Kelly: But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.

Al: Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?

She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]

Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.

Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?

Kelly: Oh.

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?

Al: Oh, I don't know, some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy, there was a fixin' man.

Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Jefferson: Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked.

Al: Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.

Bud: My story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York and I am hiding out in Chicago because I killed a man or spray painted a sign or something.

Peg: Isn't that the plot of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Bud: Yes, but that's an NBC show, so who would know.

(Al objects to the idea that the baby will sleep at the foot of their bed)

Al: I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.

Peg: You're not really thinking about moving out?

Al: Thinking about?! I've done it! Begone jackals!

 Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Al: You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.

Peg: You see, in this country, my

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Season 5

We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Marcy: And after 20 minutes of Frigging on my boss’s desk in my slip, while the other tellers tossed quarters to me I am once again what I was: A dignified bank manager.

Al: We take no map, we'll follow the sun. We'll stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west past the cheese factories where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we hit the pedal to the metal, and we ride with the wind!!!

Peg: Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.

Al: Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.

Peg: I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

Al: What got you up before noon, Peg?

Peg: Oh, a foul evil wind. You were snoring through your nose, mouth and ears.

Al: If you don't shut up, I'm gonna put the car in park, and just sit here. (Which is what there doing)

Bud, Kelly and Peg: (Mockingly) OOOOOOOOOOH!!

Peg: Hi, Al, did you miss me?

Al: With every bullet so far.

Al...With Kelly [5.2]

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store but it was wall to wall.

Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.

Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude". Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al: Peg. We don’t need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back. Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Al: (On the phone) You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.

Peg: Well, what'd he say, Al?

Al: Nothing I haven't said myself.

Al: Son let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

The Unnatural [5.4]

Al: (Three steps away from home plate) Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... (á la Lou Gehrig) Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. (Al takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate) M... V... P!

The Dance Show [5.5]

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]

Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Al: Oh oh. then I guess I just have to live on love.

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Al: It's Labor Day, not Leech Day, that's Christmas.

Steve: What happened to my fish?

Al: It fell on the ground, eat up.

Al: In 1492 Columbus brought labor day to America, and the women still did nothing!

(Peg is smoking three cigarettes at once)

Bud: She's turning into Grandma before our very eyes.

 Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]

Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do, number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent, and number two: exercise.

Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]

Bud: Dad, dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now, my teeth are killing me.

 He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]

Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF; which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it, than with your husband.

Bud: Hey mom, do you think dad is cheating on you?

Peg: Oh, of course not!

Bud: Good because we don't want to see you and dad break up, we're almost like a family here.

Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al: Fine.

Al's Father: How are my Playboys?

Al: You know, huh?

Al's Father: (Sarcastically) No, I care how you and the kids are.

976-Shoe [4.8]

Peg: Hi, Al, did you have a good day?

Al: I came home. How good could it have been?

At The Zoo [4.10]

Courtney: Mr. Bundy, wanna buy some chipmunk cookies?

Al: No, go away!

Courtney: You can't tell me you're not hungry, my daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Steve: Marcy, I can't keep secrets from you. I went to the zoo today and didn't look for a job.

Marcy: Well, good, Steve. Tonight when we're in bed together, don't look for anything there either.

 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]

Al: I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is 'I want this', 'Get me this', 'I have to have this'... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. Ho, ho, ho, all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?

Bud: Two children starving?

Peg: One un-touched wife.

Al: (To some

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]

Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]

Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?

Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.

Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.

Marcy: (thinking) So young... so young. Hey, number 21, if you got the place, I'll do the time. Oh, yeah.

Marcy: (thinking) Look at those young boys... those tight little buns squeezed into those tight little uniforms... spike me, baby, spike me.

The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]

Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al: Peg?

Peg: Well, it's her time of the month Al.

Al: What the hell did we bring her for then?

Bud: Squeak through another month eh' Kel?

Al: Well the cast of Bambi is out there now, and in here we have some of the seven dwarfs: puffy, crabby, and horny.

