In the immigration office:
- Name ?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex ?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no... male or female ?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

the more we study, the more we know.
the more we know, the more we forget.
the more we forget, the less we know.
the less we know, the less we forget.
the less we forget, the more we know.
so why study?

Joe was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Donna with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Donna replied, "Thank you, dear!"

An old Confederate walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he served Yankees. When the bartender answered “Yes”, the Confederate said, “Okay, bring a beer for me and two Yankees for my crocodile here.”

Bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
RATED (?)

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. On the first day he didn’t see any results. On the second day he saw a few changes. On the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Mississippi. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see any results, the second day he didn't see any results either, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see enough out of his left eye to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Can you name at least half of them?

Дело было в Анталии (Турция). Приятным летним вечером девушка, приехавшая отдыхать на берег теплого моря, решила ознакомиться с городом и вышла вечерком прогуляться одна. Надо при этом заметить, что девушка перед поездкой изучала английский. Не буду утверждать, что она вышла в город также с целью найти себе собеседника и потренировать свой иностранный, однако...

К девушке подошел молодой человек и завязалась беседа: привет-привет, какой приятный вечер... И вот, парень спрашивает девушку: "Что Вы делаете в этом районе города в такое время суток?". Девушка, не долго задумываясь над вопросом, отвечает, что... В общем, после ее ответа молодой человек меняется в лице и наспех попрощавшись, растворяется во мраке ночи.

Девушка, совершенно обескураженная, стоит и не может понять что произошло! Ведь она всего-навсего сказала, что прогуливается (walking) по улицам... Однако, мысли вскоре приходят в порядок и она с ужасом понимает, что слово walking произнесла... в общем, это прозвучало, как "I'm working..."

История умалчивает, что же было в полной фразе (я гуляю/работаю на этой улице или что-либо подобное еще), но этот пример ясно показывает, что нужно четко различать звучание и уметь правильно произносить все слова, чтобы не попадать в неприятные истории.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learnt about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is celebrated for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone else a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride and says, "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him!"

Dinner: Get reservations early, at least a month in advance or longer. If you cannot get reservations, start scrambling to find restaurants that do not have reservations and do offer call-ahead seating. Call ahead on 15 minute increments starting 2 hours before you want to go. If you are with your "Valentine", you may need to slip out of the room to do this to keep the destination secret.

Once you are there, take a restroom break, find the waiter, and hand him enough cash to cover whatever you might purchase, plus a great tip - this will cost you more, but when the waiter says "thank you for dining with us Mr. so-and-so" and doesnt give you the bill at the end of the evening, it will be very impressive.

Dancing: Not a Club. Dear God, don't go to a club. There is nothing less romantic. Rent a nicer car than yours with a decent sound system, get a CD of old Frank Sinatra romantic songs, and pull off somewhere scenic and just dance together.

Presents: Everyone gets chocolate and roses, except your Valentine! Get. Something. Else. Sure, a chocolate or two and a rose should accompany the evening, but the primary money should be spent on something else. And not just lingerie. That is for you. Not her. Get recommendations from the florist.

Cards: Do get her a card. I know guys don't exactly care about the card, but she does. Even if she says she doesn't, she does. And even if she really doesn't, she will wonder why you didn't if you don't. Confusing? Just get the card.

Poetry: Write your own, even if it sucks. She knows you can't write. She knows that you will probably use a crayon to scribble it out to the beat of some 80's hair band ballad, but hey, its you. Rhyming is not important, in fact it is kind of cheesy. When you don't rhyme, it sounds more sincere. Really.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
---------------------------


In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
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Приветсвую всех новых гостей сообщесва! Пипл, не знаете, где скачать Хроники Амбера на инглише?

Ready for your vocabulary test?"
"Urhrrh."
"Good. What is the meaning of 'pining'?"
"Hrrh?"
"Pining. What is the meaning of pining?"
There is a minute of silence.
"All right, how about I give you a sentence? That might help. 'The widow sat by the window, pining for her dead husband.' Now what's the meaning of 'pining'?"
"Urr... waiting!"
"What? No!"
"Urr... looking!"
"Oh for God's sake! I don't know what you believe, but let me tell you now: the dead do not walk!"

http://stupidstudents.livejournal.com/ - really cool journal.

Jesse Dorris, an inmate in the Lincoln County (Neb.) Jail, demanded to be removed from his cell because, he said, his cell mate, Brian Bruggeman, 38, had "bad gas." Jailers moved him to another cell but, at the next meal, Bruggeman cut in line to be by Dorris so he could fart on him. Dorris hit Bruggeman, who was serving 90 days for violating a protective order. County deputies were called in to investigate, and "smelled a liar but quickly sniffed out who was guilty," a spokesman said. "It was an air tight case." Bruggeman has been charged with assault on a confined person -- a felony punishable by up to 5 years in state prison. Dorris was not charged. (North Platte Bulletin) ...We all know guys like Bruggeman, and no one will be surprised if he ends up in the gas chamber.

Copyright http://www.thisistrue.com

Subject: Computer Hard and SoftwareDear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.


ответ на письмо в комменте :)

Ученики моей подруги выдали short form for: "No, of course not"
Attention! No, of coursn't

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

Welcome to Тьма_Ню and пушистая_ведьмочка! :)

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