I can barely hear you over these voices in my head-

You’ll have to talk bigger

Show me more anger

To outweigh these opinions of mine.

Why do your eyes wander?

Can’t stand it any longer?

Does my body tell you something

About how I feel?

Does it remind you of your own hate and disgust for the world?

Or is it just pity

Weep

Weep

Weeping

For me

Can’t keep this charade up for much longer

But I still have stories to tell

If my body changes, will you stop listening?

Will you fail to believe

That when I say I’m in pain, it’s no longer so very wide and so very deep?

My body has to match

Provide a torture map

Just in case you don’t get it

Just in case you forget

Think you can relax and breathe

Resting now, the crisis is over; the world again is at ease

When really nothing has changed

Stupid scale, stupid weight

They say you don’t measure pain

But when I look like everyone else, my weight normal again,

You can sit back

Job well done, relax relax relax at last -

- And I can’t seem to tell you, scream loud enough

For you to get it

Let it sink in

Along with your meal supplements,

exchanges for nutrition

Drowning out my demands

A hunger fed grows quiet

And then there’s no one left listening

The show’s over

The dance complete

All is well

And until the bruises swell,

the dizziness refuses to subside

Life will go on

And on And on And on

To a nauseating rhythm

I used to use to torment myself at the gym

Now I can hear it echoing in the streets

All us “normies” back to work, back to play

Back to pretending

That everything is okay.

Well I’m not interested

Even if I eat

I’m not interested in pretending

There is something in me, and I just can’t do it

Keep up appearances

Keep up the monotonous whispers

Keep up the shallow mind

I know it’s easy to think an eating disorder is more shallow

Than your confinement to day-to-day

(day-after-day) life

But my shattering of the mirror is not a simple crash

Stupid soap opera of diets-gone-wrong

It’s bigger than that

Louder than that

And it’s the only way I can seem to get you listening.