I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

- Mami, Mami, keiner in der Schule mag mich. Die Lehrer nicht und
die Schüler auch nicht.

- Kind, nimm dich zusammen. Du bist schließlich der Schuldirektor.

Ein Schweizer liegt im Krankenhaus, alle möglichen Knochen gebrochen. Sein Nachbar fragt ihn: Wie haben Sie denn das gemacht?
Schwizer: Jo, i bin Bärenjäger.
Nachbar: Und ...was ist passiert?
Schwizer: I staand a einer klainen Höhle und sagte: Huchu Bärli. Jo un da kam ein kleiner Bär heraus, den habe ich laufen lassen! Dann bin i zu aner mittelgroßen Höhle: Huchu Bärli, da kam a mittelgroßer Bär, aber immer noch zu klein! Dann bin i zu aner großen Höhle: Huchu Bärli ...
Nachbar: ...und dann?
Schwizer: Dann kam der Alpen-Express ...

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir. . .Really".
The teacher. . .in a huff. . .said. . ."Alright young man. . .march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair. . .turned to his sister and said. . . "Come on, Chicken Shit. . . .he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

A farmer walked into a Lawyers office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Lawyer asked: "May I help you?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah I want one of them Dayvorces."
The Lawyer said: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, got about 140 acres."
The Lawyer said: "No you don't understand. . . do you have a Case?"
The Farmer said: "No, I don't got a Case, but I got a John Deere!"
The Lawyer said: "No! You don't understand, I mean do you have a Grudge?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, I got a Grudge . . . that's where I park my John Deere."
The Lawyer said: "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, I got a Suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The Lawyer said: "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said: "No Sir, we both get up about 6:30."
The Lawyer then said: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I wan the Dayvorce."

This basic vocabulary guide to our language down here is offered as a gesture of our hospitality to visiting Northerners who truly want to be able to understand what it is that we're saying.

Ah - The pronoun "I." i.e., "Ah done did that."

Ah'd - Contraction of I would. i.e., "Ah'd ruther be out huntin'."

Ah'll - Contraction of I will. i.e., "Think Ah'll mosey on down to the lake fer sum fishin."

More Fun

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
***

A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank. She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blonde replies, "You are on the other side..."

Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away...
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a deadline hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed
something wrong
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
Аnd I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay...

- Zeiten sind das! Da wechselt ein van Gogh für zehn Millionen und ein Rubens für sieben Millionen den Besitzer.

- Ja, ja. Sie haben Recht, auf diese Weise machen sich die Fußballclubs selbst kaputt!

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. it's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. More Fun

10 young programmers began to work online, One didn't pay for Internet, and then there were 9.
9 young programmers used copies that they made, But one was caught by FBI, and then there were 8
8 young programmers discussed about heaven, One said "It's Windows 95!", and then there were 7.
7 young programmers found bugs they want to fix, But one was fixed by the bug, and then there were 6
6 young programmers were testing the hard drive, One got the string "Format complete", and then there were 5.
5 young programmers were running the FrontDoor, The BBS of one was hacked, and then there were 4.
4 young programmers worked using only C, One said some good about Pascal, and then there were 3.
3 young programmers didn't know what to do, One tried to call the on-line help, and then there were 2.
2 young programmers were testing what they done, One got a virus in his brain, and then there was 1.
1 young programmer was mighty as a hero, But tried to speak with user, and then there were 0.
Boss cried:"Oh, where is the program we must have?!" And fired one programmer, and then there were FF.

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the U.S.:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." More Fun

Thanx Herzwerk and the rest for your congrats! Keep being here, I love ye all!
[300x300]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" More Fun

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear  them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual  debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

more

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

[155x229]

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped from a helicopter.

- Hello, are you there ?
- Yes, who are you, please?
- Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what is your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes.
- ?????? I'll call you again.
- All right. Are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name's Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott!
- What.....

Получила сегодня партийное задание составить брошюрку по Правильной Замене Колеса у а/м на двух языках. Чтобы не париться, стырила материал из инета.  И поняла, что так хорошо нам не жить никогда.

Русская версия: "на всякий случай.. перед тем, как начать замену колеса, закройте на замки все двери и багажник автомобиля"

Материал с буржуйского сайта: "You may want to open the hood to indicate to other drivers that you are stopped for repairs."

 а вот еще: "Make sure everyone is out of the car before jacking it up."

.. Мало ли что;)