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(С)Archmage

How do you confuse a drunk dwarf?
Take him to a circular room and tell him to pee in the corner.

The quickest way in to an Elfs heart is through their chest.

How does a fortune teller refer to a halfling?
Light Reading.

How do you know when a wizard is about to say something important?
He starts by saying "the bard just told me..."

Where do you find an ogre with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What has 2 legs, a wheel, and flies?
A wheel barrow full of manure

Whats the difference between the sun and a dwarf?
The sun is bright.

Why don't illithids eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

Why are gnomes like laxatives?
They both irritate the sh*t out of you.

What steps should you take if you are attacked by a dragon?
Great big ones!

Why wouldn't the Golem go to school?
His heart wasn't in it.

What is a halfling's favorite food?
Seconds.

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

For the Fighters
A human fighter and a halfling cleric go into an armory. The fighter says to the blacksmith "Excuse me, I'd like to get a shield for my halfling." The blacksmith looks at the cleric then back to the fighter "Sounds like an even trade." he says.

For the Barbarians
The party is about to set out to battle when the thief looks over and notices that the barbarian put his left-sandle on his right foot. he says to him "Hey your sandles are on the wrong feet." The barbarian cockes an eye brow and looks over at the thief dubiously saying "Don't try to con me. I know those are my feet."

Feeding the Griffin
A city guardsman sees 3 halflings having a tussle at the zoo and breaks it up.
"Whats going on?" he crossly asks the first after prying them apart.
"Nothing." He replies " we were just trying to feed the griffin mutton."
"And you?" he asks the second.
"Honest sir," the second says "we really were just trying to throw mutton to the griffin."
"Is that your story too?" the guardsman asks the third.
"Hell yes!" he says "I'm Mutton!"

Stupid Elves
Two Elves are drinking together. The First one says to the other "Hey, how was your honeymoon?"
The second beams back "It was great, and you know, the way she was acting, I think I could have gotten laid."

Question and Answer Jokes.

Why is it that you can see through a cleric?
A: Because they're holy.

How do you get a one armed halfling out of a tree?
A: Wave.

What do leprechauns, and honest bards have in common?
A: you always hear about them but never see them.

Two ghouls are eating a clown, one looks up at the other and asks
A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

How can you tell if a Half-Orc is well hung?
A: You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.

When Dwarves die why don't vultures eat them?
A: Even vultures have taste.

There are two times dwarves don't understand elves-
A: Before and after they speak.

Whats the difference between a goblin and a worm?
A: You mean theres a difference?

What do Theives and Bards still do when they die?
A: They lie still.

What do you call a halfling in the middle of the desert?
A: Lost.

Why wouldn't the ghost dance?
A: Because she had no body to dance with.

Why are mages so good about writing letters?
Answer: They can spell.

How do you prevent a Kobold from drowning?
Answer: Lift your boot.

What do you get when you put two Halflings together?
Answer: An empty pantry

What monster talks so much it roasts you?
Answer: A Dragon.

What's a Liches favorite food?
Answer: Grapes of Wraith.

What does the half orc and the party's healer have in common?
Answer: You don't appreciate them till they go down.

Fairy Catching

How do you catch a unique Fairy?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame Fairy?
Tame way.

The Vampires

An cabal of three evil vampires- Akasai, Dragas, and Vlad- lived in a haunted tomb surrounded by three castles. One night they made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

Each transformed into a bat and flew out set to return a little before dawn. When they did each turned back into their humanoid form.

Dragas mouth was covered in blood and he stated to the other two "You see that castle over there, I drank the blood of 3 people!"

Blood dripping from her fangs and encirlcing her lips Akasai gleeful responded "You see that castle over there, I drank the blood of 5 people!"

Finally Vlad appeared his face soaked in blood, he looked haggard and exhausted "You see that castle over there?" He pointed waiting for Akasai, and Dragas to respond.

"Well... I didn't."

