vchera vecehrkom reshili podyshat vozduhom....
...u menya rozhdalis strannye mysli,,,,kak zdorovo hodit' po raznym zemlyam....ot goroda k gorodu...otkryvatsya....vpityvat chtoto v sebya... kakoito malenkiy kusochek atmosfery, ktr ostanetsya so mnoi navsegda....
zavoevyvat' lyudei...lyubit'....zhizn' vse taki takaya yarkaya

Tanger, no kak? seichas ya sizhu pered kompom i dazhe ne mogu po klave popast...lico obzhigayu slezy, znayu, ty schitaesh chto slezy ne dlya menya---no oni uzhe tak dolgo edinstvennie predannye druz'ya...

kak byt' silnoi kogda ya nesmotrya na vsyu bol' otkryvayus' novomu cheloveku i vstrechayu stenu neponimaniya? ya ne mogu tak...

dlya tebya otnosheniya---eto doverie
da, eto osnova, konechno
no dlya menya eshe tak zhe vazhno pogruzhenie drug v druga...nu pochemu ty ne otkryvaeshsya?

navernoe, zapisivat' etot son, no....
posle obsheniya s odnim chelovekom mne postoyanno nachali snitsya koshmary, ne to chtoby oni mne ranshe ne snilis', no ne v takom kolichestve.
obychno eto kakienit' uzhastiki, uchityvaya to, chto ya izbegayu takie fil'my, igry i prochee(dazhe v warcraft igrayu za orkov, tolko potomu chto ne mogu videt kak prekrasnyh elfov unizhtozhayut urodci-orki)...no v etot raz eto byla voina...
...kucha naroda v kakomto ochen krasivom zdanii tipa starogo teatra...vysokiy potolok, krasivye spokoinye kolonny,,i tut vse nachinayut begat, krichat, metatsya iz storony v storonu..... iskazhennye lica, obezumevshie glaza, nikto ne znaet chto proishodit...zemletryasnie? vozmozhno, tolko zachem togda neskolko voennyh obstrelivayut cherez okna sosednie zdaniya???
potom vse poletelo....my uzhe ne v zdanii, a na kakoito perekrytoi ulice, nu, tipa arbata, tolko shire i almatinskogo, i moskovskogo...
my nahodimsya poseredine, vozle kakoito dlinnoi klumby, s obeih storon i s oboih koncov nas obstrelivayut, to est s 4eh razlichnyh tochek, nahodyashihsya na vozvyshenii, metra 3 nad nami...
u nas tozhe est oruzhie, parni zadorno puskayut ego v delo....vnachale vse tak veselo....tolko vot cherez neskolko mgnoveniy zadet starik, i begushiy k nemu malysh....
boepripasy konchayutsya, mnogih uzhe net...i tut vnezapno, bukvalno za kakieto doli sekund, poyavilis ochen stranno odetye lyudi, chast iz nih v zolotyh i chast' v serebryanyh kostyumah
i oruzhiya-do zubov
vse rasteryalis---v sled momet uzhe stoyali spinoi k stene, i pochemu to vozle moei 1oy shkoly........eto byl ih shtab...
oni otobrali neskolko chelovek, zastavili ih umytsya iz kakogoto gigantskogo zheleznogo vedra i neponyatno kuda otveli
na ostalnyh, to est' nas, napravili avtomaty....kakoito paren togda derzhal menya za ruku,,,chtob ya ne tak silno boyalas', drugoi, pytalsya spryatatsya za moei spinoi, u nego yavno zdavali nervy....
neozhidanno nashi kakto umudrilis vystrelit' v neskolkih, ya zabezhala v shkolu, u poroga zabrala ruzh'e u ubitogo ublyudka i vystrelila drugomu v spinu....kakoito poluzhivoi tip shvatil menya i pytalsya potyanut k sebe, no ya vyrvalas' i ubezhala proch...tolko vot za mnoi pognalsya drugoi, i ya snova pobezhala k vyhodu...probezhav cherez ocherednoi prolet ya kraem glaza zametila S., nadeyalas', on ubil togo gada,,,,
na ulice uzhe vse bylo spokoino- polovina lyudei uzhe nikogda bolshe ne prosnutsya....
ya pytalas' ego naity, krichala ego imya, sprashivala vseh...on byl zhiv, ya eto chuvstvovala, znala navernyaka, no ne mogla nayti....ktoto komuto pozvonil, chtoby nas zabrali - priehala gigantskaya mashina(na ktr dalnoboishiki perevozyat vsyakiy tam hlam) i povezla nas kudato...spaseny....

reshila ne tratit zrya vremya i vyuchit' novviy yazyk....chitala baha i natknulas tam na esperanto,,,znachit vybor sdelan:)

samoe glavnoe slovo-amo

batareiki zaryadilis, znachit seichas pozavtrakayu i poidu ohotitsya na kardinalov...
zhdite....

