now i'm addicted to something very specific. i don't want to eat. i try. try to get my head straight.

sometimes i even try to forget about everything till the next day. but the pain doesn't go away, so i'm addicted.

when my other side wants to show me the worst dreams, i'm nearly collapsed, but i try to find a reson not to commit suicide inside.

rarely i recall the memories of our telephone talks and how we spent approximately an hour at the bus stop at night. i miss that time.

so many drugs to make the pain go out, that sometimes i need pills just to live not in my fantasy world, but in a reality. at nights, when i don't feel sick because of a lack of sleep, i feel killing myself from the inside.

i forgot, how it feels - not to close eyes because if the tears. i try not to cry. the tears fill my eyes, byt they don't go out. i swallow them.

i'm really going insane. it doesn't matter, what the fuck i'm doing - it's not enough to feel happy. i'm taking stronger drugs in the large quatity. i'm killing the chances to fall in love.

maybe because of you i turned to a monster. nobody knows about my secret life. i'm making plans of dieing, that will never become real. intoxication of the brain, you know...

few weeks ago i wanted your fucking eyes to be nearby mine. now i want something different - to see him at the horizon. that's me.

is this what i was dreming in my childhood? no. i was dreming about the boy, that will be like my dad. i still dreming of it. but you fit me. sometimes. one day i will be happy because i'llreach my dream.

it hurts and making a disguise. beauty took control of me. now i have a blind heart and all i want - to feel safe.

right, my abitions get old. and i lie to myself, because of the drugs intoxication. 

to erase memories of being so close is impossible. and nobody wants it. i hope so.

my freedom is in being weak inside, but strong in this weak. hope to manage it.