hello, Fil.
my new day again started. started again without you.
thought I would get mad! was sick. was lost. trying to find you.. in my dreams, outside, amond overcrowded city....
started to hate my mobile. it always reminds of u.
started to hate Moscow. it always reminds about you.
atarted to hate bein' alone, trying to hide among drunky crowd....

everything was against me!

every morning woke up with wet pillow. I guess was cryin' even at night while sleeping.

tried to meet with others. didn't help.
tried to drink.. didn't help.

tried to call to my Mom. was just talking talking talking...

do you know what it is when you know you're alife only when you feel pain. pain sooo strong that makes you shout!

every minute.. all my thoughts were with you. following you. fuck!! I even paid no attantion to my work. to my family.

you kept silence. nothing from you.
maybe men & women.. they are different. maybe we are different. maybe you can just close ur eyes & close ur heart when it's not comfortable for you. maybe you can get rid of something which you got used to.. but which spoils ur plans..

today I woke up. spent my night alone... was thinking thinking thinking...
I decided to stop all this shit! decided to stop giving all myself to someone.
I'd try to love only myself.

today my day is different. I wanna new... absolutely new.

this what happened. it influenced me greately.

in ur note, ur last note.. you wrote about your wishes to me..
LUCK. SUCCESS. LOVE.
if it's important for you, if it's ur wish....
ok, Fil

I decided just to listen to you...
luck?....I promise to be lucky.
success?... I promise to be successful.

today I'm changing my work. gonna in 10 minutes talk to my boss about new job & new salary. in the same company but in another place. with great perspectives. gonna apply for a status of chief of company NARZAN. director.
ur wish, everything that happened during the last week or more.. it made me different. made me change.
Love?... without you?...ok, Fil. if it's what u wanna to me...
I promise to be loved.
I promise that a man whould love me more than himself & will not be scared lovin' me without protection... I wouln't fuck me while thinking of his wife.

it's my new day.
here I promise never to cry about you. never to talk any more.

I don't have a hope now. It just died.
I will make myself forget you. even ur smell.. I'm forgetting it.

maybe it's better now so that later it wouldn't be so painful.
but anyways.. I'm happy I met you that time. I'm happy to belong to you. even for 4 months.

I don't know what's in store for us. only time can show.
but I wish you never feel all I feel & live in now.
it's emptiness....