"...Я и сам понимаю, что корень всех моих проблем - в детстве. Среди мальчишек курение считалось очень крутым. А что делали мои кумиры? Ели крем-брюле? Все мои любимые рокеры вмазывались героином, а лучшие писатели творили под кислотой. В детстве мне казалось, что круче не бывает..." (Марк Джейкобс)

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....

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A Family was on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so he got the under water camera ready to go. When it came to taking the picture the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the 'OK' hand sign to see if he was all right.

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely panicking. When the parents asked why he said 'there was a shark behind you.' The dad t thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true but they wouldn't believe him. As soon as they got back to the hotel they loaded the picture onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

(Try and tell me you wouldn't have emptied your
Entire digestive system right at the point you saw it)

Would you have stayed to take the picture??

Maybe what saved them was that the shark wasn't hungry, they were in the water not on the surface, and there was no fear coming from them - only because they were not aware. Probably better that the kid didn't point for them to look behind them.

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The World's First All-glass Undersea Restaurant Opens

The Maldives | 15 April marks the day that the first ever all-glass undersea restaurant in the world opens its doors for business at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. It will sit five meters below the waves of the Indian Ocean, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and encased in clear acrylic offering diners 270-degrees of panoramic underwater views.

"We have used aquarium technology to put diners face-to-face with the stunning underwater environment of the Maldives", says Carsten Schieck, General Manager of Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. "Our guests always comment on being blown away by the colour, clarity, and beauty of the underwater world in the Maldives, so it seemed the perfect idea to build a restaurant where diners can experience fine cuisine and take time to enjoy the views - without ever getting their feet wet."

Created by MJ Murphy Ltd, a design consultancy based in New Zealand, Ithaa's distinctive feature is the use of curved transparent acrylic walls and roof, similar to those used in aquarium attractions. "The fact that the entire restaurant except for the floor is made of clear acrylic makes this unique in the world," continues Schieck, "We are currently planting a coral garden on the reef to add to the spectacular views of the rays, sharks and many colourful fish that live around the area.

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Can you imagine this guy going 100 mph on his way to London with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the M1 Motorway...............


Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of a hell!
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!

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A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front
row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......

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http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

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[im]http://office-humour.co.uk/content/images/2009/06/12414.jpg [/img]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five notifications in the mail, of traffic fines for driving without a seat belt.

There’s just no cure for stupidity.

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A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,


"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.


The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.



Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And, by the way" the blonde added, "It's a Lexus, not a Porch".

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.?
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law. "