I feel like I've been beaten to a pulp, and not in a good way. Absolutely shattered, I think I've torn a muscle in my back from all of the digging, probably won't be going back tomorrow, need a little while to recover. Planning to go job-hunting instead. Working for my parents just isn't working out, at all. £100 a week is not enough to live on when you have to pay back £400 in payments each month, and the commissions just aren't coming in. I'll start jobhunting tomorrow, and tell them on Wednesday, since they apparently want to have a 'chat' then. Yay.

I just feel like I'm struggling to drown slower. I can't make enough money on my own to get out of debt, not by a long way. I just can't do it by myself. I've practically stopped eating simply so that I can save a little more money. I can barely sleep due to all sorts of worries about everything. I just don't know how to do anything but keep slogging on, and keep drowning at the same slow, but definite rate.

Several times I've been so tempted to just run for it. Draw out what little cash I've got, and just do a runner somewhere else, start over. I can't though, I can't bring myself to just give up so easily. The thing is, I don't want to give up the first real social life I've had in years, no matter how strange or messed up it may be. Not only that, but I really, urgently want to get the fuck out of that house. I can barely stand it. I constantly feel like I'm suffocating while I'm there, but I feel tied to the place because my parents have invested so much money in it.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. It'll be nice just to be away for a few days, able to forget about everything back home and just enjoy myself. Well, maybe not forget about everything back home, but at least get some distraction from it. I would so love to just give up and quit, but can't let myself, because if I start running from things then I'll never stop. Same as if I let myself do certain things, or even just drop a few conditions. If I lose my self-control, then I'll end up dead or in prison, or in an asylum. Can't afford for that to happen.

Bunny