The Treasure

A desperate theif sneaked into a poor wizards tower and asked for all of his treasure. The wizard said, "Sorry, I don't have any treasure."
So the theif asked for a magic sword and treasure.

The wizard again says, "I don't have any treasure."

So he asked for a magic sword, potions of healing, and treasure. After a long moment The wizard replied, "Spell cat, as in catastrophe."

"C-A-T," the theif answered.

"Good," The wizard then asked, "Spell dog as in dogmatic."

The theif said "D-O-G."

"Okay, Now spell freak, as in treasure," the wizard said.

The theif yelled "THERE'S NO FREAK IN TREASURE!"

The wizard laughed, "EXACTLY!!"

The Oracle

A paladin walks in to see an oracle and asks how much it costs to employ his abilities.

"500 platinum for three questions" the oracle responds

"500 platinum is a bit steep isn't it?" the paladin asks

"Perhaps. Whats your third question?"

A Magic Sword for the Gnome

A gnome walks into a smithy and asks for magic sword. The smithy stops pounding at his work and looks down at the halfling.

"I don't have any, now go away or I'll nail your feet to the ground!"

Disheartened the gnome turns and leaves, a few days later he returns.

"Can I have a magic sword today?" asks the gnome

Again the smithy stops his work, and glares at the gnome.

"No, I don't have any, now go away or I'll nail your feet to the ground!"

Once more the gnome looks crushed and leaves. A week or more goes by and just as the smithy thinks he's rid of the pesky creature the gnome returns. Before he can even speak the smithy stops his work and takes a long hard look at the gnome.

"What is it you want?" he asks

"Do you have any nails?" the gnome queries.

suprised by this question the smithy thinks for a moment and says "Why no, I'm sorry I don't."

"Well in that case," says the gnome "Do you have a magic sword?"

The Initiate Theif

An initiate theif trying to impress his way into the thieves guild goes to the sacred grove of the god of night and prays. "Please, let me pick open the side door to the bank. I know I'm not great at it yet, but it would really prove my worth to the guild." he leaves the temple and a week or more goes by.

He wasn't successful at opening the side door so he enters a shrine to the goddess of wisdom. Again he prays. "If you would help me to open that door at the bank I vow that I'll make you a patron and speak about you to every member of the guild. Please let me pick that door open. If I can't I don't know what else I can do with my life." he finishes his prayer, leaves the shrine and yet another week goes by.

Finally the theif goes to the only temple of luck in the city. Again he prays. "Every diety I've prayed to hasn't aided me. All I want is to pick the lock on the side door to the bank. If I do that then the theives guild will have to snatch me up, and I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams. I'll be the best theif there is, and if you grant me this I'll make you the patron of every theif who follows me." he finishes his prayer and steps out side.

A moment later a thunderous flash of light appears in front of him. And the face of the god of luck looks across to him and in a booming voice says "Buy some freaking lock picks!!"

The Hilltop Dwarf

A group of Half-Orc Barbarians are traveling down a road set deep in a valley. After a while they see a Dwarf atop a high hill. When the Dwarf spots them he starts yelling down insults.

"I could whip yer bottoms ye milksops!" he yells, turning around he proceeds to moon the Half-Orcs.

The Leader of the Barbarians sends his bravest warrior to teach this fool a lesson. Right in front of the entire group the dwarf beats the tar out of the half-orc. As soon as he's finished he proceeds to taunt the group of barbarians again.

Now that he's even further pissed the Half-Orc sends 20 members up the hillside. The Dwarf notices them coming and quickly jumps to the other side of the steep hill. The Barbarian detatchment follows.

The sound of battle echos through the valley, and finally dims. One Half-Orc, comes half stumbling half rolling down the hill toward the leader.

"It's a trap!" the beaten barbarian says "There's two of them!"

The Necromancers Operation

The partys monk needed a brain transplant. The necromancer they managed to hire told the group "Brains are expensive, and you'll have to pay, up front, for the cost of the procedure, and 'materials'."

"All right," Replied the groups sorcerer "What do you have and how much do they cost?"