nikto ne mozhet nikogo poteryat', potomu chto nikto nikomu ne prinadlezhit...
R. Bah

znachit ne nuzhno perezhivat' izza tshetnyh suetlivyh popytok naity svoe schast'e...prosto zabyt', zabit', i zapit'....

ryadom brat,,,zapisali mne kuchu tyzhelika...znachit ne vse tak ploho, znachit prorvemsya....mozhet pomozhet alkogol dostat?
seichas sizhu i slushayu trans, vrode tak polegche vremya prohodit...menya azh pret....ya hochu potusit gdenit'...toka na v ate...
tam uzhe nadoelo vse...a voobshe tak hochetsya gdenit otorvatsya...opyat zhe-mozhet bratik podskazhet....
i tattoo nado zdelat'
blin, menya pret

govoryat, chtoby otnosheniya ne issyakli, nuzhno zhit' nastoyashim i budushim, a ne proshlym...poetomu, ya podelyus' s toboi tem, chto okruzhaet menya:
naprimer, vchera vecherom, posle nashei ssory ya poshla na progulku so svoei sestrenkoi, brat' ee ne hotela, no ona obeshala molchat:)
bylo tak krasivo...tepliy vecher, vsyudu mel'kali svetlyachki, v derev'yah lenivo shelesteli kardinaly...na kakoito ferme loshadki gotovilis' ko snu...my begali bosikom, prygali kak zaichiki i prosto shodili s uma...
stalo tak horosho i spokoino na dushe...
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v moskve mne tak ponravilos ezdit v metro...ya sadilas' i srazu zhe zasypala....a eshe ryadom obychno byl Sergey i ot etogo bylo tak uyutno...
v metro zhizn kipit, vse kudato speshat....

v new york menya neskolko raz chut ne vyrvalo....beeee....tak tryaslo silno
i vse sidyat i ulybayutsya,,,,ne vse, no mnogie parni...

voobshem metro pobedilo....

moskva..zurich...new york...philadelphia....pittsburg..columbus...huntington...
i eto tolko samye bolshie i vse za neskolko dnei
kak tut ne soity s uma??? ya peresekla 3 shtata na avtobuse, hoty net, schitaya nebolshuyu ostanovku v ashland, kentucky---4....
eto bylo tak tyazhelo...postoyannye peresadki...samolety, aeroporty...avtobusy i ostanovki...u menya vse telo lomilo...a eshe ot vsyakoi durackoi edy bolel zhivot---v samolete vsyakie pasty, syry---fu!!! zato v shtatah Mac Donalds:)
takie dela...seichas sizhu i zhdu, kogda poidet grad...

kakie myagkie smeny temy:)))

there is some fear inside me
what is it? do l fear my future? my opportunities and responsibilities?
oh do l fear solitude? l do not know
all l know is that it is not gonna make me weaker !!!

we are different
we have different backgrounds
we have different lifestyles
we have different ambitions

but there was smth about us that made us close to each other
love?
l believe so

unfortunately it has not been enough

l am sorry l have not become yor family
bye

u saw it in my eyes?
no. it is in your heart

vchera ubrala doma vsyu razbrosannuyu odezhdu...interesno, chto budet teper' govorit' mama pri vstreche so mnoi vmesto "kogda ty nakonec razberesh etot bardak?"...mozhet chenit' tipa "hey, chto proishodit v zhizni?"
hz

byl v moei zhizni etot chelovek, a potom kudato ischez
on namnogo starshe menya, namnogo umnee i sil'nee
a eshe u nego bol'shoe dobroe serdce
ya byla v shtatah, a on v tanger, Morokko
my pisali e-maily, i byli tak blizki
on nazyval menya "malysh" i govoril, chto slezy- ne dlya menya
prisylal foto svoih delfinov---eto ego rabota uchit' del'finov

a potom on ischez
ili ya reshila chto stala dostatochno bol'shoi...


a teper' ya zahozhu na chat, na kotorom my sideli i pyatayus' ego naiti
cheloveka, kotorogo ya podvela

vchera byla na svetskoi vecherine...den' rozhdeniya korolevy-materi Gollandii
bylo veselo, stolko lyudei s raznyh posol'stv...
a ehse ya vstretila togo fotografa i i smogla s nim pogovorit' naschet odnogo dela...

segodnya subbota
shozhu na jazz fest i navernoe budu spat'
takoi plan

pogoda durackaya
zadrala uzhe
golovu azh davit...zachem ya tak ot nee zavishu..?

blin, zadralo vse uzhe
univer osoblivo :)

vot...smotryu fil'm s druz'yami
nado idti gotovit'

happy easter to everyone...l went to a new church and l made new friends there
life rocks...