If it's just MY life gets thrown away, so be it. It's not like I was forced to do any of it. Everything could turn out fine, still. Before the time runs out. And in the very end - I plan to win. Then it all will be justified.
"But it makes us all feel better, and it makes us all look better. And it makes me taste so good."
The real problem is - what if I'd lose? And I don't mean simple cry out 'bout how "it was all for nothing". I mean real buisness with "how the fuck I became so screwed up" and "who are you to be even more screwed up than I am"?! And then I'd throw it all away, shut myself up, as I always do. Except this time it could be permanent. I'll just cut it all off and may be that'd be the most significant turn of my existence - nothing standing between me and my mission. Nothing else except that. Sounds sad even to me, but fair and beneficial. Although, that is not what I'm worried about the most.
I don't know how to stop myself from gettin' a revenge on someone who doesn't deserve it, not one bit. I really can't stand the thought of crossing that line from my 'right' to everything which is 'wrong'. And sure as hell I don't think I could possibly come back from that. The point is that I won't go and do something crazy out of an emotional breakdown, like most people would. I'd do it out of cold rational decision, which IS NOT rational at all! A dissonance like that... for someone like me... That is truly a step into the oblivion. With no coming-back-ticket. If that is not the end of me, then I don't know what is.
Well, I truly believe, that I'm incapable of doing such stupid and irrational thing under ANY circumstances, but the idea has already crossed my mind. So I wonder, why I even think that?... Is it only because I think too much, or because subconsciencely I feel something that could make me slip? I can't know which one, so one day I'm just going to find out. Like a threat of a terrorist act - until a certain point we don't even know if it's a real threat or a prank. Then we start to think about a bomb that's going to explode. Well, in Hollywood movies they defuse them all the time - may be this one will be defused too.
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
