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Stephen: Ah good morning Michael.

Michael: Good morning, sir.

Stephen: Good morning Mr Smear.

Hugh: Yes, we'll dispense with the good mornings if you don't mind. I haven't got time for good mornings.

Stephen: As you wish. Now, you wanted to discuss something, I believe?

Hugh: I think you know why I'm here.

Stephen: I don't think I do.

Hugh: (To Michael) Tell him.

Stephen: Tell me what?

Hugh: Tell him what you told your mother last night. Come on, come on, sexual intercourse...

Michael: Sexual intercourse can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female.

Hugh: ...can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female, yes.

Stephen: Yes?

Hugh: You heard that, did you?

Stephen: Yes?

Hugh: Yes, well I'd like an explanation, if it's not too much trouble.

Stephen: An explanation of what?

Hugh: An explanation of how my son came to be using language like that in front of his mother.

Stephen: Well I assume it's something that Michael's been learning in his biology class, isn't that right?

Michael: Yes, sir.

Stephen: Yes, with Mr Hent. Glad to see some of it's sinking in.

Michael: Thank you sir.

Hugh: Well this is a turn-up and no mistake.

Stephen: What is?

Hugh: I didn't imagine that you'd be quite so barefaced about it.

Stephen: About what?

Hugh: I came here today to make a complaint about my son being exposed to gutter language in the playground. I am frankly staggered to find that this is something that he's actually been taught in a classroom. I mean what is going on here?

Stephen: Well we're trying to teach your son ...

Hugh: Oh are you? Are you indeed? Trying to teach him what? How to embarrass his parents? How to smack himself with heroin, what?

Stephen: Mr Smear, I can assure you, we have no...

Hugh: Call yourself a school?

Stephen: I don't actually call myself a school, no.

Hugh: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Filling a young lad's head with filth like that. Well let me tell you something. About the real world. You're here to provide a service.

Stephen: Well, that's quite right.

Hugh: Well, that's quite right, yes, well I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the service you're providing.

Stephen: Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology classes?

Hugh: What, certainly I would, if those are the kind of lies I can expect to hear repeated at the dinner table.

Stephen: They're not lies, Mr Smear.

Hugh: Oh aren't they? Aren't they, what? Sexual intercourse can bring about pregnancy in the adult female?

Stephen: Well that's quite true.

Hugh: True my arse. It's nothing more than a disgusting rumour put about by trendy young people in the sixties.

Stephen: Trendy young people in their sixties?

Hugh : The sixties. In the sixties. That's when it all started. People like you.

Stephen: I can assure you that sexual reproduction has been part of the biology syllabus for many years.

Hugh: I don't care about your blasted syllabus. What good is a blasted syllabus out there?

Stephen: Out where?

Hugh: Out there!

Stephen: The Arkwright Road?

Hugh: Arkwright Jungle, I call it.

Stephen: Well, what would you rather we taught your son?

Hugh : I would rather ... I would rather you taught him values, Mr ...

Stephen: Casilingua.

Hugh: Casilingua. Values. Respect. Decency. Standards. That's what you're here for. You're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sextalk.

Stephen: Michael definitely is your son, is he?

Hugh: Certainly he's my son.

Stephen: Then it's safe to assume that at some stage you and your wife have had sexual intercourse?

Hugh : (Pause) Right. That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm going to knock some sense in you myself.

Stephen: You're going to fight me now, are you?

Hugh : Yes I bloody well am. I'm not going to stand for this.

Stephen: Do you mind if I do? (Rises to his feet)

Hugh: Talking like that in front of the boy. You're a bloody disgrace.

Stephen: Mr Smear, how can Michael be your son, if you and Mrs. Smear have not had sexual intercourse?

Hugh : Michael is my son...

Stephen: Yes?

Hugh : ...in the normal way.

Stephen: Ah. And what in your opinion is the normal way to have a son?

Hugh : If you're trying to trick me into sexy talk ...

Stephen: I'm not.

Hugh: Well, the normal way to have a son is ... to get married.

Stephen: Mhm?

Hugh: Buy a house and get properly settled in.

Stephen: Yes.

Hugh: Furniture and so on, and then ... just wait for a bit.

Stephen: Ah.

Hugh: And make sure you eat properly. Three hot meals a day.

Stephen: Three hot meals.

Hugh: Hot meals. Yes.

Stephen: Right. And Michael just sort of popped up, did he?

Hugh: Er ... well of course it's a few years ago now, but I think yes one day he was just there.

Stephen: And on no stage did you or Mrs Smear engage in any act of sexual intimacy?

Hugh: Yes, it's very hard for you to believe, it's very hard for you to believe, that there are still some of us who can bring a son into this world without recourse to cannabis and government handouts?

Stephen: Well I really don't know what to say.

Hugh: I bet you don't: it's not every day a consumer stands up to you and makes demands is it?

Stephen: Not of this nature no.

Hugh: Yes, well. Welcome to the harsh realities of the market-place, Mr Casilingua.

Stephen: Right, OK, what do you want me to do?

Hugh: It's obvious isn't it? If I go into Littlewoods and say I'm not satisfied with a cardigan, well they'll change it for me. And gladly.

Stephen: You want me to change your son?

Hugh: Of course I do. Mine is soiled now.

Stephen: Well I'm afraid we don't have any spare sons.

Hugh : Typical, isn't it? Well what have you got of equal value?

Stephen: Oh, we have got some locusts in the biology lab.

Hugh : Locusts, hmm. Do I have your assurance that these locusts will not embarrass Mrs Smear at table with foul language?

Stephen: I think I can go that far.

Hugh: How many of them are there?

Stephen: Well there are two at the moment...

Hugh: What d'you mean, "at the moment"?

Stephen: Ah. They are married, you see, they've bought their own cage, and some furniture, and they've settled down and they're having three meals a day.

Hugh: Hot meals?

Stephen: Warmish.

Hugh: So Mrs Smear might one day become a grandmother?

Stephen: It's a distinct possibility.

Hugh: She'd like that.