feeling of extreme relief and silly happiness have passed, leaving me with questions. questions about the past, the present and the future. nothing is clear again. it's not that i'm sad, more..... thoughtful. i have a lot of stuff to go through in my head, sort out the good from the bad. the only problem comes in when i try to sort out the truth from illusions. i need a confirmaition that everything that happened in the last couple of months was real. if it wasnt, and im often afraid it isn't, it will leave me sad and empty, as well as wondering about my phyche..... while i am perfectly sure that it did happen, people trying to rationalise, people underestimating what i went through and how it left me make me doubt it. to be perfectly honest, i know the REAL answer..... its unknown whether it was real or not, and noone will ever know. besides, it doesnt matter..... Why cant i help feeling that it does, indeed matter. but noone can give me answers. whats more, noone can protect me from it happening again, apart from what has already been done. why do i keep feeling like im in danger, still?

also going through a stage of doubting everyone, everything, everyone's motivs..... except for a certain few, as always. dont think ive ever been this weary..... with hot weather, cant help thinking about my scars and whjat people think about me. i already know that some are ashamed of them, ashamed of being around me...... that really hurts.....so do many other things, however, im totally unable to protect myself, totally at the mercy of those surrounding me. they decide whether i live or die now... i have been and continue doing everything i can to keep myself going, and to help others out when they need me, but right now i could really do with help...............