Whenever I come home and Gabriella is not there/with me- I always feel so sad and so empty. It is so hard to explain. Her toys/clothes are shuttered around the house, I stumble upon her little tea set on the floor and I want to cry! Where are you my little pretty girl? Oh I know exactly where she is but she is not here not with me and I feel empty.

I think most of my "downs" come from not having her around. With her somewhere close to me I feel a purpose: I need to feed her, I need to care for her, I can't just fuck around, I need to be an adult. And when she is gone I feel like I am gone too. Gone to the darker side of me. Of careless side of me. Where dishes can go unwashed for days and clothes piles up on a couch and I don't care for my hair or brushing my teeth or watching what and how many times I eat. I just rotten in my careless state of mind and "work". Maybe that's the sad part of being an artist?! I always envy the organized clean neat freaks who are busy but their desks are always spotless, they always have make up on and they have time for everything. God how boring that would be? No chaos?! Always on time?! Never late?! Is that fake or real them I wonder?!

I could relate better to those homeless painters selling their art on the streets of my childhood. They always had that "romantic" crazy gaze, always dreaming about "better" life there, painting away, drinking their future to waste. Oh how I wish my daughter will never see me that way.... She is so everything to me. She is my life and I hate myself for not being able to spend every minute of my life with her. It is like she is behind glass, inside that little bubble that I created for her and she plays inside and I glance at her and go on with my life but I can't touch her or kiss her or play with her and she can't even hear me. How uncool is that? How unreal?! My worst dream come true. Cause I think I felt that way with my mom. She was always there, somewhere, caring for me from a distance of an adult. She was so protective: I always had food, clothes, education, attended extra classes and had tutors and best teachers and everything a child would ever ask for, but, I never had her play with me in a rain, or play dolls with me, or bake cookies or blow bubbles.... She was very on time and organized and I always was very...lonely.

I so hope my daughter will grow up and have a relationship with me. I love you so much Gabriella. Sending you sweet kisses and tickling your belly. May Angels protect you my magical fragile little creature! You teach me to see this world in a new dimension.

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