Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you realize that you can stand up straight again and move on.

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   For a very long time I had this mountain on my shoulders that I have been carrying around with me everywhere i go. I've been piling up all my negative thoughts, doubts and emotions into one tight ball of darkness that just wedget it's way deep inside me. I've been trying to deal with it, but my problem was that I was not looking for a solution, I was looking for a better way of tolerating this pain inside me.

   My fears that were a part of this blackness inside me were the reason why I refused to face the problem to begin with. For a couple of times I thought that i finally rid myself of it, and for a short time I was able to enjoy my life and look around, but it came back to me, sooner or later it always does. As one of my friends told me, " As long as you have at least the tiniest piece of it inside you, it will always stay with you and the bigger '”IT" will come back". And that was true, as long as I keep remnants of “IT”, even when i hide it deep inside me, it does not change the fact that it is still there. So in my opinion, the only way to deal with it is to confront the problem and deal with the consequences, regardless of what those might be.

   The problem that has been eating me alive for the longest time was my lost friendship. I was not able to let go and just live with the thought that it was over, or at least will never be the same again. And honestly, i don't really know why I was not able to just accept it. Instead I just trapped myself inside this ball of doubt, fear, confusion, guilt and constant pain of a loss. When the problem first occurred, I refused to confront it and just go talk to my friend and set things straight between us. Instead I just ran away. I "deleted" him from my life. But the thing is, I did not mean to end our friendship, the idea was to make him come to me. I thought that if he really cared he would approach me and at least ask, "What's wrong?!" But it never happened, so instead of maintaining at least some contact with that person, I cut myself off from him completely. I was not ready for that kind of turn of events. As a result, i was devastated, and had no one to blame for it but myself. And that was exactly what i did. So now, I was not only just stuck with the question of what I did wrong to begin with, but I had no one to turn to to talk about it, since for the longest time he was my "go to" person every time i had a problem to deal with. But, I cut myself off from him, so now what? The feeling of guilt was added to the problem, I was confused and I was too scared to confront it. So I was just left with all that, and with time, it just kept building up. I snapped a couple of times, when I thought that it was over, it hurt so much that i thought it could not get any worse... and I did not want to be in that state!! And that would be when I would shroud myself in this bubble of delusion, convince myself that it is over, and I'm ready to move on.

   But that was a lie, and I knew that; but every time I get to this low point in my life, i don't care. I just held on to the thought that "everything is OK!", just to get rid of the pain. And it works for a while, it helps me get by, and that's all that matters. So I just live my life as I always do, until I snap again.
It took me a couple of month to find the courage inside me to apologize to my friend for "deleting" him from my life, and probably another month or so to talk to him about everything that was bothering me all that time, and try to explain it to him the state I was in.

I would not say that the outcome of that conversation pleased me. As a matter of fact, I was so devastated in the end that I literary got sick (could not not get out of bed, extreme nausea, fever and more). I had to call off work, and just blamed it all on some stomach flu. But I've been in that state before a couple of times in my life, and I know the symptoms and cause really well. Some people may not even take seriously, and accept the thought that stress can lead to that kind of state and actually make you physically sick.

   Right now, honestly, i don't know if I'm actually at the point when I'm ready to accept the thought that I am ready to move one, or it's just another case of me just lying to myself. But I think I finally hit my "rock bottom". I got a big portion of that darkness out of me and the rest is just a matter of time.