Peg: It's hot in here.

Marcy: It's cold in here.

Kelly: It's hot and cold in here.

A Dump of My Own [3.5]

Steve: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.

Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.

Steve: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?

Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.

Peg: I want the lottery.

Peg: How was it Al?

Al: I don't know Peg, I'm constipated.

Kelly: Eat Dad's socks.

Bud: Sniff his shoes.

Peg: I am telling you, Al loves that toilet more than he does me.

Marcy: Peggy, don't be ridiculous.

Al: Hi Peg. (Al walks to the toilet, hugs it and gives it a kiss) Daddy loves you.

Al: Well Peg, we all have to live with our disappointments. I, of course, have to sleep with mine.

Peg: Is that its new name?

Peg: What does that toilet have that

Guy: Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought it.' [he asks for a tip]

Al: Remember our motto: 'We ain't got it.'

Lady: Anything else I can do for you?

Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

 Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]

Steve: They think back: 'Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course, I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

Peggy: Thank your father, kids.

Kelly, Bud: Thanks, Dad.

(the radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household)

Announcer: In the news: a redheaded woman and her two children attempted to jump from the roof of the Sears Tower this evening. Authorities eventually managed to talk them down, crying hysterically. When asked what her problem was, all the woman said was, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"

Buck Can Do It [2.4]

Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

Buck: Whadaya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate?

Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al: Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said, "let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him, and Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe that a two income family is a house with two husbands.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]

Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?

Al: Yeah...

Peg: I bet she had great legs.

Al: Yeah...

Peg: And good breasts.

Al: Yeah...

Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs.

Al: Yeah... wait a minute, with you?

Peg: Oh, yeah!

Al: ...okay.

Al: (to Kelly) I want you to tell uncle Steve what your guidance counsellor said what career you'd be best suited for.

Kelly: Lumbercamp toy or the other woman.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]

Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those bears this year?

Born to Walk [2.8]

Pilot [1.1]

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.

Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg: You will not hate them, they are very nice.

Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Al: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself.

Al: You know another thing that makes women such a blessing for us? It's when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and they say to you, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "You know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?

Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.

Al: You gonna neuter him too?

Peg: That's not good. Do you have PMS?

Marcy: No.

Peg: Get it!

Al: And I'm telling you your son's going to grow up to be a sissy mary without sports.

Steve: I used to love sports.

Al: Of course you did, you're a man.

Peg: See Al? Steve helps around the house.

Al: Way to go, Steve!

Peg: Al, they're here. And another thing, don't eat or drink anything while they're here. One of them may have to use the bathroom while they're here.

Al: Does nobody have a name? Like Tom, Dick, Cobra with a sore on his mouth.

Kelly: Oh it's not that kind of a sore. He just fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth.

Al: Kids gone?

Peg: Yeah... but they'll be back.

Fat Woman: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a 7 since I graduated from High School.

Al: The scale says 9, but... lady you're a 9, I can accept it, why can't you.

Fat Woman: You're very fresh.

Al: No, ma'am, that's impossible. For the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really should've been easing them into the box, so I'm anything but fresh, and could you tell John Henry to give those $100 pumps a rest.

Fat Woman: Your ad says "courteous service".

Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That was from the former owners, he died on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.

Marcy: Hi, I'm Marcy!

Steve: I'm Steve!

Marcy: You have a beautiful home.

Al: Yeah, so do you, come on in.

Steve: Howdy, Neighbors!

Al: Yeah, Yeah, (mouthing words to Peg) I hate these people.

Marcy: My mother is coming over next week.

Steve: Oh yeah? Is she gonna teach you how to bury me like she buried her three husbands?

Marcy: Steve. Are you emplying that their suicides had something to do with mother?

Fat Woman: Come on Arnold, we're leaving.

Kid: I want a balloon!

Al: You've already got one.

Thinnergy [1.2]

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second will ya, let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you, doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.

Al: Yeah, that's

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