Well...
We're back - Vladimir and Suzdal are great places, but still I was happy to return home. I missed my cat - the sense of my life=) Stupid, I know, but she really is.

What can I say - it didn't change anything. Yup - it was nice, emotional, new information and feeling of extreme freedom, that overflew on the edge of the graff in Kremlin, or in the dark forest out the Suzdal...

But still - nothing've changed.

I'm back to the condition of "half-"... Нет, по-русски точнее получится - "недо-"... It's the middle of nowhere. I know what I do want - but have no ideas where to find it. Dream overfloods and it's unbearable.

It's impossible to see that I'm surrounded by lots of people, who are often really inspired by me and by our communication - but they are not those whom I need... And if I'm inspired - I cannot reach this person, as it's much more over my level. And - nothing to regret even, as I've not been inspired at all for a long time, for ages, for several years I'd say. I don't see anybody whom I really can admire, but I so much need this...

I need to rave over somebody, to love or to marvel at least, I need to see why I do live and what the aims are... And without such admiration there is no aims and no sense, and no need to breath. The desire to jump higher than I'm now is irresistible, but I cannot do it myself, it's dull and absurdly. I'm in such a hollow now as I used to be 4 years ago, with all the difference is that I'm no more so naive.

Today my elder brother's shrewdly told "it's so terrific, when somebody cares about you". Yes - it's such a thing I was out of. There are different "cares" - and I need an odd one, which anyone never gave.

Care.
Admiration.
Safety.
Frankness.
Beauty.
Crasiness.
Rage.
Passion.
Might..

This is a portrait of someone I don't know and never knew. This is a portrait I always pretended and charged of anybody I know - just betraying the dream itself, as fabled to myself.

It's impossible to live for a long time in a "half-" condition as I'm simply gonna boost.

And the worst is... I'm only 20.
And I'm almost sure.
That there is no hope to find.

Hardly any hope.

But I don't see the sense to live without it.

And I don't see the way out.