Really hope that no one will ever read this but I need this for myself. Want to ask myself the question of why men always take over my life. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM. I know what I want from life. I know my goal for life, and trust me in no way is a man the main focus of it. WHY THEN DOES MY BRAIN GO IN LOOPS ABOUT DIFFERENT ASSHOLES THAT HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT HURT ME. Lets start from E. What does he have on me? Nothing. Ye he's sort of attractive, likes kids and plays to the guitar. Im sure his kindness is what got me going. BUT WHAT GOT ME GOING INSANE? There is absolutely nothing in this guy that I can't find in someone else. Yup, maybe we have a sort of compatible match, if you simply put it on paper. BUT WE ARE IN NO WAY, SENSE, SHAPE OR FORM PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. Number one he's in a cult. Number two he's an emotional whore who only needs emotions for a bit to freaking get inspired. He has no plan in life and there is nothing going for him. 0 ambitions for something big apart from being a singer, and guess what he's not even that good. SO WHY THE FUCK DID I SPEND TWO MONTHS OF MY SUMMER GOING CRAZY? HE'S NOT THE ONE AND I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW THAT I AM NO WORSE THAN HIM. Probably better. Not probably but most definitely. Specimen number 2: V. Dont even know where to start. YES BLA BLA BLA SAME HOUSE SAME BACKGROUND AND ALL THAT JAZZ. Yes it seems like we would be so good for each other especially that we now live together in London. But guess what if he's a pussy that cheats on his girlfriend and is a manwhore and always has been one WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE LIKE THAT? He lied to me about the girlfriend, I confronted him today and he hasn't even had the decency to reply. Honestly why do I need him? НЕ ПЕРВИЙ НЕ ПОСЛЕДНИЙ.

The most fucked up thing is that this is what gets in the way of me starting my career. I don't prioritize in my university career. Im doing an extremely interesting and important course that will help me on that road to the goal that I know I have. I know it.

You know I know what I need right now. I need to be alone and learn to love myself and have self respect and learn how to not blame myself for everything. Because in neither of these situations am I in the wrong. I will achieve everything that I want in life and if any man happens to come along the way and add something to my already self sufficient life he can go ahead and do that. Until I know how to respect myself and make people work for my attention I am not ready to commit to anything. And that is what I need to understand first and foremost.