"Right now, all I've got is 2, a fighters brain and a mages brain. For the Fighters brain it runs 50,000 Platinum pieces, and for the Mages it runs 20,000 Platinum pieces."

The party considered this for a while and after a bit the theif finally broke the silence asking "Why is there such a difference in the price of the two?"

"It a standard pricing policy. Mage brains have to be marked down because they've been used."

For the Elves

An Elven Lord is traveling in an exotic land, he happens upon a village of head hunters, and out of curiosity goes into the local butcher shop. Parusing the butchers wares he finally stops in front of the table labled "Brains"

"How much are those Halfling brains right there?" the lord asks
The butcher looks at where the lord is pointing and responds "4 copper a pound"

a little later the elven lord asks "How about the Human brains how much are those worth?"
"Those are 3 copper a pound"

"What about the Dwarven brains," the lord asks pointing to a small platter " how much are those worth?"
"100 gold a pound." replies the butcher
"100 gold!" the elven lord replies in shock "How is it that they are so expensive?"
"Do you know how hard it is to get dwarven brains?"

and


How many times does an elf laugh at a joke?
Once, when he hears it.
How many times does a hobbit laugh at a joke?
Twice, once when he hears it, once when he gets it.
How many times does a dwarf laugh at a joke?
Three times. Once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him, and once when he gets it.

For the Dwarves

An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a drink. When the drinks arrive, a fly lands in each one.

The Elf shoves her wine away in disgust.
The Human flicks the fly away and drinks his beer.
The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, "Spit it all out you
little *******!"

The Grandmaster Joke

The Grandmaster of the Bard's Guild, the Assassin's Guild, and the Fighters guild are having their monthly card game together. Over cards the Grandmaster of the Fighters guild boasts that his warriors are the most fearless in the land. Swiftly the Grandmaster Assassin jumps on the statement, stating that his men are fearless, and smarter than any other guilds. To which the Grandmaster Bard comments that his followers are fearless, smart, and far more loyal than any other guilds. The bickering grows between the three until they decide to make a wager, a contest between their greatest followers.

Each returns to their guild and tests their greatest members seeking out who is worthy, and in the end they each select the best. The three grandmasters meet a month later, on a cliff some distance away from their town. The followers were then explained the ordeal they would have to go through to prove who was the most intelligent, brave, and loyal guild member.

The cliff was a sheer 50 feet, at the bottom of which was a murky lake that held mostly poisonous snakes, and a large amount of piranhas. The only way out was to reach the island some half mile across the lake which was overrun with trolls, and umberhulks. On the other side of the island roughly 3 miles away was a fortress, which held a pair of mated dragons. Beyond the chamber which held them, was a cave which wound around the interior of the cliff, and came out to where the Guildmasters were standing. If the followers could make it back it would prove their guilds mettle and worth.

First the Grandmaster of the Fighters guild stepped up to his follower. "Are you ready, my champion?", a long silence followed, and the fighter finally answered "I can not. This task would kill anyone."

Grinning the Grandmaster of the Assassin's guild stepped up to his follower "The time has come to show these brazen fools who's guild knows no fear of death." he said clasping his hand on his shoulder. "I know no fear of death, but I do not invite it. I am no use to our brotherhood dead, which I certainly will be if I go through with this."

Finally the Grandmaster of Bards took out his harp and looked over at his follower "Go on then." he said. Without so much as a second glimpse at the others his follower dove off the cliff. As swiftly as he hit the water he nearly ran across it in his haste to the isle. From the cliff top the grandmasters saw rows of trees collapsing across the island in a line as the follower was presumably running toward the fortress. There were loud roars, and then a long silence. After a while the bard returned.

"That was incredible!" called the Grandmaster of the Fighters guild.
"Indeed, legendary!" added the Grandmaster of the Assassin's guild
"Well played!" said the Grandmaster of the Bards guild "Ask for anything, and it is yours!"

"All I want..." said the bard huffing and wheezing "- is to know who the hell it was that pushed me!

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