The deep passion within is a burning desire. If you feel it once you need more and more, and more. You become obsessed to the point of crazy hunt. Then the real trip begins... you start at one age group, then you go older and older, older then it becomes something unknownly desperetly far and you drop back, or you stay and explore. You listen to your feelings and passion and you dig and dig into that world into intemacy, into romance, into sex. You keep looking and listening... trying to find something new and to get an understanding. So you are screwing up and pushing your luck, just to get those bits and peaces in order to get this juice out of life.
Sometimes it seems that inside there is some sort of a monster. The one that pushes you to the edge. Life to the extreem feel. Here is when sometimes I admit, first of all, my age - not really life managing wise, but in sexuality. Part of it is is probably the way of being rased in that "no sex" or "sex is dirty" enviroment. Closer to the age of 15 realizing what sexuality is more or less and getting this ignorence from father, desire to close eyes on it from my mother & granfather, as well as very much negative reaction from my grandmothers. Aspecially maybe it would have went better if I was straigh, however I was too stuborn, head foward about my homosexuality. It is not nessecerly a bad thing, orfourse, however maybe at some point it was a selfish and cruel coming out act towards my relatives.
Before my first sireous girlfriend which happened at 16 and that was 19 years of age going on 20 at the time, the only sexual relationship that I experienced been a fucked up thing with my step dad. Even so I always kept cool I guess I was pushing myself to the limit of closed coldness. This is the price that everyone has to pay for there sicrets and lies, because first of all we lie to ourself. Later on I was able to see pros and cons of my behavier... and I seen that we were just too different for each other at the time. I should probably elaborate... She is tall and thin, with white like snow, but not pale skin. Her cat nature was taking me away. She got the game, allright. Like a wild cat that wants you and knows that you will be his. Also that insanity and creativity. She really had an honest abbility to turn everything in that crazy twist. That's probably why she was going from one person to another like that because she is allways transforming, changing through such a diffical processes... and that what still facinates me in her. Too some extent, for those who watched L Word she has something from Jenny, this twisted, dark, however seems so pure. Or at list that's how I see it ofcourse. She wasn't my first girlfriend, so. Before that there were other two, one of them who was a bisexual looking for advantures in St. Petersburg, and I seemed like an interesting person because of my partially creative and sometimes insane nature, and the other one is a really home girl who was more into studying and slow simple kisses on the bench under a tree which bright, colorful leaves fall at you in the aughtom (that's when we me). We been together for five month and then I broke up with her for different reasons that would be irealvent in this peace of writing. She was sweet so, all of our together existance was quet and sweet. I wish it happend to me again... However maybe I will not be able to slow down, hit the breaks of my lifestyle to get back to those quet times. You see you wouldn't be reading this right now if not my wild character and crazy, allright maybe sometimes fucked up in someways, mind.
Well anyways, let's get back to my first sireous sexual partner. Aquerious which is me, I guess is kind of a soft, social, loveble and at the same time creative creature. Even so I do tend to hide my softness. She was the person of a hobby, yes, most likly I was her hobby, her interest at the time... one month interest... she took my mind away and still has a part of it somewhere in her art far aways from my reach. Her world as a mystory that is a laberinth in which you are getting lost and feel like a little kid or even more... as a kitten taken away... however at the same time you feel totally marvelously forgoten in your dreams coming true. I guess my mistake was that I didn't want to belive the fact that I am just a toy and I should take you the same way in my heart, as a hobby... people come and go... why should she stay? how is she any better? why did she deserve a place in my heart? because I was younge and totally unexperieced with this games? I would say it was just her, this mirrical... kind of selfish and self indolgent, self profound, manipulative and sometimes not responsible in her mind for her actions. I guess the time when she took me to the dark rave was a total kill for me. It hurt as hell. She left to see her friends in some place of the same kind near by 'cause I was underage and not able to go there, and then came back after a while asked me if I am ready to go, and when I sayed that I would like to stay a little bit longer if it's possible she told me to meet her downstares in half an hour. I felt totally diched and lost so I located one of drug dealers that I apperently new from the school and got E from him. So yeah basicly I got high and things started to look brighter however they didn't feel brighter. I remember that when I was working in the summer on the factory I used to wake up at 5am and come home at around 5:30pm totally close to dead and when it was possible I was coming to see her while she was studing at home. I didn't want to desturb however I had to see her and I was like a pet, I felt that way anyways. Besecly I was getting attention only when I was needed, I guess. Also all of the exs around were like wow... and she was bi... and some of her friends are non monogomous, and most of them are her exs. That seemed confusing to me and the intemocy that she gave to people around and mostly exs didn't make me feel that great, however I didn't mind I was to crazy about her. At that point I got back to drugs and alchohol at which point she desided more or less right thing to let me go, I couldn't move on so. With time I got back into my normal self. I got all of the coldness of that relationship out, however she still had that magnetic effect on me. Finally I moved on.
My life slowly turned into the club and I started to meet new people. First time I came to the my favorite club still I had a surprise planned for me from life. She was there, that night, she was as shocked to see me as I was actually, however yeah... Slowly I started to understand myself more and more and got my own game going. Somewhere there with her I lost my innocent romance.

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to be continued