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POLITICALLY CORRECT BEDTIME STORIES by James Finn Garner

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a
basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house - not
because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and
helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not
sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable
of taking care of herself as a mature adult. So Red Riding Hood set off with her
basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding
and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was
confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian
imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma's house. Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who
asked her what was in her basket. She replied, 'Some healthful snacks for my
grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature
adult.'

The wolf said, 'You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone.'

Red Riding Hood said, 'I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely
valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.'

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status
outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style
thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the
house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such
as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was
masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, 'Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch.'

From the bed, the wolf said softly, 'Come closer, child, so that I might see
you.'

Red Riding Hood said, 'Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a
bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!'

'They have Seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.'

'Grandma, what a big nose you have - only relatively, of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way.'

'It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.'

'Grandma, what big teeth you have!'

The wolf said, 'I am happy with who I am and what I am,' and leaped out of
bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red
Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency towards
cross-dressing, but because of his wilful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodcutter-person (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he
saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood
and the wolf both stopped.

'And just what to you think you're doing?' asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodcutter-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

'Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your
thinking for you!' she exclaimed. 'Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that
womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!'

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of
the wolf's mouth, seized the woodcutter-person's axe, and cut his head off.
After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma and the wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based
on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily
ever after.

The End