Enjoy:

"Dear Signore Dirrettore,
Now I am tella you a story how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as yyounga christian men at your hotella. When I comma im my room I see there is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella: "I wanna shit!" They tella me : "Go to toilet". I say: "no, no. I wanna shit in my bed." They say: "You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!" What is a sonnawabitch? I go down for a breackfast into ristorante, I order bacon and eggs and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and pointa of toast: "I wanna piss". She tella me "Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanna piss on my plate!" She than say to me: "You bloody hella not piss on your plate, you sonnawabitch!" What is a sonnawabitch? Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanna fock!" and she tella me: "Sure, every-body wanna fock!" I tella her: "No, no. You don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table!" She tella me: "So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outa here!" What is a sonnawabitch? So I go receptione and ask for bill. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I heve paid the billa, the porter say to me: "Thank you and peace on you". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch!" I go back to Italy!
I never gonna stay at your hotella,'your sonnawabitch!"