45 days left.

For the first time here I am counting days down.

I don't want to go home, because there's nothing exciting to do there.

I don't want to stay in America, because I feel that I don't belong here any more.

Prom, graduation, colleges, fall sports, summer coming up...

I want to get out of here.

I want to feel like I'm home.

None of my problems that I've come here with ever got resolved.

I miss old Europe. Italy and France - oh, lovely Paris.

I started to miss people back in Russia.

Being an exchange student is not a blessing but a curse: till the end of my life I will be torn apart between Russia, America and Europe.

I have lived in the United States. I know what it's like to lead a small life, to get involved in small stuff, to make friends with people who are eager to get rid of this "smallness". To be safe, to be happy, to be mature.

I have never lived in Europe. How can I judge? But I am in love with the spirit of centuries mixed up with decent level of life.

I was born and I will die Russian. The only place in the world where I truly belong is my native country; I had never realised how much I love Russia.

But I'm tired of being a Stranger in the Strange Land. I have never managed to become one of them. And upon coming home I will be a Stranger in the Strange Land once again.

Thanks goodness that my senior year will be busy as hell. I will have no time to moan in an online blog.

I had a weirdest dream last night. That I have totally adopted Eastern Orthodoxy and become very religious. Not gonna happen, but going to an Orthodox church is a must-do this summer (at least early June, the best - end of May). I am sick of American churches that are more like schools: classrooms, gym, chairs, not a single cross around.

Love you guys,

Me