some things to ponder...

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.



Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here 'til a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.






More things to ponder

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of DARK?