The title of this post sums up very nicely how I have been feeling for the past few months. I don't know what has happened to my usual motivated, optimistic, enthusiastic self or why it has disappeared into the oblivion, and, in all honesty, it doesn't matter - didn't I mention that I don't give a flying fuck? No matter what the reason is, after working my ass off for over six years, when the moment of truth has finally arrived, I caved, effectively jeopardizing what I have envisioned as my future.

Care to know what happened? Well, it all started with stupid college applications. I have spent every single day of December, January, and February writing essays despite the greatest writer's block I have ever experienced. It was not until the end of February that I put together my main essay, after which, if I were to apply to every college I planned, I would have had to write another 10 or so. Considering that the semester had begun almost a month earlier and that, too consumed to think about anything other than those damned essays, I have managed to skip close to three weeks of classes, attempting to write all ten in two weeks left until the deadline was pointless. As a result, I ended up applying only to 3 schools, two of which are total crap shots.

While working hard on screwing up every chance of continuing my education in the US, I have put just as much effort into ruining my perfect GPA. As a result of being completely unmotivated to get myself to school three times a week, I have been half-assing every single one of my classes - even intro to web design, which was supposed to be my ultimate blow off class. Needless to say, this semester could not have been a worse time to take Calculus II and Chemistry. I am 99% sure that I am going to screw up both (screwing up means getting a B, of course) and what pisses me off the most (or rather would have pissed me off had I given a flying fuck) is that I am going to screw them up for the lamest of reasons: With an average of a 99 for two tests in each, I have around 80 for homework, quizzes, labs and other worthless crap that I was too lazy to do.

To make my life even more worth living for, I got kicked out of the Student Ambassador program that was supposed to pay my tuition this semester. Basically, by the end of March I was expected to have worked for 32 hours, but because of being too consumed with application, I have slacked a bit and completed only 30. Who cares about 2 hours you'd think? Well, one stupid bitch Heidi does. Who gives a shit that I have outperformed by 30 hours last semester? In her opinion, I do not seem enthusiastic enough about my duties (no shit!) to remain an ambassador. So now I will have to magically pull out of my ass 1,500 greenbacks by the end of this semester.

Of course, as a cherry on top, I have been stuffing my face with loads of crap through all of this and now probably weight more than ever if I am to trust my jeans (too afraid to actually weight myself). I will not be surprised with all the junk I have been eating if, along with a huge ass, I've got type II diabetes. Am I depressed or simply stupid? I don't know and don't care. I am pissed at everything and everyone (especially myself), my vocabulary is contaminated with the work "fuck" and its derivatives, I haven't been able to talk to my mother without feeling irritated for many weeks, and even have two deep wrinkles imprinted on the bridge of my nose, which I didn't have before. I know I have to somehow find a way to snap out of it, but, in all honesty, I have no idea how.

Oh, and a few days ago, I dyed my hair black. Very fitting don't ya think?