А в сущности, о чем я так страдала все эти годы?..

Looking back I see that almost everything in my past wasn't that bad as I treated it at that time. I was alright. Physically I almost had no problems. Just a few, but they didn't make me unhappy at all. I lived my life like I should have done it. Just a girl, with her drawbacks and virtues. Now I know. Everything was OK.

And what do I have now?.. I'm going through awful diseases, different medical men say things which contradict one another. There's no particular diagnosis. I have problems with abdominal cavity organs. I have problems in gynaecology. And no one knows what it is. Seems like it's a curse. No treatment - no cure. Desperation. I don't know what happens next. I am very much afraid.

I have Him. But since we've been together I've had a lot of problems with my health. And I am afraid that my unhealthy state and his presence in my life are somehow connected. HOW COULD IT BE????? The only man I love, the only person whom I believe. Is it that God doesn't want me to be together with that man? But, Father... With him I became a woman... And I thought it was forever... Our love. And now? Is it that I should be left alone forever? Is it that I have no right to happiness?

Oh God... I've wanted to have children. I've wanted Him to be the father of my children. Do you mean that I should give up thinking this way?..

I feel futility. Emptiness.

I suffer. Physically.

I feel pain and loneliness. Mentally.

Is it what I deserve?..

Help me, God. Please...