Date: December 1
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
> on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
> spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols - feel free to
> sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
> Claus to help us light the Christmas tree!  Exchange of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources Director
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> December 2nd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
> We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
> with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
> we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
> who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
> and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources Director
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> December 3rd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
> request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
> Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
> exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10
> is too much money.
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Researchers Director
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> December 7th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
> dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
> allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
> men as each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
> for the gay men's table. Happy now?
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Racehorses Director
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> December 9th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
> Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
> there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources
>  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> December 10th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> Especially the Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to
> hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can
> just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it,
> and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you
> know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
> heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a
> rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
>
> The Bitch from Hell
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> December 14th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
> from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
> her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
> our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
> full pay.
> Happy Holidays!
>
> Terri Bishop
> Acting Human Resources Director